My aunt said something funny...

She said to me last night, "Amber, there's someone special for you out there. Muy Especial."

I love her :)

The light at the end of the tunnel

This month has been crazy. But you know what God is showing me? When you persevere and stick things through even when you don't think you can handle anymore, there are great blessings to come. Things that I may have not seen if I hadn't stuck it out. People I may have never met. Opportunities that may have never arose. I really am in love with God. Our relationship is something that grows every day. NO matter what, He always pulls through. I love you Jesus.

Well...

Little by little I'm getting a little better at the whole social thing. Although I've met a lot of people, I'll probably do the whole sit by myself thing and not be super talkative. I guess that's not true either because the few people I have talked to have been very cool. Met some cool peeps with great humor. Maybe it's not so bad belonging to a group after all.

I have to say...

I do miss the occasional genuine smile of a man who finds me attractive. Not the creepy, perverted smile. Just the nice, "Hey, you're pretty" smile.

Random though finished.

Oh the vehicular adventures of my life...

Well, usually my only complaint would be about how I used to be able to put 10 bucks in my tank and it would last me all week and now it barely notches the little lever up on the gauge.

Yes ladies and gentlemen, my saturn has taken a crap. Well... from what the mechanic has said and from what even I've felt, it's been a long time coming. Ever since I had the car it's had an overheating issue and whatever my dad would do to fix it (God bless him) would only last a couple months until something else happened. So finally, I take my car to get an oil change and they won't change it because something is definitely wrong. So the next day I take it to the mechanic and after waiting for 2 hours (eh, I didn't mind...I took a nap on their couch) was told that it is my head gasket and that it'll cost me 1200 to fix it. I'm like ummmm...ok.

The guy couldn't start the car but thank God, it started up for me and I drove it home where it proceeded to never want to start again. I was overwhelmed. It was just another addition to this month that started out suuuuppper crappy. My dad has had his own personal stuff going on and the last thing I wanted to do is burden him with something else. But there was NOTHING I could do. So I started coming to terms with taking the bus and gettin my bike back up to snuff.

My grandpa got wind of what was going on and was totally like, "Amber needs a good car." I'm like...huh? I'm so used to getting used stuff that this unfortunately isn't new for me. (The whole car breaking down thing) I am definitely grateful for everything I have because where I live, public transportation is pretty much null and void. So next thing I know, my grandpa is talking about getting me a new car and even gets one of the pastors from church to look for a car for me. And this is all pretty much without my knowledge (my aunt tells me stuff). I just cried because cars are just something I've never been good at and I'm so used to taking care of stuff that the idea that multiple men who cared about me would come to my aid and be my car heroes is so warming to my heart. And they don't ask anything. All they say is, "God is going to bless you."

And then on top of it. My grandpa is letting me use his jeep cherokee (my car is still outta commision). And if you know ANYTHING about me. My dream car was always a jeep wrangler. So not only do I not have to ask for rides all the time, I get to use a car that I really love. :)

So come to find out, they are replacing the entire motor!! They are also fixing some wheel stuff because the car was super shaky there too. I was like wow! Because the truth is, I like my car. I always had plans to get the sun roof fixed and a new hood and get it repainted etc. etc.

God ALWAYS takes care of His kids. And usually in a way you don't expect because well... He is God and do things differently 1000 different ways.

I'm writing this to encourage anyone out there who feels like God won't pull through. He will. It may not be what you expect but He will. And also for me because there will be another time that I feel hopeless and I can come back and read this to remind myself of God's goodness. :)

Nighty Night Bloggers

Inspiration

Ever since I can remember my favorite songs were always melancholy. My favorite chord was A minor.  I knew emotion when I could hear the strain in someone's voice as they reached deep inside their heart to relive a painful moment. As a Christian I always found this odd because I am in love with God. The joy, the peace, the love. And then I read books and stories like Job, David, Ruth, Moses, Esther, Sampson... and in every single story there is a battle. A feud between flesh and spirit. Spirit and spirit.

My deepest heart is expressed in pain. In those times when all I can do is cry out. When it is utterly apparent to me that I am not smart enough, talented enough, anything enough to fix or change something. When I think I've done everything right and yet...the floor is falling right from underneath me.

That is why I have so much joy. It isn't because my life has been painless. It isn't because my heart has never been broken. It isn't because everything got handed to me on a silver platter. Or because everyone likes me. It isn't because I was just born joyful. I have joy because the Lord gave it to me in my darkest times. He gave it to me because I'm not strong enough by myself. His joy is my strength. His joy reminds me that no matter how dark things look, that He supersedes all of it. I look up into the dark night sky and see the trillions of brilliant bulbs flashing. The fish He made for no "good" reason other than He likes and enjoys pretty things and being creative.

 The balance of opening up that deep wound, and letting the light of love flood it and heal it. That is what I want my art to be. I don't want to be afraid of the boogie man. I don't want people to afraid of the skeletons in the closet. Because God isn't. I want to open that closet. Pain and all. Then bring living water. Breathe. Life. Whether it's dancing or singing. The vulnerability is what has been lacking for so long. It's something I've dealt with since I can remember. God has changed me and is always changing me. But I know I'm not who I was.

Inspiration. Pain. Healing. Joy.

There's definitely something new brewing.

This has been a really tough week. Usually it's just me making something out of nothing because well, unfortunately that's something I've done a lot of. But really, when it rains it pours. I'm just looking at it this way. The only way to keep my peace is to worship and pray. I've had some amazing epiphanies and revelation these past couple of months and just as I'm moving forward, anything that seemed to be able to go wrong did. Car, house, money...

But when I sit back, I realize that all these things will pass. Circumstances don't stay the same forever. And in the spirit, I'm growing. Yeah it's a painful growing but growing nonetheless. And really, at the end of the day...isn't that what counts? Learning more about God's love for me and in turn giving that love freely away knowing that it will cost me.

Love costs. It isn't free. Even God's love for us will cost us our fleshly desires and whatever plans we THOUGHT we had. It will cost us relationships we thought we were fine and the pain of realizing how few people actually answer the "call". Yet, not judging because we were all there. We are really all the same. Broken people who need love. God's love. The ONLY love that never fails.

Well...

When you do the same thing over and over again and expect different results.

What is that the definition of ladies and gentlemen?

Insanity.

From God to Woman

A really sweet article the Lord showed me.

From God

When I created the heavens and the earth, I spoke them into being. When I created man, I formed him and breathed life into his nostrils. But you woman, I fashioned after I breathed the life into man because your nostrils were too delicate. I allowed a deep sleep tome over him so I could patiently and perfectly fashion you.

Man was put to sleep so that he could not interfere with the creativity. From one bone I fashioned you. I chose the bone that protects man's life. I chose the rib, which protects his heart and lungs and supports him, as you are meant to do.

Around this one bone I shaped you. I modeled you. I created you perfectly and beautifully. Your characteristics are as the rib- strong yet delicate and fragile. You provide protection for the most delicate organ in man. His heart. His heart is the center of his being; his lungs hold the breath of life. The rib cage will allow itself to be broken before it will allow damage to the heart. Support man as the rib cage supports the body. You were not taken from his feet to be under him, nor were you taken from his head to be above him. You were taken from his side, to stand beside him and be held close. 

You are My perfect angel. You are my beautiful little girl. You have grown to be a splendid woman of excellence, and my eyes fill when I see the virtue in your heart. Your eyes-don't change them. Your lips- how lovely when they part in prayer. Your nose, so perfect in form. Your hands, so gentle to touch. I've caressed your face in your deepest sleep; I've held your heart close to mine.

Of all that lives and breathes, you are the most like Me. Adam walked with Me in the cool of the day, and yet he was lonely. He could not see Me or touch Me. He could only feel me. So everything I wanted Adam to share and experience with me, I fashioned in you. My holiness, My strength, My purity, My love, My protection and support. You are special because you are an extension of Me. Man represents My image. Woman, My emotions. Together you represent the totality of God.

So man, treat woman well. Love her, respect her, for she is fragile. In hurting her, you hurt Me. What you do  to her, you do to Me. In crushing her, you damage your own heart, the heart of your Father and the heart of her Father.

Woman, support Man. In humility, show him the power of emotion I have given you. In gentle quietness, show your strength. In love, who him that you are the rib that protects his inner self.

-Anonymous

Looking into the Sun

I look into the sun
Hoping to go blind
Because everywhere I look
Is depressing and unkind
The smiles I see
Are putrid and vile
Like the venom of a snake...
It's been a long while...
Since my heart was warmed
By the laughter of a child
Or since a warm breeze
Made my cold heart mild
The simple pleasures of posies & tulips
Has evaded this soul
It's time for a new trip
Time to flip the script
Time to roll...
Into a life worth diving


-Amber

Timing...

If there's one singular thing I've learned in my life it's about timing.
I have horrible timing.
And no, I don't mean musically because well...I'm pretty awesome at that, haha.
I mean life timing.
God timing.
I always seem to be a few steps ahead of where I should be and although it wouldn't seem like a big deal, a lot happens in a few steps.

God has once again shown me that He knows EXACTLY what He is doing and that He doesn't need me to finagle anything. All He needs from me is faith and obedience. That there is no plan or series of events in my puny mind that could even come close to the things He has in store. It is really humbling but at the same time, burden lifting. Because in this world where we are constantly told we need to be this or do that or look like her or act like that in order to be loved or have things go "right"; it's nice to know that the one who knew me before anyone else and knows me better than I know myself has got everything under control.

I also get to see how much of a control freak I can be. (I never knew) I mean, in certain instances like music I knew it but not with life stuff. Giving God the reigns means I don't have to... like I said earlier, finagle or manipulate anything. If you would have asked me if my intentions were those things I would have said, "Of course not." I'm 25 and through a recent situation have realized and learned more about myself in a short month than with anyone else or at any other time of my life. (You know who you are :) ) And although a lot of it is a slap to the face, it's a slap I'll gladly take if it means I grow as a person. As a loving human being.

Sometimes we have to be willing to take the "slap" to the face in order to get out of ourselves and see who we really are. The raw, unadulterated, broken, insecure, controlling person we are so that we can say... "Ok God, where does all this crap come from and help me pinpoint it so I can ask you to heal me so that the enemy can't use this anymore."

And believe me, He WILL SHOW YOU haha

Not a church mouse

Look at today’s “hottest fashions”. Other than possibly Winter months, even the mention of dressing modestly conjures of a picture of a church mouse with no personality, gumption, or zeal for life! Many women complain about how men look at them “like a piece of meat” but ladies, when do we take responsibility for our own fashion choices? I have to tell you from personal experience that looking cute with different accessories and articles of clothing is much more interesting than leaving hardly anything to the imagination. My personal favorites are scarves, tights, belts, hats, and the list goes on and on. It’s much easier to stay warm than it is to cool off. So you’re saying, “Well that’s great for winter, what about summer when it’s 106 F outside!”

There are materials like cotton that help wick away moisture aka sweat better than others. Wearing cotton tanks that don’t show the whole caboodle isn’t going to kill you. I usually wear a camisole underneath if I’m having a “problem”. We’ve all been there when you have to keep tugging and pulling and it just starts to become irritating.  There are other materials like linen that are very cool in summer but take more care. I love a good linen pant in summer. It makes me feel like I’m on the beach!

Let’s talk about what everyone is already thinking. Bottoms. Ladies, I know that romper you’ve been working out to fit into is looking mighty fine but do you really want to worry about which way you bend so that things aren’t…revealed? A few extra inches on a short isn’t going to make or break the heat. I promise. I’m not saying you have to wear shorts down to your knees but really? If you have to second guess yourself it’s probably not a good idea. We are called to be women clothed with strength and dignity, “Proverbs 31:25”. We all have this idea of an amazing Godly man waltzing into our lives, taking our hand, and riding off into the great unknown but we are living our lives contrary to that! We need to become this kind of woman from the inside out. Not by reeling these men in by our physical appearance because again, in Proverbs 31:30 “Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.” If you already have your man, then do you want another woman’s husband looking at you like “that”.  I know there is no way to avoid the visual prowess of our dear male population but we can sure help them out!

This may sound really overwhelming. This mindset change more than likely will not happen over night. If it does, Amen! But it’s a process. Every day taking the creativity and individuality God gave each of us and putting it to good use. Not letting the world dictate what makes us special. Showing extra body parts and skin doesn’t make you special. Unfortunately, there are plenty of girls who do that already. What makes YOU stand out is your heart, your love for God, your love for others, your personality as quirky or not quirky as it may be. Let the real you shine through, the you God created you to be!

-Amber

Remember the love

As the world is turning, and the sunlight is burning...remember the love. Remember the love. Don't let your heart grow cold, or too wet with mold. The world is turning, the world is turning. Seasons only last for so long. Just when your thoughts are about to drown you, here it comes, the season to change you. Remember the love. Remember the love.
-Amber Torres