Sunday Night

I love small groups with conversations. Sizes that are small enough to where if anyone has a question they don't feel out of place by speaking up. Maybe I'm not antisocial. Maybe I love people so much that I want to be able to be able to focus on a few so that I get the most out of our time together. I think that's it. I find being around large groups of people causes a lot of static in my head and it's difficult for me to have a productive conversation with a few- unless there are many people and I'm eye to eye with someone and only talking to them. I find that to be quite intimate and fun. Especially when you have a hard time hearing what they are saying so you are so focused on their mouth, eyes and hand gestures that even if they just need a bottle of water, it seems so secretive and close. Those are moments few, far between, and cherished much.

On this strangely calm Saturday morning.

IT's such a strange, quiet, mild Saturday morning. No place to go, no appointments to keep... freedom. Listening to an audio book about a young Mistborn warrior woman coming into herself where I lay on my bed in my comfy room with clothes strewn about wishing I was a warrior. Knowing that the only thing stopping me from doing and being is... me. And for what purpose. Something I am definitely learning is that for many years a person may be in training and in the secret place before they actually have to put their knowledge and skills to use. That is what I feel is happening but in the Spirit. I keep wanting to go out in my own strength and not for wrong reasons but it isn't right and I don't know how to explain that to people. There is a force coming and I need to be ready. Whatever that entails or looks like. I need to be confident in who I am and have the fiath in the ONE who has kept me this far. I'll be gone for most of the month of June and I intend on gaining clarity while out there. No audio books or social media. My Bible, a few physical books and nature. This will be a life-changing summer. Nothing is distracting me. No ill suited feelings to be worried about. Pure adventure and pure love.

May 21 2016

I don't know what to write this about to be crazy Saturday morning but I thought I would just open up the page and let it fly. Today is the first time I will have officially choreographed something and have kids perform it. I had an idea in my head that would have looked great but because of space and room that isn't going to happen so it will be interesting depending on how many kids show up. I am every guy's best girl friend/sister. I've known this quality in myself for a very long time but it has recently come to my attention again and either I could be mad about it because well, at this stage in life, being a guy's best friend with no prospect of anything else is about as exciting as eating chocolate ice cream. Although exciting and delicious, at the end of the day it is chocolate ice cream. Don't get me wrong, whomever the Lord puts in my path to speak life into and encourage is who I want to do that for but it just seems like in this season, it is happening...a LOT. I will choose today to enjoy being the ear and voice to some young men who would fiercely protect me and have my back as well as the enjoyment of many laughs as well.

Well, it is going to be a long weekend.

We never see ourselves the way others see us.

The other day, a student who I've known for a few years and went to church with walked up to me during the day and said, "I know what your problem is." Now, to preface this statement a couple days before I had asked him what it is that was wrong with me. This might sound strange to ask a teenage boy but we've had many great conversations and we could be great friends and we are quite honest with each other. He would give me an honest answer. So far this year, the consensus has been that I am intimidating or that I'm a woman. Well, yes I'm a woman and I believe the only reason why I may come across as intimidating is because I know who I am and what I will and will not put up with. Anyway, I respond to his statement with a quizzical look on my face and "What is it?" He said, "Nothing." I was more confused and asked..."Nothing?" He expounded. "I mean, there's nothing wrong with you and because of that you're too much too handle." I think my jaw dropped. What? There are so many things wrong with me if you only knew. I kind of stuttered and responded..."Umm...thank you?" And he walked away.

There's nothing wrong with me? I think it's more of the idea that there are so many things wrong with me and I'm so honest about them that people see me as though it's all together which is absolutely not the case.

And then today, I was talking to a former student who believes he is average in life etc. and the same as everyone else and I hate when people say that because well, I believe we're all the same if you break it down. Yes there are different personalities which showcase different areas of us but we all have the same emotions and feelings but portray them and deal with them in different ways. I didn't tell him all of that but I did tell him my opinion and I said, I believe I'm the same as everyone else. And he said, "No, you're not." to which I replied, "I really am though, I'm just me." And he said, "Exactly, that's what makes you different." So you're saying that because I am not afraid to be who I am that THAT is what makes me different? "Exactly."

Wow. After 29 years of fighting to be like everyone else because I hated rejection, I finally came into the knowledge that it is by me being who God created me to be that will draw the right people to me and leave the ones out that don't belong there or are there for a season so He can use us both as tests and lessons for one another.

All of this to say. We never see ourselves with the same mirror as others do. If I were to truly believe the things people said about me, I don't think I would be the same person. My insecurities or better yet, my knowledge of my fallenness in relation to the KNOWING of what Jesus has done for me and that it's only because of Him that I am truly myself that I am anything remotely who I've always wanted to be at all. I know many people don't understand it but with God, you are closer to being your true self than you ever were out in the world where they want everyone to conform to their expectations.

May 15th 2016

May I please count the number of men I've told I liked only to be told they don't see me that way. I can count all the way back to 9th grade when I wrote my first note to a boy I liked and for the rest of my high school life it haunted me. I really don't know how it happens. I feel as though I'm the person everyone wants to talk to, including men, because maybe they feel comfortable and that they can be vulnerable and not be judged and that I'll be honest with them and being a woman I give them some sort of ease. The problem comes when out of left field, I start developing feelings only to find out that I'm great for company, a good laugh and advice but nothing more. I'm a great friend or better yet, a great sister. I know I shouldn't be bitter about the word, "sister". It's a word especially in the Christian world that means so much and has so much value. It means I am someone they can depend on, someone they can go to, someone they know has their back. And well, I am that person. I guess I'm just perplexed. Not so much with this most recent person because I knew he was in an in between stage in life etc. But it's like I have this attractive glow that brings people into my circle but they only want to go so far because they're afraid of what will happen if they connect all the way. WOW, I sure am making myself sound pretty dang awesome, and well, any semblance of awesome is only because of Jesus.

Tonight we got to take pictures in a photo booth and I picked the crown. It was interesting because I said it was a princess crown and someone else said it was a queen/queen crown. I thought to myself, You know? Maybe I'm being trained to be a queen instead of just a princess. Believe me, living the life of a princess is beautiful but I don't believe the Lord has given me what He has for just that. Queens are meant to be wise, kind, supportive of their kings, smart, witty etc.

Ok, maybe I'm just trying to make myself sound way cooler than I actually am because my pride got hurt once again or maybe I'm coming into the realization of who I am and what I'm meant for.

<3 p="">

7:05am May 5th

I realized I was beautiful yesterday. No one told me, really. Besides a comment when I told my co-worker that I was going to ride on a Lion through Narnia and he said that you only get to ride the Lion if you get permission and I said, "Of course He'll let me." And the co-worker said something to the effect of, "Oh, because I'm so cute." It was a strange way to compliment somebody but I'll take it nonetheless. 

Let me catch up on a few crazy events that have transpired in the last 3 days. 1. I'm going to continue helping with women's ministry at the church and I'm excited about it. 2. I may have a few side jobs during the summer to help supplement my income. 3. I got asked to be an assistant stage manager for a community project play my friend is helping with that is actually going to pay?! 4. I just found out yesterday evening that I will be coming back next year and that one of my job titles will be Band Assistant. 

I can't begin to tell you how exciting this all is. He knows far more than I which...duh. I'm just feeling like I'm along for the ride. I think I've decided to continue pursuing piano because it is something I truly love and I would rather be excellent at one instrument than ok with a little bit of everything. I definitely want to take lessons to get better and more fluent. 

Let's see...oh and my back is at 80% which is LIGHTYEARS what it was even at the beginning of the week. There are definitely still motions that disagree with it but I could actually teach class yesterday which was very exciting. 

I find it funny that right before all of these pieces of news broke through, I had the hardest 2 weeks of my recent knowledge. Again, things could always be worse but usually when things are bad I know they are my fault. This time, it was things that were out of my control and the actions of others and it was truly testing my ability to forgive and to love those who don't love me which Jesus says is the only true way to test love. How easy is it to love those who love us and treat us well, but the truth come out when you need to forgive someone who's done you wrong. I am still dealing with a situation with a person I need to love and just this morning am asking God how to show him the kindness I haven't been given but maybe he really needs to see. 

Anywho, it's Thursday and an eventful day it will be!