Dishonest

I don't know how people do it. Well, maybe I do.
It's just been a long while.
To not care how someone feels...
Or as they would say,
"It isn't a big deal"
I don't remember what it's like
To be dishonest
Maybe only dishonest with myself
Now, don't get me wrong
I didn't say I didn't lie
I said "dishonest"
There's a difference
When people have a motive
When all they can see is what
THEY will get
No matter what kind of scar they leave
That's dishonest.
And yes, it includes lying.
Sometimes, well...most times
People don't think about repercussions
I can't have that sort of thing linger above my head
And my memory isn't good enough to hold all the strings
So I try and just avoid it all together
But some people...
Don't know what it's like to live an honest life
That they don't have to be someone they aren't to be accepted
It takes a lot to be honest
But not just honest. Honest in love.
All of our deepest fears come to life
Before a stranger's eyes
And being honest almost makes you
Want to die.
It's not worth it.
I'd rather spend a lifetime of people being confused
About my honesty
Than 20 minutes leading someone in a dishonest way.
I can't have that sort of thing linger above my head
The person I'm most dishonest with is myself
And even then...
It doesn't last long.
Avoiding the mirror of truth
Will only last as long as you want to stay in the same place
And THAT....
Has never been something I'm interested in.
As the famous saying goes,
"Everyone dies but not everyone lives"
Don't let fear of people, rejection, judgement
Control your life
I did
And letting go
Was the best decision I've made

Into a life worth flying

I look into the sun
Hoping to go blind
Because everywhere I look
Is depressing and unkind
The smiles I see
Are putrid and vile
Like the venom of a snake...
It's been a long while...
Since my heart was warmed
By the laughter of a child
Or a warm breeze
Made my cold heart mild
The simple pleasures of posies & tulips
Has evaded this soul
It's time for a new trip
A trip long time coming...
Time to roll...
Into a life worth flying.

Night

The day is long
But the night is longer
I lay in bed
My mind always wanders
This reel keeps playing...
Like a bad movie
It's always "showtime"!
My palms they sweat
And my teeth they grind
Every night is like someone pressed
"Rewind"
Night....you could you just give me a chance?
A chance to unwind and relax?

The Leaf Part 1

The leaf of a tree
Is the fruit of it's work
The ground toiled
The seed planted
The seed watered
The sun shining
The time flying
The limb growing
The wind blowing
Will this little beginning stand the test of time?
And so it goes
Growing and growing
When it stops
Only God knows
Then look!
What's growing now?
Another limb it would seem
But this time to the side
Instead of up & down it goes side to side
The sun still shining
The time still flying
What's that?
More limbs on the other side?
How bizarre! How alive!
This is taking a lot of water
A lot of love
A lot of life
Now there's something else happening?
What's that growing on those limbs
That are side to side
Those little nubs no one can hide!
I guess we will see with more time
And so it goes
More time and more sunshine
Til those little nubs start sprouting green!
What could they be!
This part happens quickly
Much faster than expected
These green nubs sprout!
Into these fans unrested!
Dangling down
But unlike a frown
They're the glory of the work
That started in the ground.

May self-realization

I'm always overanalyzing. Trying to predict what is going to happen before it does. Don't get me wrong, in the long run I usually am right. But it's the in between that doesn't have to be so harsh. I put so much pressure on myself to be a certain way that sometimes it's just overwhelming. I have young people looking up to me for a better way than the world. I'm not God. But I'm trying to be the best representative I can be. And this week... I'm just tired. I don't want to say I'm performing because I'm not. Everything I do really does come from the heart. I just need balance. The truth is, it's been so long since I've just gone with the flow that I don't really even remember how to. One of my biggest fears is making a bad decision that will affect me for the rest of my life. Of getting out of God's plan. And you know what He said to me last night? Amber, don't you trust me? That no matter what happens I will be right there? That you don't have to walk on eggshells and be so careful that you miss living and learn the lessons from those things?

I want to live. Of course I want to live for God.  I am so imperfect and flawed and I wish I could tell them that living this picture perfect life is what is going to make them closer to God but I can't. He has protected me from so much and I thank Him every day for that. But I am NOT religious. I don't say what everyone wants me to say the way they want me to say it and I don't do what everyone expects me to do. I'm just trying to live my life for the Lord and bring people hope. Whatever that looks like. Being religious makes you judgmental because you aren't happy with who you are and when someone else is doing something maybe not even bad but that you wouldn't do because of what it COULD be, you secretly get angry and that comes off as judgment. Where that other person is just being who they are. In reality, they are being more honest.

There's a reason why Jesus tried to make things simple. He doesn't want us to live a life out of fear or "this is what a good Christian would do." He said, Love the Lord your God with ALL your heart, soul, mind and strength. And love your neighbor as yourself.

And you know what? All of the other things we are supposed to be will happen naturally. Because we accept God's unconditional love for us and then we can't help but want to love Him back. And we love others because we know what it is like to not be loved. And we at least I, feel like I owe it to anyone I meet to give them a loving perspective of the God who's loved me through everything. That's where I come from.