Phew

There's something about the way you look at me. I don't know if I've seen that look before. Never has there been someone with no physical motive to care about me and be attracted to all the facets of my personality at one time. Is that what that look looks like? It's beautiful! I kinda sly away from it because it's so foreign and I'm afraid that if I look too long that it will disappear just like all of my favorite specialty drinks or foods at my favorite restaurant. I push you away. I think I hear one thing and I'm so confused sometimes and you just take it all in stride and never get angry, raise your voice or even make me feel like I'm being too emotional. You accept it, take it all in and even say that it's ok! What? It's ok for me to come into my fullness as a woman and feel things? Wait, not just feel them but express them in ways I don't even understand? There's got to be a shoe dropping around here somewhere. Well, I wouldn't call it a shoe dropping but I will say that with all your beauty, empathy, and compassion comes your humanity as well. This obsession I'm having over your humanity and whether or not it's something I can or want to deal with is something I can only describe as, "A sad bi-product of seeing the best in too many people only to find out they had no intention of seeing it themselves." The pressure and secret whispers I imagine from my family, friends and others are always there to taunt me and make me feel like I'm doing something wrong. Seeing the wrong person. And I guess after all these years I kind of did start to believe that what I wanted looked a certain kind of way but when I get a glimpse into what that looks like, I can't stand it. It's a beautiful thing and there are relationships that are made for the loud public arena with his face being seen by many but is that what I want? I've lived that life. The life under the microscope. The granddaughter of so and so and the daughter of the music minister. I just want to be the wife to the man God has made me the perfect help mate for. The man who will make me more like Christ in all the easy lovin' and tough lovin' type of ways. A man who feels like home when I'm overwhelmed and want to hide in the corner and cry. A man who loves God so much that He fears Him and cherishes me because I am a daughter of the King. A compassionate man. A soulful man. An artist. A man of God.

Charm Man

I wore you around my neck today. This little charm that only charms me because it reminds me of the innocence of our time. Of living life outside of mine. You have one just the same and it's so strange that we are this close but so far. How cliche. The short amount of time I've known you I have yet to see you be anything or anyone other than who you are and the fact that you know yourself well enough to keep a distance to protect me is something I could never forget no matter what happens. THAT is love. Forsaking your fleshly desires and even ones that aren't fleshly and looking out for what's best for the other person. That's a new feeling to conceive. I'm always the one giving something up for what I think is the betterment of that person or changing myself to make someone "happy". You don't put that on me. You've never put that on me. I keep wanting to push you and your charm away because of imaginary reasons I create and blow up in my head but when I look at the facts, there isn't anything that has made me want to change for the worse, pull me away from God, or compromise my integrity. And THOSE three things have always been my downfall. I care too much. You see it. You may see it more clearly than anyone else ever has or ever will, beside my Maker of course. And you never take my kindness for granted. Thank you, charm man. Even though where we lie is in the in-between, it's peaceful there because God is in control.

-A.E.Torres

Hmmm...

Tears, dust, rust I wish there were more people I could trust. Crust, musk, dusk, the way I feel about humanity has shifted in the night and there is nothing i could have done to change that. I was set in my ways. jaded, unpersuaded. laughable, totally and utterly fallible. I was who I was and no one had the right to know what I thought nor did I find it necessary to explain myself because no one cared to ask. Keep your thoughts to yourself i thought. Maybe one day you'll meet someone who is willing to let go of the shores of shallow pools and dive into the depths where the stars and skies lie.

The stars and skies. a great pool of matter that floats, being conducted by an unseen force telling it where to go, how long to stay, and when to re shape itself. Stars, giant balls of concentrated gas that have a specific lifespan that we will never get to fully see because we are so finite. Maybe in heaven we'll get the chance to see a star from it's beginning to the end in real time because time won't exist right?

-Amber Torres

My thoughts on mainstream music...

I always thought because I am an avid lover of the noun: music, that I would always keep up with what is popular no matter if it was during my youth or not. Well, that isn't the case. I have found that the older I get, the less I listen to the radio unless it's NPR or some other indie type program because I really can't grasp the idea of the lyrics in today's mainstream music. Let me preface that by saying how when I listen to music that was really popular when I was a kid, I think, "Wow, that is NOT a good song and I can't believe I listened to it." I enjoy the meanings of songs now. Sure I am a sucker for the occasional catchy tune that is about a break up or something of the like but in my core, I like words.

There is a lot of great music that is still coming out right now but since the question referred to "mainstream" that is what I will address. The musicality of some of it is interesting but as a whole it is all starting to sound the same and relay the same message. NO MESSAGE.

I love the sound of...

Children laughing. There's nothing sweeter to me than a joyful child. A child who is still in the innocence of life and is oblivious to the hell they will face the longer they exist. Isn't that sad? Isn't it sad to think that the less time in which we exist is almost equivalent to the innocence we keep and the longer we're alive, the more jaded we become? Why is that. Why does that have to be the broad stroke picture of our lives? Maybe there are some of you out there who kept your innocent thoughts and childlike laughter far longer than I and I am envious of it. It is only God who has redeemed that innocence of my mind and given me back my childlike spirit. When I laugh, I laugh full-heartily. I refuse to hold back on account of someone else being uncomfortable with it. It's laughing, people; get over it. So yes, the sound of children laughing is one of my favorite sounds.

Babes and Lilies

The actual reality of our smallness is so much more exciting than the idea of us being the center of our own worlds. Having the constant reminder that we are merely a lily in the field, once here only to be gone again should keep us grounded. A lily is no small thing. I stars from a tiny seed, only to be dropped or planted in a field and has no control over how much it gets watered, how much sun it gets, where it's planted, how long it lives and what its purpose it. It just exists.

I know I know, the comparison of  a flower to how we should be living our lives seems asinine because we are thinking, feeling creations in the image of the almighty God but do you think anything was done without a reason? When we are born, we don't get to pick what kind of household we would grow up in. We don't get to decide what era, ethnicity, hair color, eye color etc. we would be given. At a young age we really don't get to decide what we eat or drink either. And you know what? We never worried about it. We weren't even aware that anything bad could happen because we had been protected and taken care of for 9 months in the womb, regardless of how well our biological mothers were great during pregnancy or not.

We weren't aware that there was any other way to live. We couldn't even think of anything other than what was right in front of us. Sure, as a baby we pick up environmental stimuli, voices, images etc. that can start shaping who we may become.

What happened? Life happened. Life happened and there was no training manual on how to get through it. Divorce, poverty, bullying, depression, anxiety, confusion... no one explains anything. They just expect you to understand and deal because that is what their parents did to them. I don't know what I would do without Jesus saving me and imparting His Holy Spirit into my soul so that there would be some sort of guide to help me and comfort me along the way of life. Otherwise, the choice would be to listen to the world and what they say and I don't know if you've noticed but that isn't going over so well for them. No answers they think they have are truly creating an impact or change that is lasting.

The lily. I want to go back to the mindset of a lily. I want to rely so heavily on God that I wouldn't know, understand or even comprehend life any other way. I know that when I ask that though that it means that I have to not only give up this carnal way of thinking but that I will have to contantly put away the sounds of doubters, naysayers, and the devil himself to keep it up. When nothing looks like it's happening in the natural but I know and can count on the character of my God, I will still praise Him and know that He is never late. I want to go back to never worrying about anything but be in prayer and supplication about everything. Why worry? Worry is a sin.

We worry because God isn't as tangible sometimes (or most times) as we would like Him to be. We know He is a Spirit being out there in the heavens but to have Him actually sitting right next to you or eating dinner with you is something completely different. I know it shouldn't be but that is the reality of our human nature. The fall. The distance sin and unrighteousness put between us and our Creator.

We can go back to the TRUE good ol' days. My only answers to get to this level with the Lord are to pray, obey, and be in His Word.

I want to be a helpless babe, a swaying lily in the field, unaware that anything but God's truth and character would be in my mind.