Oh those songs...

Why is it that when something new in life comes, so does a flood of old memories that you thought were long gone? Memories that were so dusty you thought they would never re-surface. 

One song. That's all it takes. One song to bring a flood of tears back. A part of you wants to be angry. Angry that one moment you were fine and the next you are right back where you were years ago. It shouldn't be that way. You are in a different place right? This is different right? Yes. We just have to re-train our brains. Re-train our memories to certain songs. For me a certain band for years I couldn't listen to because it would make me instantly cry. Now, I listen to it and remember a young, idealistic, romantic girl who had stars in her eyes and a sway in her body that she thought no one could take away. And I smile at that girl. Smile because someday she might come back. This time, a little more earth bound but definitely mored learned. I thank God for those things that made me who I am. Those heartbreaks and songs that remind me of how far I've come. 

I just wish it didn't happen out of nowhere. 

August 2nd

I always thought I was an easy going romantic.
It turns out I was wrong
I am quite the pessimist. The critic. The one who is waiting for the shoe to drop.
Well... the shoes have already dropped so things can only get better from here.
And they are.
I can't explain what this is
But as my good friend would say, "Amber, it's not about thinking. It's about feeling."
I am not good at "feeling"
I have been raised to be independent.
To take care of everything myself
Of course beside the occasional need of money.
The good thing was that it taught me to be completely reliant on God.
That no matter who was or wasn't in my life, He was always there and would always be there.
That is something no one can do for me. Everyone fails in one way or the other. Not Him.
But now, I find myself wanting to slowly lean on an earthly man and it freaks me out. He actually wants to take care of me. Make sure I'm smiling and happy. Who can tell when I'm about to cry and encourages it because he knows that it cleans me out. Because he knows that I always have to be strong for everyone else and that's what causes me to build my walls. I'm slowly starting to understand why God made men and women to be together. To be partners. But not just partners like the Disney movies but like partners that are constantly challenging and loving each other to be better people. Not always seeing eye to eye on everything but having discussions and hearing each other out about whatever it is you are talking about. Every day I'm learning a little more not just about myself but about how much God loves humans and about mankind.