Ahhh....

there's that familiar feeling again. The feeling of being an outsider in your own circle. But this time it's different. I know it's my own doing. Well, at least most of the time. There's times when I'm around someone and I can't put my finger on as to why I'm feeling how I'm feeling. It really bothers me because it really happens at the most inopportune times. And I feel bad because I want to change it but I don't know how. And if anything has been a huge lesson this year, it's been to trust in God and trust that He is in me. There are so many doors that have opened not because I pushed them open but because I did what was in my heart. What the Lord put in my heart and He opened them for me. All I had to do was walk in. Anyway, back to the feeling. I don't know how to explain it. When I'm at church leading worship, it's just me and God. I look at the people but I don't base how "successful" worship is by their reaction. And when the Lord gives me a song or a prophetic word, I sing it or say it in this flow that I can't really explain. Like I'm in an ocean and when the tide starts to change i listen to make sure I change with it. Granted, I don't always listen very well. Heck, I'm glad when I DO listen well. But it doesn't shock me like it used to. It doesn't surprise me the way it used to. Now let me explain. I have been tinkering in the prophetic since I was 14. Didn't know what it was but over the years, I have been blessed to know people and listen to worship leaders and preachers who have helped shape my prophetic calling. So I am sooo blessed when the Holy Spirit moves in an extra special way. I'm just not shocked. And I feel bad because everyone else is so surprised and excited. I am excited, I guess I just don't show it like I used to. It's a part of me. It's kind of like getting a new hair color. At first you're really excited and want to tell everyone. Then after a couple of weeks, you accept your hair color for what it is and it becomes a part of you. It doesn't mean it doesn't feel nice when someone gives you a compliment, it's just different. And how can I say that to people without sounding completely uppity and better than. Because that's not what it is at all. BUT, what I can say is that it REALLY irritates me when people assume that because I don't talk about certain spiritual experiences I have that I have no idea what they are talking about or that somehow they are closer to God than I am. Superior if you will. It comes off very superior and I don't like that. That partially why I stopped telling everyone everything because people become envious. There is no need to be. Everyone has gifts from the Lord in different measures and capacities. I used to be jealous of certain people's gifts. Now, I just do what I need to do when He tells me. More times than not, it is something that just comes from inside me. And college group. I haven't got in like 2 months. I wanted to go because no one knew me. Then I got involved with people. Yes, there was a guy who ended up being a player blah blah blah. And then worst of all, people started to have expectations of me. I just wanted to go and get fed and if the Lord asked me to minister to someone I would. I'm sure I'll go back sometime. Probably in August. I don't know blog...so much good has happened this year. I have plans but the only plans that truly matter are the ones God has for me so I hope mine match up to His haha. And yes, I'm still praying for my future husband. And glad that I still have time to get even more awesome than I already am muahahaha.