Learning To Be Vulnerable

So...

everyone has things that have been so much a part of them that they fail to realize they are there until a third-party lovingly and gently points them out.

This happens to me a lot, but tonight, it was a lot more than the "norm".

I was talking to a friend and she brought to my attention how I'm not vulnerable. I have my vulnerable moments when it's necessary but I don't live my life in a way that tells people "I am open".

And of course, this seemingly innate part of me has been conditioned over the years, trust people, they let you down, love people, they'll eventually not be there. Trust too much, it will come back and bite you in the butt.

This is so wrong.

I can't even begin to explain how this person, not knowing really what she was doing, or better explanation, what God was doing through her was bringing up.

I DON'T ALLOW MYSELF TO EVEN MAKE A CHANCE OF BEING HURT.

I only allow people in so far and then that's it. People have to prove themselves over years it seems that they really do love me. They may not always agree with whatever I'm telling them, but they love me regardless.

But what I want to talk about is different.

It's a lifestyle of vulnerability.
It is a commandment to love our neighbors.
Which to me, means EVERYONE.
How is it possible for me to TRULY love if I don't allow the possibility for hurt.
Because I already know people are going to let me down, and they may hurt me and and walk away and all that, it should be easy...right?
I'll get there.

Everywhere I go, I'm seen as this strong woman. Someone who has it "together". But if you know me for any length of time, you will soon see that I am as feeble as they come.
It hasn't been until this past year that I have been open to being hurt. Taking chances and following my heart and realizing that yes, crap is going to happen. But would I have given ALL of the things I learned because so and so didn't pull through? Would I have given up the love I learned to recieve and the love I learned to give just so I would be in my "bubble of safety"?

I am a woman.
Not a man.
Men by nature are meant to be strong when they don't want to, and step up when no one else has the guts to and take charge and all that.
And that is what I have been doing all my life.
When something isn't going right, I automatically take the reigns...never consicously thinking about it that way, but really just genuinely thinking that I'm helping the situation or the friend or whatever the case may be.

All my life I've had to be strong and show no weakness for the people closest to me. Always finding a way to help myself. I've had to be strong for my father, my brother, my "friends".

And never had an example of what a woman means.

Sweet but strong
Honest but kind
Loving but with true LOVE

I want that.
I want so much to be able to breathe.
To know that I DON'T have to have it all together all the time.
That I can wear dresses and heals and spend time and money on myself because in the long run, when I take that time and money and invest in ME, I will be THAT much more available and able to help and be what others need at that moment in a true light.

I looked up the definition of vulnerable on dictionary.com and this is what it says...
Main Entry: vulnerable
Part of Speech: adjective
Definition: open to attack
Synonyms: accessible, assailable, defenseless, exposed, liable, naked, on the line, on the spot, out on a limb, ready, sensitive, sitting duck, sucker, susceptible, tender, thin-skinned, unguarded, unprotected, unsafe, weak, wide open
Antonyms: closed, guarded, protected, safe, secure

Being vulnerable, by definition terms, means to be open to attack, exposed, naked, tender, unguarded...pretty much everything I have not been up to this point in my life.

Being open to attack doesn't just mean, Oh, woe is my, I'm just a poor helpless soul waiting for someone to hurt me, it means, I am OPEN to attack. But just as much as I am open to attack, on the other side of the coin, I am open to LOVE. Exposed!? Ha, never!!! lol. To convey what is truly on my heart at a moment's time? That's ludicrous!!! Unguarded?!!! You must be dreaming!

Really, that has been me in a nutshell. ALL the antoymns... closed, guarded, protects "SAFE".

But I can't live life that way. I can't view everyone as a possible attack therefore closing myself off to any possibility of the good they may bring no matter how short that time is.

If you ask anyone, they will tell you, I don't always play it safe. I like a little edge in my life. It keeps things interesting. WOW...

Maybe that's it. Instead of looking at it as oh, now I have to open myself up yadda yadda, It can be an adventure. Because I well know that all great adventures ever worth talking about or rekindling are the ones where the car breaks down and you had to walk three miles to get gas...or the person sitting next to you on an airplain was smelly and insisted on talking your ear off the whole ride, or getting lost, or falling off the bicycle when you tried something new.

If there were no mishaps in an adventure, it wouldn't be called that. There would be nothing to talk about.

That's how I will learn to view my new stage of vulnerablity. Not like a game because well, that just doesn't have a good ring to it, but oh well, going into the game knowing that right when I almost get close to the end, someone is gonna say, "sorry!", then I get mad, give them the eye and move on. Yes, life is a little more complicated than "Sorry!" but same principle.

You don't just stop playing board games all together because someone sent you back to start, you know that yes, these things happen, you recognize and move on, knowing that not all games are going to end up back at start. You don't shut yourself off from all the awesome things people are and human relationships can offer.

I am a woman.
I am vulnerable.
It isn't comfortable
It feels like itchy wool on my skin...
But eventually, I won't even think about it as, Oh, now I'm being vulnerable...
It will just ooze out of me.

Jesus was the most vulnerable.
Knowing what was going to happen he still lay himself out on the table.
He still never failed to love anyone who came His way.
Even though the closest people to Him denied Him...
He had grace and loved them anyway.

Judas betraying Jesus didn't stop Jesus from dying for me.
It gave Him all the more reason to do it.
He sweat blood.
So that my vulnerability wouldn't be pointless,
so that my opening up my soul would in the end, always be covered....
ALWAYS.
Because if I know who I am
And who I come from
And I know people
I also know that in the end, ALL THINGS WORK TOGETHER FOR GOOD.

Wow, I'm glad I took the time and wrote all this out,
if someone reads this and it helps in any way.
Please let me know.

Because I know I'm just one in billions of people who go through the same things everyday.

Learn to be vulnerable.
You know how to play the game
You know the risks that are at stake
And you know that without risks, there is really nothing worth being at stake for!