I'm going to miss them.

It's June 29th 2016

I'm going to miss him, them, that life. The simple, semi-predictable but beautiful life. I won't ever have the white picket fence with 2 kids, a mini van and a stable life. I won't ever look at a baby and say, "Wow, she looks just like me." I won't have normal traditions to pass down from my generation to another. I won't have the normal married relationship. Yes, I'm mourning the loss of a life everyone expected me to have and maybe deep down, thought was for me too. I'm mourning the American Dream.

I was talking to a guy friend and it made me realize that to be with someone like him, I would living a different life. Not a bad life my any means, just...different. To be with a "normal" person, I wouldn't have my deepest heart's desire; to see the dead raise, the blind see, the lame walk, the broken healed, the hopeless brought hope, the shackled set free in the capacity I have always desired to walk in. This isn't the time to raise new children. At least it isn't for me. I know my body has a good 11 years left to bare children but that isn't something I want. I know I can't have both. Maybe other people can. They can have kids and minister and travel etc. but I don't want to be at home while my husband goes out. There is NOTHING wrong with that and being a Godly mother and raising Godly children is one of the highest callings a woman can have. I just don't feel led to do that. I have no problem raising, training, loving and leading children that are already here. There are so many that need love.

My life is unconventional. Traveling, worshiping, being totally consecrated to the end-times harvest of souls for the Kingdom of God.