I'm going to miss them.

It's June 29th 2016

I'm going to miss him, them, that life. The simple, semi-predictable but beautiful life. I won't ever have the white picket fence with 2 kids, a mini van and a stable life. I won't ever look at a baby and say, "Wow, she looks just like me." I won't have normal traditions to pass down from my generation to another. I won't have the normal married relationship. Yes, I'm mourning the loss of a life everyone expected me to have and maybe deep down, thought was for me too. I'm mourning the American Dream.

I was talking to a guy friend and it made me realize that to be with someone like him, I would living a different life. Not a bad life my any means, just...different. To be with a "normal" person, I wouldn't have my deepest heart's desire; to see the dead raise, the blind see, the lame walk, the broken healed, the hopeless brought hope, the shackled set free in the capacity I have always desired to walk in. This isn't the time to raise new children. At least it isn't for me. I know my body has a good 11 years left to bare children but that isn't something I want. I know I can't have both. Maybe other people can. They can have kids and minister and travel etc. but I don't want to be at home while my husband goes out. There is NOTHING wrong with that and being a Godly mother and raising Godly children is one of the highest callings a woman can have. I just don't feel led to do that. I have no problem raising, training, loving and leading children that are already here. There are so many that need love.

My life is unconventional. Traveling, worshiping, being totally consecrated to the end-times harvest of souls for the Kingdom of God.

I'm moving

6-24-16

I just quit my amazing job. A job I've loved for the past 3 years. A job I was guaranteed to have again in August working helping birth a new music program at the school. Is it going to be worth it? Am I making the biggest mistake of my life? Leaving everything for what? Something I don't know? I can't even be exciting about taking a leap of faith because to be honest, I don't feel like it. I know that in a while from now I will look back and laugh about my tears but right now, I'm upset. This is the hardest thing I've ever done.

Lord, I don't understand Your ways
But I will give you my song
I'll give You all of my praise
You hold on to my pain
And with it You are pulling me closer
Pulling me into Your ways

Now round every corner
And up every mountain
I'm not looking for crowns
Or the water from fountains
Desperately seeking
Frantic Believing
That the smile on Your face
Is all that I need

It's gonna be worth it
It's gonna be worth it
It's gonna be worth it all
It's gonna be worth it
It's gonna be worth it
It's gonna be worth it all

June 22, 2016

Now is the time to put up or shut up. Since I've been here, I've seen people who have given up everything that is comfortable and all they knew to pursue their calling in Christ no matter what anyone else thought or said about it. They were convinced that this is what Jesus has called them to do. I have been of the mindset that I am that person as well. That a normal white picket fence 2.5 kids kind of life just wasn't for me and that I was inherently raised to live a life on the edge of spontaneity. Then I have the choice to make. I have a flight that I can take that leaves tomorrow and start packing/getting rid of stuff and give away so many of my books I've accumulated over the years, and possibly two pieces of furniture that have dear sentimental value. I would give my keyboard away and see if I can sell my drum set to the school.  

There's the other thing. I have so many people who love me where I'm at. It's the most comfortable place I've ever been in my life but still helps me grow in compassion. But look at the word I used...comfortable. Being comfortable is bothersome to me. I feel less connected to the people when I have a steady place to put my head all the time and no one else at homes seems to understand that. Everyone says, God wanted to bless you so he gave you this place to live (The most beautiful but most stressful place I've lived in since being back at home) and you don't always feel like you need to suffer or have less just because you're a Christian. At this point, I would beg to differ. At least in my personal walk. Maybe one day something will change but my priorities are not to get a degree, get married, work a job and have babies so that I fulfill some sort of societal norm. My heart is set on seeing souls saved, delivered and set free through the fire of the Holy Spirit and the truth of Jesus Christ. If I stay, it doesn't mean that the Lord won't be with me because He always will but I've always prayed for the most and unless I'm willing to take a crazy leap at some point, then is my faith really valid? Am I truly believing that my God is bigger than my comfortable state.

Really?

Why does this always happen to me? How many people have I met to learn maybe just one particular lesson from and then we never see each other again or nothing comes of it? SOO MANY. Lo and behold, it has happened again. My stepmom and I were taking a brisk hot Missouri day walk and decided to go the mile to where her and my dad work and as I walk in to the foyer sweat, no makeup, and in workout clothes, this handsome gentleman talks to me as if he knows me. I look at my mom because I've never met this person and she knows everyone so he must be talking to her but he wasn't. He asked me if I'd jammed out on the drums yet. So moment by moment I realize that those are his drums at my parents' house and he is one of the guys my dad plays music and does ministry with! Ok, that's great. I know it shouldn't matter that he was handsome but did I mention that already? And his spirit was so kind and compassionate that I couldn't help but be drawn to it. Anywho...

Another person, another lesson, another experience to add to the books. As I've said so many times before, one never knows what will come of something but I'm open to whatever God has in store.