May 15th 2016

May I please count the number of men I've told I liked only to be told they don't see me that way. I can count all the way back to 9th grade when I wrote my first note to a boy I liked and for the rest of my high school life it haunted me. I really don't know how it happens. I feel as though I'm the person everyone wants to talk to, including men, because maybe they feel comfortable and that they can be vulnerable and not be judged and that I'll be honest with them and being a woman I give them some sort of ease. The problem comes when out of left field, I start developing feelings only to find out that I'm great for company, a good laugh and advice but nothing more. I'm a great friend or better yet, a great sister. I know I shouldn't be bitter about the word, "sister". It's a word especially in the Christian world that means so much and has so much value. It means I am someone they can depend on, someone they can go to, someone they know has their back. And well, I am that person. I guess I'm just perplexed. Not so much with this most recent person because I knew he was in an in between stage in life etc. But it's like I have this attractive glow that brings people into my circle but they only want to go so far because they're afraid of what will happen if they connect all the way. WOW, I sure am making myself sound pretty dang awesome, and well, any semblance of awesome is only because of Jesus.

Tonight we got to take pictures in a photo booth and I picked the crown. It was interesting because I said it was a princess crown and someone else said it was a queen/queen crown. I thought to myself, You know? Maybe I'm being trained to be a queen instead of just a princess. Believe me, living the life of a princess is beautiful but I don't believe the Lord has given me what He has for just that. Queens are meant to be wise, kind, supportive of their kings, smart, witty etc.

Ok, maybe I'm just trying to make myself sound way cooler than I actually am because my pride got hurt once again or maybe I'm coming into the realization of who I am and what I'm meant for.

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