I don't know what happens...

Why is it that friends are so hard to find? At the age of 26 it definitely is easier to have friends as women because well...we've learned to semi stick together. But on the other hand, girls get ravenous because they are all looking for that one. That one guy they've been praying for and dreaming of since they were 7 years old. Every single, good-looking, seemingly Godly man who walks past them or raises their hand is a potential. Don't get me wrong, I've been there as well. Even now, I have to stay aware of my feelings. But every day I'm learning to trust HIM more and more. That anything Amber tries to do in her own strength is utterly going to fail. But girls, I'm just myself and I have never been someone to assume jealousy as a trait people had with me. Because to assume that people are jealous of you is arrogant. But someone admitted it to me. Confessed it to me. I was shocked. Utterly shocked. But this feeling of not being liked because I wanted to be good. To do my best. That's been there since the beginning of my memories. It started with my mom. And I'm glad that God's gone through that healing process with me. This is the first year I've been confident to pursue the dreams that have been in my heart no matter what. I just want to do what God Himself put me here to do. I'm still on a journey of discovering all that entails but I'm content in the direction of life. I don't want anyone to be jealous. Because anything good I have. Anything beautiful people see in me. It's only from ONE source. God. My Father. My creator. My first love. Nothing good comes from me. That's what I want people to see. I want people to see the beauty of God in me. The glory of God. That they would want to be closer to Him because of me. Not pay attention to me.

Anywho, let's get back to the topic of today. Friends. Guys? Forget about it. The only friends that are easy to have are ones who are in a relationships. Ok, that sounds weird. Let me explain ha. When you know a guy's girlfriend and her boyfriend, it is a clear cut line. Nothing fuzzy. Nothing grey. Black and white. Clear lines. When a guy isn't in a relationship, things can get...messy? I mean unless there isn't ANY thing there (which does happen), it's hard. I want to be friends. Genuinely get to know them. But it never quite works out that way. And well...I'm ok with that. Well, I guess I'm GETTING ok with that.

Life is short. Love the ones who are in it.

3-18-13

I don't know what it is about foreign films I love so much. Yes, it's the enchantment of another language I need written words to understand. But it's more. The lifestyle of people outside of this country, the things they deem important and not important seem real to me. I feel like living in such a prosperous country where we are worried about having the latest cell phones and being nosy with social media and taking pictures of our daily lives and putting them for the whole world to see is something....strange. I've been guilty of all of these things. But the longer I live, the less important all those things seem. Yes, take the pictures, enjoy every day of life. But there is something to be said about discovering new things. Now days you can bring up a virtual library and search out any fact, place or person you want and SOMETHING WILL COME UP. I think that takes the enjoyment out of  adventure. The joy of finding something out because you stumbled upon it. Stumbling upon people. Now there are virtual pages where you can meet your "soul mate". My father being one of those people.

I'd like to say I'm a "modern woman" but to be truthful, I am a traditionalist at heart. My heart yearns for things in order. The way they best work. I am an artist. That is where I take my liberty. I take my liberty in my singing, in my playing, in my dancing, in my writing. But even that is expected. No one wants to see or hear the same voice or dance over and over again year after year. But there are things that were meant to be in a certain way because that is how life best works. Life isn't easy. Life is difficult. God created order in the Earth for a reason.

I have found that every time I have attempted to do things the "modern" way I come up a failure. Unhappy. But when I am who God created me to be. A support, a bringer of joy, an artist, a worshipper...that is when I am most useful. Most at peace. Most like Him. My whole life everyone has told me that I need to get a career and not depend on a man for anything because you never know when they are going to leave. I should do THIS or THAT until THIS or THAT. And I have been working since the age of 14. The same kind of job. I don't regret any of it. I have learned more hard-knock lessons and how to be kind to people than I ever would have not working. I have learned how to be responsible and not make excuses. I have learned compassion and perseverance. I've learned what I'm gifted at and what I am not. And I will not apologize for things I am not. I will not apologize for who I am.

I am who I am. Whether you agree or not isn't something on my mind. I've spend too many years being a people-pleaser. Or better yet, a father pleaser to waste any more time. It's time to hone in on my gifts. Spend the countless hours I've lost doing what everyone else said I should do and spend them on what I  KNOW is mine.

My best years are ahead of me. I wouldn't want to younger for all the money in the world. You couldn't pay me to go back in time and change anything. And for that, I'm grateful. For that, I'm thankful. And I am thankful that if the best way for the good Lord to speak to me is through films in another language, then so be it. If it takes a taste of reality... REAL reality. Not this "reality tv" nonsense this culture is obsessed with but REAL reality, then so be it.

I don't know what it is about foreign films I love so much. Yes, it's the enchantment of another language I need written words to understand. But it's more. It's real.

bakala

I think I've done it again
Well here's to another lesson learned
God has given me a word that has been confirmed like...
More times that I'd care to admit and continues to be.

I'm just going to continue my journey because God knows EXACTLY where I'm at and will bring him when the time is right. I'm seriously not trippin' on it because I haven't been asking for it. I never have. I've prayed for him for a long time just to keep him safe and I write little things to him but I've never been in a rush. And I'm definitely not now.

It'll be so interesting to see who God has planned for me. He might not be anything I was expecting. I trust in my Father completely. He knows me much better then I know myself.

Well...onto life in the Jesus lane.

I don't want to be proven right

I hate when people prove me right. I hate that I wanted so badly to be terribly wrong but I wasn't. That everything everyone has been telling me for so long is true. That it had to be on what is supposed to be the most special day of the year for someone to see what I had been hoping was a fluke. And what's even crazier is that you really think everything is kosher. Well, at least you pretend you do. You don't know how to give me a hug, or talk to me or look me in the eyes. Your own daughter. I never ask for much. Honestly, I don't ask for anything. I am grateful to have a roof over my head believe me. All I ask is for something from the heart. Even a card from the heart. A single flower. A dollar movie. SOMETHING. But it was too much for you and I've seen it for myself. I was heartbroken. Now I'm angry and I'm sure in a few days I'll just be sad because the father/daughter relationship I've always wanted will probably never happen (unless God does a great work which He totally can) and that my Heavenly Father truly is the ONLY one I can put my faith and trust in. 

I don't want to be proven right. But I was. And sadly, it is what it is.

Mary Poppins

Mary Poppins

So I have a Mary Poppins umberella my aunt bought me from the Broadway show I saw a couple of years ago. It was in my car because the weather has been pretty unpredictable lately and I like to have one just in case.

I was giving a ride to a couple of the kids to church one Sunday morning and she saw the umberella and was like Oh! It's an umberella with a parrot! And then I explain the talking bird umberella in Mary Poppins and she goes, "You're like Mary Poppins". She doesn't really explain herself and it kind of took me by surprise but I smiled. Then today right before I went on to lead worship, she says, "Amber, you're Mary Poppins." I need to watch that movie again and I know there is a deeper meaning. I love kids and their honesty and fearlessness to travel to the unknown.

How do you know if a hare is a hare?

How do you know a hare is a hare
Because of his fur
Because he is rare?
Or is it his bounce
His cotton tail
His mouth

How do you know hare is a hare
Am I the only who cares?
When you look for the hare you won't find him
He comes when you least expect him

But don't scare the hare away
If it's a hare that is...I dare say
Give it time to grow
To show a hare's true colors

Whether black as night or white as snow
Even if I'm the only one who cares...
Someone has to know

No more telling from my eyes

Tonight my eyes are extra green
And a friend once told me what it means
But now I don't know
Now I don't know

I used to look into his eyes
And see the stars revolving in the sky
But now I know
And it's a no

You said you knew what you wanted
And we laughed and taunted
We thought we what it meant
We didn't know
We didn't know

And so we tried
For a little while
Then as the ones before
You changed your mind
I got too close
Too close not to pay no mind

And now you're gone
There's no more shine
No more telling from my eyes
Because you're gone
You're gone

And now the road continues on.....

March 1 2013

I'm happy. I've worked out HARD every day this week and ya know?? I'm actually remembering the joy of sweat dripping and muscles failing haha. It really is true what they say. The only one stopping you from doing great things is YOU. AKA me lol. It's a beautiful day outside and it's going to be a great Friday. Today is March 1st and I'm gonna start celebrating my bday now muahaha. God Bless you all and remember to be a blessing to others. :)