I'm done.

So ladies and gentlemen. I'm done. Officially. I asked God a question and because I was still refusing to see the answer, He changed something in me. I have a new lease on life. I am going to wait and be patient and have the best God has for me. I seem to go through these phases but this time something really did change. I look at life differently. I look at relationships differently. I'm not going to try and make my own image of what something is going to look like. And yes. I am the one who got away. Even if they are the ones who decided to bail. You know why? Because I know who I am in the kingdom and I am a queen. A young queen but a queen nonetheless. I have growing to do and learning to do but I am beautiful. Smart. Funny. Loving.

It happened out of nowhere. And I finally saw what I had been missing all along. The truth. And even though it hurts that someone so close to me could just never peep another word...well...
that's my answer. Some guys who say they are "men", don't have balls the size of marbles. But that's not my problem to deal with anymore.

Happy Thanksgiving. I have so much to be grateful and thankful for it's crazy. I have more loving people and positive people in my life then ever before and that is truly the jewel of this year. Leaving the ones who promote negative energy and selfishness and finding people who are always looking for the greater good. Even if it doesn't suit them.

I love my God. And He loves me.

2011 will be the freshest year yet. Breathe Easy.

Weird

I haven't been to a wed night service at my church in....years.
I know that the Lord has been urging me to go but I always make an excuse.
And really, it's just my expectations aren't very high.
I keep thinking I'm not there for "fun".
But God is like, "Really Amber, yes you are here to build a solid foundation and strengthen your walk but NO FUN?!"
And He proved me wrong tonight.
He had me step out in a way I never wanted to do again for fear of rejection or opinions.
But I knew I had to be obedient.
So I was.
And guess who He sends over for confirmation.
Because I did ask God for confirmation so I knew it wasn't out of line. HA
He sends my old boss.
The one I was angry with, and had a bad taste for and all kinds of stuff.
And you know what??
It was beautiful.
It's like I was there while he was talking to me and I was listening but I was really thinking the whole time... "wow, really? Is this for real?"
And it was.
And God knew.
He didn't just send anybody.
OH NO.
He sent the LAST person at church I would expect to say anything positive to me in a real way.

Needless to say, God wants me at church for a reason.
And I love Him for pushing me out of my comfort zone.
Oh wait, maybe I should be careful what I ask for ;)

...sigh...

I love him.

Proud.

I took my life into my own hands today. I didn't just wait for something to happen, I knew what I needed to do and what God had been telling me and I finally obeyed. And I feel wonderful about it. It was hard because I haven't had to confront this certain kind of situation in a long time but I pretty much knew from the beginning what was going to happen. I just was doing my whole, looking at the best possible outlook and not seeing someone for who they are now and not who they could now and thanks to close friends, prayer, and my loving God, I did the right thing.

I feel released for a new door to open in my life. Even multiple doors to open. But God needed me to close a couple before these new things had a chance to blossom.

Beautiful Lillies...
They're going to blossom :)

If you don't

If you don't want to see me then let me know
Grow a pair
Please don't be scared
I don't bite
But I do fight.

I'm tired.

I think God is teaching me a lesson.
I'm tired of wondering
I'm tired of feeling like people only want me around when it is convenient for them.
Always looking out for others and seeing the best in them.
I guess for once, I would like if someone enjoyed my company
No matter what I gave them.

I know I can't stop seeing the best in people.
Because My Lord hasn't made me that way.
Maybe I just need to be more careful about who I let into my circle...

Warrior Queen

Because I won't be the one who fights so hard this time
Really...it was all about time.

And now a new season has come
I hear the sound of the warriors' drum
He tells me what battles to fight
And He tells me which ones He will fight for me

I am a queen. A warrior queen.
In the quiet of my chambers I pray
I meditate on the things lovely and good
Behind the scenes more times then not
But ready in all seasons to use my light
To shine out the dark
That is why I fight

I'm a queen. A warrior queen.
I hear the sounds of the warriors' drum
I have a keen ear and open heart.
And piercing the darkness like a warrior's dart
This Warrior Queen
Is ready in all seasons
That is why I fight