Life is too...

Life is too beautiful to stay in the dark. So as the old saying goes. Go outside and smell the roses. Life's too short to keep that pain. Let it go and before that pain makes you go insane.

All in good time

Boy, when you saw me
You didn't know what to do
Your whole life you've been living
Didn't know this could be true


So you tried me on
It didn't fit the season
So you put me back on the hanger
It's all good

And that's because

One day a man will
Find me and love me and treat me so sweet
He hold me and hug me and tickle my feet
And most of all He'll understand how big my heart is
And sway me in the moonlight cuz he knows I'm his

Thank you for teachin me
How possible a great love can be
I hope the next one that's picked out
Will fit just right
All in good time
All in good time

-Amber Torres

The Beauty of God

Yes, this post is about a tiny miniscule aspect of God's love. Really...nothing I write can ever fully express the everlasting love and unconditional love He has for all His children. But I witnessed something beautiful today and I am taking the liberty of writing it down. So I never forget. And so one day, I can look back and take that hope again. That ALL things work together for those who are called.

A dear friend of mine, let's call her...Abby. She had been through everything and anything a woman could possibly go through in a life. Divorce,death, never truly been loved by a man, being strong for everyone else when her life was falling apart. But she didn't waiver. She like Job I'm sure, asked God a lot of questions. But never lost her faith. She is such a lover of people. A lover of all things beautiful and kind, she loves the unlovely and the ones no one else has time for. And now... God gave her someone who only wants to spend their time with HER.

We watched a movie today called, "EAT PRAY LOVE". Yes, I've read the book and found a lot of beautiful things in there. But my friend had also read it but never finished it. It hit too close to home and she refused to finish it because she was afraid of finding out that the woman would end up happy alone. Well, I finished the book so I knew better :)

As we are watching the movie, her story unfolds. And although my friend hasn't travelled to Italy, India, or Bali...she has had many an adventure in her own life. Needless to say, the woman falls in love. When she least expects it. And with a man who truly understands what it is like to be rejected and the pain it is to be alone when all you want to do is love and be loved.

As I'm watching the screen...I smile. Because that's God. Everything may be taken away from us. We may lose a marriage, children, jobs, houses, cars...everything. But God always has a way of bringing all things back and then some to those who are in love with Him FIRST and seeking His will and journey.

I am always reminded. The journey isn't easy. But why should it be? What would we learn and how would be grow or even know what growing is if we never knew what it was like "back then"? This is a journey of love.

Loving God first. Only able to because He first loved us. And then. Loving others. Because who are we to keep love from anybody. Jesus didn't. And He was God's only begotten Son.

Loving means being willing to be hurt. Love means being vulnerable even though you know someone isn't perfect and will eventually let you down. But you also know that you will do the same. No matter how hard you try. We are human. That's the beauty of it. The balance of grace and mercy. "Tough love" and the, "I can see eternity in your eyes kind of love".

That's what I learned today. That life is a circle. Well...maybe not a circle. Because you're never where you were. You are always learning, growing and moving...whether you like it or not. You may be learning hard lessons, have growing pains and moving in places you don't like...but you're growing. It's the perspective you have and the God you serve that makes the difference. My God makes ALL things beautiful.

So...in short...kinda... my friend is in a beautiful relationship. I won't predict what is going to happen but He loves her. Like..."grown ass man" kind of love as we in our circle like to call it. He isn't afraid of her fears. He lets her all the way in. Speaks whatever is on his heart and truly wants to know everything that is in hers. Is completely and utterly open in a way that would destroy his heart. But that doesn't stop him. And for the first time I'm seeing what that looks like. I've never seen it. He isn't holding anything back and all he wants is to be next to her. With her. Around her. In eye's distance.

No games. No gimmicks. No playa playa. No teacher. No guru. No counselor. No accountant.

Just a lover. A friend. A soulmate.

And that my readers, is what I'm looking forward to someday. I know that I don't live in fantasyland and that while it is the most beautiful relationship I have ever had the pleasure of being a part of. I am still healing. But when God thinks I'm ready, and God says that man of mine is ready...we will meet. And just like we pray... "On earth as is it in heaven"...so it will be.

Until then...as the book title so eloquently puts it. I will EAT PRAY AND LOVE.

Wow

So I left my church about a month and a half ago and that was really hard. Not because of the church itself, but because that meant I had to look for a new place. I'm not always so good about knowing for sure what I need to do. My faith is growing though, that's for sure.

I've been literally going to different churches every week. Sometimes more then one and I'm going back to the motherland lol. The church I went to in highschool and before I left to Bible school in 2008. Let me make myself clear. My spiritual mom/worship dance leader/mentor is leading there and she has been the only woman that has known me for this long and I know will push me in the right direction. We have a long history. Not the best all the time but she's still there.

I recently had an oppurtunity to play drums/dance at a new church that is opening up in my town that would be heavily artistic based. I would be playing drums and when the church was able to, they would try and compensate me for my time and effort in their ministry. Basically, everything I could want in a church setting. But...that would be the easy route for me. I need to take the straight and narrow path for this season in my life and I really feel like being underneath the wing of my mentor and pushing through and learning to love the church body is what I need. None of that is going to be easy. But it will be easier then having to keep going around the mountain and making it hard later.

And I was able to talk to the singing director today and she was fine. It doesn't mean I'm not going to visit the church and maybe do other things there, I'm just not going to be committed like that there. A lot of people don't understand but I understand. And God understands.

It's starting to feel lonely again. But I know I'm not. People are moving. Moving cities, finding relationships, moving forward. I love being able to see all this. God puts people in our lives for certain reasons and seasons and then it's on to the next. It's natural. It's a cycle. It's sad in some aspects but knowing that it's all for the greater good and that because I love these people, I want God's best for them.

I'm starting a new job. A new relationship with an old church. New spiritual advising, and more responiblities. Ahhh, how I love fall :)

Going with the flow

In this western life we live...
Were always actively looking for answers assumingthat if we can't find out when we think it's necessary, then it's just not supposed to be. Iremember being in puerto Rico whereeverything justflowed. U didn't worry about what u were going to eat because there were so many places with similar food thAt ur only job was to see who cooked it better. Where people don't look like they are rich but they are content and happy with their concrete houses and humid air. Why? Why not? They live life every day. Not just on the weekend or once a year. Every day u celebrate that u r alive. You eat and dance and love and laugh and no body thinks anything is wrong with u. Here if people have a job let's say and still actually enjoyed their life every moment there was an oppurtunity they would be called crazy. Most of the people dot have conventional jobs. They find their own vegetables and meat and that's that for the day. That's what my life is going to be. No one is going to tell me how to enjoy my life or what my life should look like. I answer to only one that's God. And I k ow that as I live my life filled with peace and love that people are gpingto be attracted to that and and I can share where true enlightenment comes from. Where true peace and joy come from. There are too many people walking around with "great" jobs lots of money and the white picket fence but no joy. No real love. Just a facade. I would rather have women tryin to vet off the streets stay in my studio apartment with good food and agape love then and banquet of food with no love and dozens of people around who are only at your party to show themselves off. Any day. Eat. Pray. Love. Live.

The New Season

Sigh...

Every year after my birthday I wish it was fall again. From mid August to April is really my favorite time of the year. Don't get me wrong, I love my summer tan and rolling beach waves but how I love the fall and wintertime even more so. It's August 7 2010. It's been quite the year. A lot of changes. Mostly uncomfortable ones but really...how do people expect to get anywhere if they aren't challenged right? Anyway, I have left a church I was attending for 2 years. I left a job I was at for a year to take a good paying temporary job to become "unemployed", relationships have changed and been challenged, my perspective of the physical world has been greatly moved, and my relationship with my husband, Jesus Christ, and His Father, are an actual relationship...not a set of rules.

Not to mention...I cut my hair to my shoulders earlier this year...by the constant wearing of a friend. Hated that, but good to know that I did it and wasn't afraid to take a risk. And now it's growing out again and a beautiful dark plum color. No bangs... I think I'll forget bangs this winter...we'll see.

So now that we're all up to date. I'm 23 living at home with my pops, brother, and old worship leader...oh yes, and my cat coraline...who has been called gato more than Coraline I'm certain. I just recently got hired at the new Macy's that's opening up in our local Mall, I'm attending a new church, have very close relationships with my few familia. And when I say familia I mean, the family that isn't technically blood but you would never know by being with us. People always think we're related.

My bestest friend is still in Texas bless her soul. Lannie. Fighting the good fight of education and life.

For me and my blood. Things have actually gone forward this year. Due to God making it abunduntly clear to me that my communication skills were lacking to say the least. After I knew where that stemmed from I was able to and am still working toward almost, over communicating...and I say almost because I don't think I'll ever be the type of person to openly divulge all kinds of things unless you are special to me. And not just blood.

I have grown a lot. I know I say that every time this year comes around but it's really true. I've visibally seen God's hand in my life and in my actions, reactions, emotions, lack of emotions, decisions, humor, perspective...everything. I love Him so much that He is all I want to please. He is worthy of my praise and my life. And as He knows, I've given it to Him.

I've also realized what I guess you could say... demographic of people I want to reach. The streets. Now everything makes sense but if you're reading this and you know me, you also know that I haven't been the most decisive of people. Afraid to make decisions actually, never totally knowing if God was in it or not. Not about this.

I've been wanting to move to New York for years. Never knew why, I've never been there. Hear both horrible and wonderful things about it. But nevertheless, still want to be there. God gave me Ezekiel Ch2. As my call. He basically tells Ezekiel that he isn't going to a place with foreign language because they are ready and willing to hear about the true God, He is sending Ezekiel to his own people...the Israelites. Who God kept calling a "rebellious people". I don't know of any state in the country known for it's attitue and anti agape behavior than the east coast. God told him that they're hearts were hard but that He would make Ezekiel just as tough to speak the words God would give him. God told Ezekiel not to worry about being in the briar and thorns because God would protect him. And that Ezekiel was not to become rebellious like the Israelites so that he would hear the voice of the Almighty.

And that was it for me. I never thought I was called to something "normal" or "status quo". And I say that will ALL RESPECT. Because it wasn't until recently that I realized that my frustration with other believers or people who say they want to see change in the world and don't do "more" is ignorant. Many are called but few are chosen. I'm not better or more spiritual then anyone else and I don't necessarily love God more then someone else, my calling is just different from someone else's that's all. Some people were meant to BE a teacher or youth pastor or librarian and that's exactly where they're supposed to be and we need EVERYONE to do their part. I just thought that if I thought big like I do, why doesn't everyone else. I just didn't understand. Now I do.

I want to talk to the guys who just finished robbing a liquor store or who were on their way to get their next fix. I want to talk to the girls who are on the streets trying to make their way in the only way they know how. I want to talk to young kids who only see violence and killings, and gunshots and death and drugs to where that's all they've ever known and possibly all they will ever know. I want to talk to them. I want to love them. Show them that there IS ANOTHER WAY. That the sins of your fathers don't have to dictate your destiny. You'll have to fight for it. But that's a much better fight than being beautiful creation and selling yourself short. That's what I want to do. With the arts. With dance, with music, even with painting.

So that's my update people. I love you all even I've never met you or will ever meet you.

Besos.

-orangelillypad

Laughing & Crying

Laughing and crying have many of the same qualities. Have you ever been laughing so hard and all of a sudden your laughing fit turns into a fountain of unexplainable tears? The physical similarites are very apparent if you pay attention. The tears of joy or pain, the jerking of sobbing or painful laughter, the shaking of uncontrollable anything. Laughing and crying...so far apart yet so closely related. Yin and Yang. Seperate but the same. Just which end of the scale you decide to tip.

-Orangelillypad