In control

I had a run-in with a very uninvited guest recently...

very univited.

and I had choices to make.

I could have yelled, or said something sarcastic or mean or blah blah blah...you all know what I'm talking about. When something happens and you go through the scenarios in your head and get to decide which path you will take. And if you've never thought about it this way, maybe you should try.

I have heard so many times, I couldn't help it, or I didn't have a choice. Bullll ogne. You ALWAYS have a choice. I've been learning that more and more this past year thanks to a few good friends who have brought it to my attention. You do have a choice. Try it. Even with something small. If someone says something unkind, just smile. I know it sounds retarded but after awhile you'll see how often people let their emotions control them instead of them controlling their emotions. Don't get me wrong, sometimes I do just let myself feel the way I think I should. But if it's destructive, I try and just feel it for that moment and then move on. Not letting that sink inside and linger there. Effecting the rest of my day.

I say all this because it's God. He gave us the power of choice. In everything. We can choose just about anything. Some things we wish we had a choice over, like who are, or what genes we were born with etc. but we just have to do the best with what we have and know that it is perfect. Really. I know I'm never gonna be a size 3 but you know what? I like my curves. I'm learning to be healthy and excercise which is just going to eccentuate those marvelous things even more.

Whoever reads this. Try it. And let me know how it goes :)

Learning To Be Vulnerable

So...

everyone has things that have been so much a part of them that they fail to realize they are there until a third-party lovingly and gently points them out.

This happens to me a lot, but tonight, it was a lot more than the "norm".

I was talking to a friend and she brought to my attention how I'm not vulnerable. I have my vulnerable moments when it's necessary but I don't live my life in a way that tells people "I am open".

And of course, this seemingly innate part of me has been conditioned over the years, trust people, they let you down, love people, they'll eventually not be there. Trust too much, it will come back and bite you in the butt.

This is so wrong.

I can't even begin to explain how this person, not knowing really what she was doing, or better explanation, what God was doing through her was bringing up.

I DON'T ALLOW MYSELF TO EVEN MAKE A CHANCE OF BEING HURT.

I only allow people in so far and then that's it. People have to prove themselves over years it seems that they really do love me. They may not always agree with whatever I'm telling them, but they love me regardless.

But what I want to talk about is different.

It's a lifestyle of vulnerability.
It is a commandment to love our neighbors.
Which to me, means EVERYONE.
How is it possible for me to TRULY love if I don't allow the possibility for hurt.
Because I already know people are going to let me down, and they may hurt me and and walk away and all that, it should be easy...right?
I'll get there.

Everywhere I go, I'm seen as this strong woman. Someone who has it "together". But if you know me for any length of time, you will soon see that I am as feeble as they come.
It hasn't been until this past year that I have been open to being hurt. Taking chances and following my heart and realizing that yes, crap is going to happen. But would I have given ALL of the things I learned because so and so didn't pull through? Would I have given up the love I learned to recieve and the love I learned to give just so I would be in my "bubble of safety"?

I am a woman.
Not a man.
Men by nature are meant to be strong when they don't want to, and step up when no one else has the guts to and take charge and all that.
And that is what I have been doing all my life.
When something isn't going right, I automatically take the reigns...never consicously thinking about it that way, but really just genuinely thinking that I'm helping the situation or the friend or whatever the case may be.

All my life I've had to be strong and show no weakness for the people closest to me. Always finding a way to help myself. I've had to be strong for my father, my brother, my "friends".

And never had an example of what a woman means.

Sweet but strong
Honest but kind
Loving but with true LOVE

I want that.
I want so much to be able to breathe.
To know that I DON'T have to have it all together all the time.
That I can wear dresses and heals and spend time and money on myself because in the long run, when I take that time and money and invest in ME, I will be THAT much more available and able to help and be what others need at that moment in a true light.

I looked up the definition of vulnerable on dictionary.com and this is what it says...
Main Entry: vulnerable
Part of Speech: adjective
Definition: open to attack
Synonyms: accessible, assailable, defenseless, exposed, liable, naked, on the line, on the spot, out on a limb, ready, sensitive, sitting duck, sucker, susceptible, tender, thin-skinned, unguarded, unprotected, unsafe, weak, wide open
Antonyms: closed, guarded, protected, safe, secure

Being vulnerable, by definition terms, means to be open to attack, exposed, naked, tender, unguarded...pretty much everything I have not been up to this point in my life.

Being open to attack doesn't just mean, Oh, woe is my, I'm just a poor helpless soul waiting for someone to hurt me, it means, I am OPEN to attack. But just as much as I am open to attack, on the other side of the coin, I am open to LOVE. Exposed!? Ha, never!!! lol. To convey what is truly on my heart at a moment's time? That's ludicrous!!! Unguarded?!!! You must be dreaming!

Really, that has been me in a nutshell. ALL the antoymns... closed, guarded, protects "SAFE".

But I can't live life that way. I can't view everyone as a possible attack therefore closing myself off to any possibility of the good they may bring no matter how short that time is.

If you ask anyone, they will tell you, I don't always play it safe. I like a little edge in my life. It keeps things interesting. WOW...

Maybe that's it. Instead of looking at it as oh, now I have to open myself up yadda yadda, It can be an adventure. Because I well know that all great adventures ever worth talking about or rekindling are the ones where the car breaks down and you had to walk three miles to get gas...or the person sitting next to you on an airplain was smelly and insisted on talking your ear off the whole ride, or getting lost, or falling off the bicycle when you tried something new.

If there were no mishaps in an adventure, it wouldn't be called that. There would be nothing to talk about.

That's how I will learn to view my new stage of vulnerablity. Not like a game because well, that just doesn't have a good ring to it, but oh well, going into the game knowing that right when I almost get close to the end, someone is gonna say, "sorry!", then I get mad, give them the eye and move on. Yes, life is a little more complicated than "Sorry!" but same principle.

You don't just stop playing board games all together because someone sent you back to start, you know that yes, these things happen, you recognize and move on, knowing that not all games are going to end up back at start. You don't shut yourself off from all the awesome things people are and human relationships can offer.

I am a woman.
I am vulnerable.
It isn't comfortable
It feels like itchy wool on my skin...
But eventually, I won't even think about it as, Oh, now I'm being vulnerable...
It will just ooze out of me.

Jesus was the most vulnerable.
Knowing what was going to happen he still lay himself out on the table.
He still never failed to love anyone who came His way.
Even though the closest people to Him denied Him...
He had grace and loved them anyway.

Judas betraying Jesus didn't stop Jesus from dying for me.
It gave Him all the more reason to do it.
He sweat blood.
So that my vulnerability wouldn't be pointless,
so that my opening up my soul would in the end, always be covered....
ALWAYS.
Because if I know who I am
And who I come from
And I know people
I also know that in the end, ALL THINGS WORK TOGETHER FOR GOOD.

Wow, I'm glad I took the time and wrote all this out,
if someone reads this and it helps in any way.
Please let me know.

Because I know I'm just one in billions of people who go through the same things everyday.

Learn to be vulnerable.
You know how to play the game
You know the risks that are at stake
And you know that without risks, there is really nothing worth being at stake for!

He is so beautiful

You are so beautiful to me
You are so beautiful to me
Can't you see
Your everything I hoped for
Your everything I need
You are so beautiful to me

Such joy and happiness you bring
Such joy and happiness you bring
Like a dream
A guiding light that shines in the night
Heavens gift to me
You are so beautiful to me


These lyrics are so simple
So heartfelt
To the point

For some reason
This is my song tonight
Well, not for some reason. A couple of reasons.
I was doing my talking with God and just kept telling Him how thankful i am for everything. All the things that i've put myself through and Him using them for good. And telling Him how beautiful He is and lovely and pure. Realizing that everything inside of me has a part of Him in it. On my bad days, when I want to curse people, when I'm not happy, when I'm crying and confused. He's beautiful. Period.

Midnight Journals Primer

We want to know so badly everything we can about everything, that we lose the simplicity of living. Love. Kindness. Caring. If we know everything than what else is there to wonder about? We make fun of simple minded people but really, they are laughing at us. Take myself for example. Analytical, and OCD at some points. About everything. And yet, it's when I'm not trying to make something happen, when I'm least expecting something or someone, is when I find my greatest joys and pleasures. When I just do something that should be simple wimple without thinking about it so much. Those are my greatest joys. My greatest joys are when God gives me His smirk and say, "See, I told ya so ;)" By over thinking, I set myself up for a possibility of me being wrong. Therefore not doing, saying, being who and what I really am.

The joy of sitting on a deck on a summer night smoking a cigarette and looking at the moon. No noise but the crickets, the wind, and cars driving by a nearby street. Just me and God. No pressure, no having to put on a happy face, no pleasing anyone. Sanity is what I call it. To learn to be at peace all the time. Looking at the joy and comedy of it all, even when no one understands. That IS who I really am.


It's a full moon, you don't need to add or change anything because what's there is more than enough. It has its cycles, sometimes it's as clear as tonight and sometimes it seems like it isn't there at all... but the truth is, it's always there. Just because we don't believe it doesn't mean it isn't there. That just means, when it's dark, we have to know that the moon will be full once again and light our way through the darkest of nights. Again and again and again.