Phew

There's something about the way you look at me. I don't know if I've seen that look before. Never has there been someone with no physical motive to care about me and be attracted to all the facets of my personality at one time. Is that what that look looks like? It's beautiful! I kinda sly away from it because it's so foreign and I'm afraid that if I look too long that it will disappear just like all of my favorite specialty drinks or foods at my favorite restaurant. I push you away. I think I hear one thing and I'm so confused sometimes and you just take it all in stride and never get angry, raise your voice or even make me feel like I'm being too emotional. You accept it, take it all in and even say that it's ok! What? It's ok for me to come into my fullness as a woman and feel things? Wait, not just feel them but express them in ways I don't even understand? There's got to be a shoe dropping around here somewhere. Well, I wouldn't call it a shoe dropping but I will say that with all your beauty, empathy, and compassion comes your humanity as well. This obsession I'm having over your humanity and whether or not it's something I can or want to deal with is something I can only describe as, "A sad bi-product of seeing the best in too many people only to find out they had no intention of seeing it themselves." The pressure and secret whispers I imagine from my family, friends and others are always there to taunt me and make me feel like I'm doing something wrong. Seeing the wrong person. And I guess after all these years I kind of did start to believe that what I wanted looked a certain kind of way but when I get a glimpse into what that looks like, I can't stand it. It's a beautiful thing and there are relationships that are made for the loud public arena with his face being seen by many but is that what I want? I've lived that life. The life under the microscope. The granddaughter of so and so and the daughter of the music minister. I just want to be the wife to the man God has made me the perfect help mate for. The man who will make me more like Christ in all the easy lovin' and tough lovin' type of ways. A man who feels like home when I'm overwhelmed and want to hide in the corner and cry. A man who loves God so much that He fears Him and cherishes me because I am a daughter of the King. A compassionate man. A soulful man. An artist. A man of God.