1-31-13

I just watched, "My Best Friend's Wedding". And I probably shouldn't have. It's late, and I've been in this weird self-pity place this week. You know what? I do stupid things. Very stupid things. Although I pray that one day, someone will see my stupid things that I do and laugh, until then...I'm stuck with them by myself. Maybe God really is keeping my heart soft like I prayed for. I asked Him to please keep my heart soft because everything around me tells me to keep the doors shut and locked.

I guess it's working. And what I always fear most. Rejection. Abandonment. Not living up to everything I know I can be. Being vulnerable. Those fears will come true if you can't get past the fact that you WILL mess up. Not if, but when. That when you make yourself vulnerable, you leave yourself open to being hurt. And instead of worrying about that, taking each instance, each person, each relationship and gleaning as much as you can from them. Not everyone is supposed to be around forever no matter what ideas you had in your mind. Although you can predict a good deal of what people will say or do or even react, there will be those few times, the most confusing and devastating times...when there is no good explanation. No rhyme or reason. People are just people. Then after being hurt, angry, and the whole bit. You stop mourning and realize that people are hurt. And you are no different.

I would have liked to convince myself that I was meant for a life with just me and Jesus. And to be quite honest, I would be ok with that. But that isn't what He has for me. He has a man for me. A partner in this crazy ride called life. Someone in the physical to represent one of God's best creations. Relationship. It may not be now, or a year from now, or 2 years from now, but it WILL come. And until then, I'll learn to be vulnerable with people I know will hurt me and love everyone who comes along my path.