Dance Therapist...

So, I've been wondering what my purpose is supposed to be pretty much all my life. I love the arts but I also love helping people and have a gift of people feeling like they can open up to me. I didn't even know this job existed but it does. I'm still praying about it but a dance therapist. You need a Masters Degree for it but I know I can do it. IF this is what God has planned for me. It would be a perfect combo of creative and practical. Yeah...I'll keep praying and I know God will show me a sign or something :)

Having friends but losing my soul's desires isn't worth it.

Be careful

Be careful what you say
Be careful what you pray
Because one day someone may come back and say...

Isn't this what you said?
Why do your actions contradict you?
And why don't I see any proof?

Why is it that you can give so much "advice"
But never take any for yourself?

I say a lot of things
And I have a lot of good "advice"
But I have to ask the Lord above
To help me in this life

I pray for things that are big
But can I handle them yet?
Or am I wearing just a wig?

Be careful what you say
Be careful what you pray
Because someone
Someday
Is gonna hold you accountable to that

It may not be now
It may not be this minute
But be certain
It will come

Be careful what you pray
Be careful what you say

Christmas Day 2009

There are pieces no one will know
There are pieces I... sad to say, will never show

I try and push you out of my mind.
Find other things
And other people
To take the place you once shared with me

But it isn't happening.

I know what is here and it is right
I have so many questions
And I have so many things I wish I could tell you...
But I can't
And I don't know when or if I ever will

The Lord above hears my cries
He sees the tears welling up in my eyes
Why couldn't we just BE
Why did this have to get so complicated
It couldn't have been simple could it?
The people closest to me don't understand

They find the things I love irrelevent
They look at me like I'm crazy

And you never did
You opened up a part of me that can never be shut again

Even if I have to write all of my thoughts and observations down on paper that is what I'm going to do.

This thing in me can't die
I won't let it die

As easy as it would be
To just forget what I know
How easy it would be to just live in this river of the lack of knowledge so many have become comfortable with....
I can't.

Every time I pray
Everytime I look into someones eyes
I see them

I see them

And it isn't always pretty
To be honest, most times it isn't

Most times I want to cry with that person.
Tell them it's going to be alright
When the Lord leads me, I do.

I am being used as a beacon of hope
A light where there isn't any

There is something welling up inside of me that I don't want to control anymore
Something that has been being slowly birthed for so long that I'm about to burst.

You know what people teach?
To be cold-hearted
To let things go.
To forfeit

I have had to let go of a lot of things and a lot of people
And God himself has done some of this for my own good
He knows me better then I know myself.

I guess all that to say
I can't forget.
He won't let me

I may have a lapse here and there
But when I go to sleep at night
You are there.

As I've said
I've tried to push you out
For sake of what I thought was my sanity
But come to find out
It's you existing somewhere in the sphere of this world that keeps me sane
That gives me hope

That I'm not the only one of my kind.

It is a hard road
And most times you are alone

To be surrounded by people all around
People who know only what they have experienced and chalking everything else to that...
Never looking beyond
Never looking with their spiritual eyes

If I don't put my nose to the grind
It will fade...
I've felt it before
But as soon as I go back to the source...
How quickly it comes back and with so much greater force

For that I thank you

I once used an analogy of soldiers in battle...
how just a picture of their loved one would get them through the pain
the suffering
the torture

Because of a hope

Because they knew what was on the other side

Never is that more true then now

I can't fight this battle based on what I see now
How depressing that would be
I have to fight for the right reasons
The right cause
The hope in the one who created me and the one who created you

It's Christmas Day...2009

Christmas Eve 2009

So...here it is, Christmas Eve 2009. Wow. And today I'm finishing up Christmas shopping. Really for the most important people in my life and by far, the hardest to shop for. So...I'm gonna shop, then watch a movie, then shop some more. It's days like these when I wish I had a boyfriend, or even just a good guy friend to accompany me on my excursions. Sometimes too much estrogen isn't a good thing and well, I haven't had a good guy friend in awhile and I miss it. What happened to the simplicity of high school when you actually could just have a best guy friend and that was it? Those days seem to be over...sadly enough. Well, such is life. Wanting to see Ninja Assasin and having no one to see it with but yourself is a bit sad. Most girls don't care for that sort of thing but I am fascinated by it. I may just see it anyway. For my own enrichment and my own enjoyment. I love friends and family. Yet, I find myself still lonely. Like I'm living and while breathing and speaking and laughing...it isn't complete. Well, the Lord knows.

Go through it.

Do you ever want to cry for no reason?
I'm pretty sure I've talked about this before with someone...
That was me yesterday.
Or maybe its that I forget to cry about something that really is cry worthy and then at a later date, my brain decides to take care of it.

That would make more sense to me.

How many times do we think ourselves too sensitive and force ourselves not to cry.
Or think something too insignificant to cry about?
We have to go through the motions.
Whatever that looks like
Anger, sadness...acceptance

Because the longer you wait to go through those things
The longer it actually takes to get through them
Take it from someone who has been through it.

Piano in my heart

piano in my heart
playing in the background of life
Forte
Retardando
always there
There are themes
like waves
of sound
rhythm
measures
playing in the background
doesn't always fit nice and neat
onto a sheet of staff
But I like it that way
Improv
Soul
the unkempt
piano in my heart
always to thwart

Piano Play

Piano play me a song
A pretty melody
I try to sing the harmony
what is there that is so wrong?
I can't sing this song
as pretty as it is
my harmony doesn't match
I don't understand
Piano play it again
was there something I missed?
melody is to the 4 winds
a new song is brewing
The melody from your heart
I will sing
I may be flat or I may be sharp
But with such a pretty melody
Piano play on

Wow

I've been really antsy the past couple of days.
Just not knowing exactly what I'm supposed to be doing or where I'm supposed to be.
I know I'll be moving in the near future. Not too near but hey, the way I see it, if God opens doors for me in a different place that will help me grow as an adult and in Him then amen.
I just know there is so much and I can do anything.
Really.
Anything.
Don't get me wrong, I can and am growing where I am
But there's something about being young and single and having nothing stopping me that is so invigorating.
I want to live.
Do new things
Meet new people
Experience God's movement in the Earth.
A season of big change is coming.
And I am very much looking forward to it.

December 15th 2009

Sometimes we really think we know someone…
And then come to find out, we ended up just knowing a character.
Like in our favorite movie, we look up to some people because of who they played in the movie and then when we met them in real life, we find out they’re nothing like we thought.

There are people I have known for years and still things about them shock me, and I’m sure there are people who have known me for a long time and the feeling is mutual. But I think what I am more talking isn’t so much little things about our close friends and whatnot, but big things.

I have people I know personally who have been in relationships with people who they would have never thought had the problems and issues they did. And as I was talking to a friend of mine last night, suddenly the truth came to me.

It isn’t that these people changed, it’s that we chose not to see the truth.

Think about it. Anyone out there who has been in a relationship and was “suddenly” blown away by that person's news
or action or reaction, be honest with yourself for a second. I mean really honest. No one is looking at you or judging you or even watching your reaction as you read this. Be honest. Were there things at the beginning of your relationshihp with this person that didn’t add up? Were there things that really bothered you or you had questions about but ignored or forgot about? Things that if you were on the outside looking in, you would never allow? The answer is yes.

And believe me, I have done this very well myself. And as bad as I wanted to blame the other person for doing me wrong,Years later, I had to come to the fact that all the red signs were there from the beginning. If I would have just trusted my gut and not let my feelings get in the way, I could have prevented a lot of heartache. Years of heartache.

But I take it as a lesson learned. Lots of lessons learned. The best advice he ever gave me was, “Before you get into any relationship, be yourself first.” And oddly enough. It really struck me. And as you can see, it still does to this day. Because it’s the truth.

I say all of that to say this. I’m not anti-relationship, and I’m not a pessimist. I’m just a person that believes with all her heart that everyone, man and woman deserve not just mr. or mrs. Right but mr. or mrs. Phenomenal. Not perfect. No one is. It’s about the journey God puts us on. How we handle life. What we do with the things we have put ourselves in. Paying the consequences for our past mistakes and making the best out of them. THAT is what phenomenal is. Finding someone in this life who is passionate, loving, responsible, selfless and above all, loves God above everything and everyone else. And in turn, those of us who want that in someone have to be pursuing that same thing.

Find the balance between grace, mercy, love, and truth. Yes all of those should go hand in hand but sometimes, especially as a woman, we tend to give a little more here and there but remember what love truly is. What grace really means. And that God is the only one who can give the abundance of mercy and gracewe truly need. Love doesn’t spare the rod. Remember that ignoring a problem doesn’t mean it isn’t there, it just means you aren’t willing to admit there is one. And the longer that goes on, the harder it is in the end. Take it from a young woman who learned her lesson…

Peace Love and the Caramel Brulee

The first real rain

Ahhh...
how i love the rain.

Where I live it's something you smile at.
This is the first day that is has officially felt like winter.
It's cold, blistery, and raining.
In short. Beautiful

I think I love it so much because it only happens maybe a handful of times a year.
In other places, they hate it because they have a handful of sunshiny days.

And today is the start of something new.
I'm embarking on something that I have been trying to avoid but can avoid no longer.
Stepping up to the plate.
Taking responsibility.
Taking all those things I know inside my head and transporting them to the rough parts of my heart.

It's going to be difficult. But it's going to be beautiful.
I've realized that living a life with no problems well...is a huge problem.
God wouldn't have me do things I thought I could handle in and of myself.
Then what would be the point of faith?
What would be the point of putting trust in our creator?
There wouldn't be.

I have always had extremes in my life.
I'm now asking God to give me balance.
A little of this and a little of that.
And He will.
Cuz He know what I'm asking and why I'm asking for it.

Ah...the first real rain.