On the brain.

Beauty
The 6 letter word that haunts a girl from the time she can remember
Daddy, am I pretty? Daddy look at me twirl!
Our hair, our clothes, our weight, our teeth, our skin, our thighs, our butts, our arms, our stomachs, hair on our legs, our faces, our armits...

So many things...
No wonder I didn't want to bother with it until I was 17. It's like I knew I would spend the rest of my life no matter how confident I seemed to others, always wondering if I was pretty. Of course your mind tells you the truth. That there will always be someone prettier, skinner, with better skin, better hair, better teeth. But you want to be the best version of yourself right? That's the next best option. I mean, unless you have thousands of dollars to spend on things that God granted you with or didn't grant you with. For me, the things that I would like to be different I can work on. And for me, it's starting with health from the inside out. I'm not afraid to be pretty anymore. Yes, it takes effort and work and time but I actually like being confident with myself. And knowing that someone will always be better leaves me room to be me. Amber.

I hope whoever my husband is, he meets me with a ponytail and no makeup on. Pumping gas at the gas station or getting groceries late at night because I forgot to go after work. Out from the gym getting makeup remover and a new nail polish that strikes my fancy.

But who the heck knows right?

There are things I can't change. And I'm totally ok with that. My curly hair, the way I'm shaped, the marks on my face, the ways my knees buckle... so many things. But I love them. They make me me. If God wanted me to be a stick He would have done so, so He didn't. And I know if I appreciate my quirks, someone else will too :)

I wish I could tell girls that beauty really does genuinely start on the inside. Yes, there are those girls who are just born with freakazoid u and come out looking like a supermodel but for the rest of us. For the 98% of the female population, we need to own who we are. Being the healthiest versions of ourselves we can be. Not just physically but mentally and spiritually as well. There are girls I know with average looks but get all kinds of guys because they totally own who they are and don't try to be anyone else and that attracts men. Confidence is sexy. It's like a magnet. And most times we don't even know we're doing it. And that's when you know you're doing it right. Being you.

Ahhh....

there's that familiar feeling again. The feeling of being an outsider in your own circle. But this time it's different. I know it's my own doing. Well, at least most of the time. There's times when I'm around someone and I can't put my finger on as to why I'm feeling how I'm feeling. It really bothers me because it really happens at the most inopportune times. And I feel bad because I want to change it but I don't know how. And if anything has been a huge lesson this year, it's been to trust in God and trust that He is in me. There are so many doors that have opened not because I pushed them open but because I did what was in my heart. What the Lord put in my heart and He opened them for me. All I had to do was walk in. Anyway, back to the feeling. I don't know how to explain it. When I'm at church leading worship, it's just me and God. I look at the people but I don't base how "successful" worship is by their reaction. And when the Lord gives me a song or a prophetic word, I sing it or say it in this flow that I can't really explain. Like I'm in an ocean and when the tide starts to change i listen to make sure I change with it. Granted, I don't always listen very well. Heck, I'm glad when I DO listen well. But it doesn't shock me like it used to. It doesn't surprise me the way it used to. Now let me explain. I have been tinkering in the prophetic since I was 14. Didn't know what it was but over the years, I have been blessed to know people and listen to worship leaders and preachers who have helped shape my prophetic calling. So I am sooo blessed when the Holy Spirit moves in an extra special way. I'm just not shocked. And I feel bad because everyone else is so surprised and excited. I am excited, I guess I just don't show it like I used to. It's a part of me. It's kind of like getting a new hair color. At first you're really excited and want to tell everyone. Then after a couple of weeks, you accept your hair color for what it is and it becomes a part of you. It doesn't mean it doesn't feel nice when someone gives you a compliment, it's just different. And how can I say that to people without sounding completely uppity and better than. Because that's not what it is at all. BUT, what I can say is that it REALLY irritates me when people assume that because I don't talk about certain spiritual experiences I have that I have no idea what they are talking about or that somehow they are closer to God than I am. Superior if you will. It comes off very superior and I don't like that. That partially why I stopped telling everyone everything because people become envious. There is no need to be. Everyone has gifts from the Lord in different measures and capacities. I used to be jealous of certain people's gifts. Now, I just do what I need to do when He tells me. More times than not, it is something that just comes from inside me. And college group. I haven't got in like 2 months. I wanted to go because no one knew me. Then I got involved with people. Yes, there was a guy who ended up being a player blah blah blah. And then worst of all, people started to have expectations of me. I just wanted to go and get fed and if the Lord asked me to minister to someone I would. I'm sure I'll go back sometime. Probably in August. I don't know blog...so much good has happened this year. I have plans but the only plans that truly matter are the ones God has for me so I hope mine match up to His haha. And yes, I'm still praying for my future husband. And glad that I still have time to get even more awesome than I already am muahahaha.