1-31-13

I just watched, "My Best Friend's Wedding". And I probably shouldn't have. It's late, and I've been in this weird self-pity place this week. You know what? I do stupid things. Very stupid things. Although I pray that one day, someone will see my stupid things that I do and laugh, until then...I'm stuck with them by myself. Maybe God really is keeping my heart soft like I prayed for. I asked Him to please keep my heart soft because everything around me tells me to keep the doors shut and locked.

I guess it's working. And what I always fear most. Rejection. Abandonment. Not living up to everything I know I can be. Being vulnerable. Those fears will come true if you can't get past the fact that you WILL mess up. Not if, but when. That when you make yourself vulnerable, you leave yourself open to being hurt. And instead of worrying about that, taking each instance, each person, each relationship and gleaning as much as you can from them. Not everyone is supposed to be around forever no matter what ideas you had in your mind. Although you can predict a good deal of what people will say or do or even react, there will be those few times, the most confusing and devastating times...when there is no good explanation. No rhyme or reason. People are just people. Then after being hurt, angry, and the whole bit. You stop mourning and realize that people are hurt. And you are no different.

I would have liked to convince myself that I was meant for a life with just me and Jesus. And to be quite honest, I would be ok with that. But that isn't what He has for me. He has a man for me. A partner in this crazy ride called life. Someone in the physical to represent one of God's best creations. Relationship. It may not be now, or a year from now, or 2 years from now, but it WILL come. And until then, I'll learn to be vulnerable with people I know will hurt me and love everyone who comes along my path.

Eyes of fire

When people look into my eyes I want them to see the love of Jesus. The fire of Jesus. It has happened maybe 5 times that I've looked into someone's eyes and they were on fire. It's mesmerizing. I can't imagine what it would have felt like to be the woman with the issue of blood or Mary Magdalene and have those eyes piercing into my soul. I think I would have done exactly what Mary did and spend the rest of my life doing everything I could stay close and worship and minister with Him. And even though I don't get to physically see the eyes of Jesus now, I've seen His likeness in others. I want to be that for other people. I want them to see the light and fire of God inside of me that makes them want to follow the Jesus I love so much. The Jesus who loves ME so much. There is a worship artist named Rick Pino and every song I've heard is so profound. Prophetic. Raw. On the edge. A warrior. A lover. And I saw a short video of him and when you see him you just see the Lord emanating out of him. I was just smiling watching him. haha. But I know that to get that close to Jesus. To have such a profound revelation and impact, that means I must be rid of things that would distract me from His presence. Not out of a religious necessity but like any great artist, author, musician etc. one must dedicate his/her life to their craft. I don't want to be half ok at the gifts God has given me, I want to fulfill everything He has planned for me. The road isn't easy, but it will so be worth it. I'm finally going to sleep now.

Love,
    Amber

A special life

Not many people understand.
The life I've chosen to live isn't one that will always be in one place.
There won't be a white picket fence and being home all the time.
There won't be many if any weekends where I can go out.
I've chosen a narrow path.
It's like being a doctor or a lawyer.
I'm constantly on call and many times bring work home with you. Not intentionally but it's on my heart. I've chosen the life of ministry. Whether it's on a stage, or in a church. In a Denny's or on a bus. I am a messenger from the Lord. A worshipper. An uplifter. There are times when I'm with someone and I need to go and do my job. That other person will need to understand. I never want to hear the words, "You talk about God too much" or "Can't we just watch a movie without you overanalyzing" or "You spend too much time at Church". I can't handle it. It's who I am. I've seen too many relationships where people thought they knew what they were getting into when they married someone who was serious about ministry and then people start feeling neglected and unimportant etc. I know there are boundaries etc. Sigh...I guess I'll figure things out whenever that happens.

Random thoughts for the night...1-26

So...

I love fake nails. I don't make enough money to keep up with them. Therefore, I treat myself every week to a nail polish. And I loved today because someone thought my nails were fake. Yay :) And I am tired. I'm getting up oober early tomorrow but I have tomorrow off.

Crooked smiles

I don't know 

What to say anymore

These words that flow

Are sticking to my throat

The tears they're welling up

But nothing is coming out

Words don't seem to work on you

You slap them

Spin them right back around 

To me

But cracked

And crooked

I slowly lose the reason

Why I deal with all this treason

People only want what's good for them

I thought if I put my wants at the end

All would be well

And all would be happy

But the truth is

No one ever truly is

They smile and pretend

They smile with their crooked teeth

They smile with their crooked words

They justify their means to the end

So I wake up

Here I go again

Leaning on one who is so much bigger than me

Knowing that growing tired

Of doing good

Is a sign to keep going

Keep doing 

Keep loving

Keep leaning

One day

I'll see

That all those crooked smiles

Were just broken hearts 

Enlivened 

1-22-13

On earth there is an end to all beauty. When a beautiful baby is born, at some point something not beautiful will happen in their life. A beautiful painting will get holes and dust from age. A flower will only last a season before it's time is done. Everything in this life is so temporary. Everything. I look at this world in the United States and wonder if people remember what it's like to have a real conversation outside of a computer. If books and writing will become a lost art. If fight for what you love will forever just be something we read about or see in movies.

I don't know where this world is going. Better yet, I do and there's a part of me that knows what it is going to take and I don't know if I'm ready to make that decision yet or not. But I know that I can't wait around every day pretending like it's not there. I find myself complaining about a job. A job that was a huge blessing when I had been looking for a year for work. That God literally placed in my hands and said, "Take it". Then here I go getting comfortable wanting more. Thinking I deserve more. I don't deserve anything. I don't deserve anything. No one owes me anything. Just being I am a child of God doesn't give me a free ticket to whatever I want. Even though if you were to ask me, I'd say, I know that. I've been starting to act like it was owed to me. Nothing is owed to me. I want to spend the rest of my life serving others without the thought of what I may get out of it. And trust that God will be with me whether it's in finances, health, relationships, etc. Jesus Himself would be sick with my actions and thoughts. But the fact that I'm sitting here after watching, "Machine Gun Preacher" at 1:07 in the morning writing this somehow I hope gives Him a glimpse that I want to change. That I want to work for Him whether I get "compensated" or not. Whether anyone remembers my name. Whether or not one more person gives me a compliment or not. Whether everyone calls me crazy or not.

God, I'm so sorry. I repent for my selfish ways. I'm sorry for my false humility and I stand before you a broken vessel. A human soul so in need of the revelation of true love. Of true love. Lord, all the things I've been selfish about I realize right now come from the fact that no one paid any attention to me when I was little. I was always told just to sit down and be quiet. To do good in school. No one ever cared about me wanting to dance, or only wanted me to play drums because they needed them. I always felt like people just wanted something from me and didn't want just me. And I've pushed a lot of people away becasue I'm afraid deep down that no one is going stand with whenthe shit hits the fan. That all these insecurities come from knowing that you are only one who is always there but knowing that I need people and I don't want to do something that will make them leave but in the process that's exactly what I do.

I'm sorry Jesus. You didn't die so that I can have everything the way I want it all the time. Eventually a child has to grow up. I'm terrified of growing up. Everything grown-ups have doenne seems to make them miserable. Broken marriages. Abused people. Doing things in the name of God because they don't have the guts to do what they really should. Being a slave to fear. To being a pauper. I'm sorry for trying to use as a slot machine. Oh let me pull this lever and see what comes out. I feel like I'm starting from scratch. From nothing. I feel like I'm in the wilderness and I know the only way out is to take a machete and cut down anything in my way. But I'm sitting here waiting and hoping that if I yell loud enough someone will find me. You've given me the tools that I need. Now it's my turn to cut the trees and get out.

Farewell for now balloon

You are so far away
But here is where I am to stay
Like a balloon let go by a child
My heart is floating
Sad but not mild

It's like it popped
And all the joy it stopped
And you are disappointed
Waiting for the next chance to get another

Always knowing that one was the best
In the back of your mind wondering where it could have went

Farewell for now balloon
I hope to see you soon
At the right place
The right time