Something different

There's something different about you. I know I've said it before about different people and the truth is that everyone is different from the everyone else but... truly. There is so much mystery about you that I get to peek into every time we spend time together and it never ceases to amaze me the beautiful soul you are. You sense my hesitation and are bothered by it. But you see, if you only knew my past and where I've come from. The boys I've dealt with. The struggle of being fine with just being me. I know it sounds cliche but I am an adapter. I would never think to admit it in the past but I can now and it has freed me. God is using you to free me. Your existence in my life is freeing me to slowly understand that there is someone who will genuinely, authentically care for me as I am and love in despite of and in spite of my baggage. Being with you has made me want to be the best version of me. Not because I feel like I need to change but because with you I feel like I can be the greatest version of myself and you would never flinch your devotion. My worries have never truly been that I wouldn't be good enough, it was always that if I wholly devoted myself to the things I love most, that everyone would think that I am too much. (As if they didn't already) That my successes and promotions from God in this life would be emasculating to whoever I was with. This was my history. And I had resigned myself to the fact that in order to be with someone, I would never reach my full potential, and you've proved me wrong. Thank you.

Create

Creation
Isn't it something strange that we are created things that have the ability to create something out of nothing except a picture, or idea in our brain? Creating. I want to create beautlifully raw, authentic, thought-provoking, brain stretching things. I don't know if that will be through music, poems, art, writing or any of the other countless things people choose to express themselves through and with. This election has united a new violent front of people who will now go and even be more in force than they were before. That's what adversity usually does. If something doesn't work out, especially somethin ghuge like this, it will either cause people to give up, become violent or be more passionate about their causes. That is something I want the church to find again. Before the presidency I hadn't seen so many people fasting and praying for the future of this nation and now that we got the desired result, I fear that the apathy may come back and now is just the beginning. We can't stoppursuing and being active in prayer and community and in spenind time with the Lord.

I want to create something or a series of somethings that people who don't know Christ can look at or listen to and respect it. Ask me questions and open doors for me to show them the truth and love of Jesus Christ. Because the world has no fear or inhibitions in what they do and are praised for it. I want praise only from my heavenly Father fand through that the people will be ministered to.

Ok, late night/early morning thoughts on 11/13/16 complete

Phew

There's something about the way you look at me. I don't know if I've seen that look before. Never has there been someone with no physical motive to care about me and be attracted to all the facets of my personality at one time. Is that what that look looks like? It's beautiful! I kinda sly away from it because it's so foreign and I'm afraid that if I look too long that it will disappear just like all of my favorite specialty drinks or foods at my favorite restaurant. I push you away. I think I hear one thing and I'm so confused sometimes and you just take it all in stride and never get angry, raise your voice or even make me feel like I'm being too emotional. You accept it, take it all in and even say that it's ok! What? It's ok for me to come into my fullness as a woman and feel things? Wait, not just feel them but express them in ways I don't even understand? There's got to be a shoe dropping around here somewhere. Well, I wouldn't call it a shoe dropping but I will say that with all your beauty, empathy, and compassion comes your humanity as well. This obsession I'm having over your humanity and whether or not it's something I can or want to deal with is something I can only describe as, "A sad bi-product of seeing the best in too many people only to find out they had no intention of seeing it themselves." The pressure and secret whispers I imagine from my family, friends and others are always there to taunt me and make me feel like I'm doing something wrong. Seeing the wrong person. And I guess after all these years I kind of did start to believe that what I wanted looked a certain kind of way but when I get a glimpse into what that looks like, I can't stand it. It's a beautiful thing and there are relationships that are made for the loud public arena with his face being seen by many but is that what I want? I've lived that life. The life under the microscope. The granddaughter of so and so and the daughter of the music minister. I just want to be the wife to the man God has made me the perfect help mate for. The man who will make me more like Christ in all the easy lovin' and tough lovin' type of ways. A man who feels like home when I'm overwhelmed and want to hide in the corner and cry. A man who loves God so much that He fears Him and cherishes me because I am a daughter of the King. A compassionate man. A soulful man. An artist. A man of God.

Charm Man

I wore you around my neck today. This little charm that only charms me because it reminds me of the innocence of our time. Of living life outside of mine. You have one just the same and it's so strange that we are this close but so far. How cliche. The short amount of time I've known you I have yet to see you be anything or anyone other than who you are and the fact that you know yourself well enough to keep a distance to protect me is something I could never forget no matter what happens. THAT is love. Forsaking your fleshly desires and even ones that aren't fleshly and looking out for what's best for the other person. That's a new feeling to conceive. I'm always the one giving something up for what I think is the betterment of that person or changing myself to make someone "happy". You don't put that on me. You've never put that on me. I keep wanting to push you and your charm away because of imaginary reasons I create and blow up in my head but when I look at the facts, there isn't anything that has made me want to change for the worse, pull me away from God, or compromise my integrity. And THOSE three things have always been my downfall. I care too much. You see it. You may see it more clearly than anyone else ever has or ever will, beside my Maker of course. And you never take my kindness for granted. Thank you, charm man. Even though where we lie is in the in-between, it's peaceful there because God is in control.

-A.E.Torres

Hmmm...

Tears, dust, rust I wish there were more people I could trust. Crust, musk, dusk, the way I feel about humanity has shifted in the night and there is nothing i could have done to change that. I was set in my ways. jaded, unpersuaded. laughable, totally and utterly fallible. I was who I was and no one had the right to know what I thought nor did I find it necessary to explain myself because no one cared to ask. Keep your thoughts to yourself i thought. Maybe one day you'll meet someone who is willing to let go of the shores of shallow pools and dive into the depths where the stars and skies lie.

The stars and skies. a great pool of matter that floats, being conducted by an unseen force telling it where to go, how long to stay, and when to re shape itself. Stars, giant balls of concentrated gas that have a specific lifespan that we will never get to fully see because we are so finite. Maybe in heaven we'll get the chance to see a star from it's beginning to the end in real time because time won't exist right?

-Amber Torres

My thoughts on mainstream music...

I always thought because I am an avid lover of the noun: music, that I would always keep up with what is popular no matter if it was during my youth or not. Well, that isn't the case. I have found that the older I get, the less I listen to the radio unless it's NPR or some other indie type program because I really can't grasp the idea of the lyrics in today's mainstream music. Let me preface that by saying how when I listen to music that was really popular when I was a kid, I think, "Wow, that is NOT a good song and I can't believe I listened to it." I enjoy the meanings of songs now. Sure I am a sucker for the occasional catchy tune that is about a break up or something of the like but in my core, I like words.

There is a lot of great music that is still coming out right now but since the question referred to "mainstream" that is what I will address. The musicality of some of it is interesting but as a whole it is all starting to sound the same and relay the same message. NO MESSAGE.

I love the sound of...

Children laughing. There's nothing sweeter to me than a joyful child. A child who is still in the innocence of life and is oblivious to the hell they will face the longer they exist. Isn't that sad? Isn't it sad to think that the less time in which we exist is almost equivalent to the innocence we keep and the longer we're alive, the more jaded we become? Why is that. Why does that have to be the broad stroke picture of our lives? Maybe there are some of you out there who kept your innocent thoughts and childlike laughter far longer than I and I am envious of it. It is only God who has redeemed that innocence of my mind and given me back my childlike spirit. When I laugh, I laugh full-heartily. I refuse to hold back on account of someone else being uncomfortable with it. It's laughing, people; get over it. So yes, the sound of children laughing is one of my favorite sounds.