Intrigue...

You are the definition of intrigue. From the outside, people may not see much. But I see you glowing. The light inside you seeps through your pores. You don't know it. You don't see it in yourself. I see it. We may never talk. After this season we may never see each other again. But I had to write about you. Dedicate a small piece of art to the inspiration you have given in just your presence. I am learning from you. By observing you. It's truly fascinating. It's a whole other world the language you speak. It's foreign and beautiful. You distract me from even the actors on the stage. Your hands they move like a swift well-oiled vehicle to interpret the language of the hearing for the language of the deaf. So although you will never read this, and this time of me knowing is short but sweet; thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

My gut feeling...

I can't believe
How much I've learned to hate
Being right
How strong my gut feeling
Has become
Impossible to ignore

Yay for me
Wo for you
No more tricking
Only truth
Yay for me
Wo for you
No more tricking
Only truth

With eyes wide open
Heart rightly guarded
How strong my gut feeling
Has become
Impossible to ignore

-Amber Torres

It is true what they say...

whoever they is. Only you can look out for you. When push comes to shove everyone is looking out for themselves. Now I know this sounds critical and not loving but I don't mean it that way. What I mean is, people only know what they know and THEIR experiences. When you are constantly depending on the approval of others to move forward with something in your life, you will never have the satisfaction of knowing it was JUST you and God. The sad truth is, people are only satisfied for a moment and when that passes they are on to the next thing. We need to find our satisfaction in God. He has no hidden agenda, no impure motives. Everything He asks of us in the end is for our own good. It will bring us the most joy. This is what I am learning. Everyone around me has an idea for my life. What I should be, the kind of person I should marry, the kind of job I should have, the color hair I should get etc. And well, I have an opinion about all those things as well! But my recent experience is that, when God gives me and leads into HIS will, everything else fades in comparison. Nothing else can hold a candle to the joy it gives me. The peace and bliss. So that is what I'm going to trust. No, not the ooey gooey feelings and goosebumps but the direction He is taking me. Because the things He has shown me and given me the honor to be a part of so far has been the most trying situations but when the fruit grows and gets plucked, all that other stuff is forgotten. So it is true what they say, whoever THEY is. Except they didn't take into account the creator of the Universe being on my side. Your Side.

Peace and Love

The moment you can breathe again

That moment when you let go of what you've known you needed to let go of for a long time but despite all the excuses you gave yourself (and him) you kept holding on. Thinking you knew better. You didn't. He does. The Big Man upstairs. I'm letting you go. And I feel like I can breathe again. Like all the things I've been telling these young girls is something I've been needing to listen to myself and I just didn't want to know it. But I do. And I am.

I miss you

I miss you
And I can't tell you
But in case you were wondering
I do

4/7/13

It seems so along
Since I've looked into your eyes
Since I saw your smile
And heard your laugh
How I miss it
How I miss you

The tears they start to well up
But my body won't let them fall
They won't fall because you won't call

I can't spend another tear on another man
Who doesn't care
No, I'm not angry
Nor am I mad
It's actually a healthy feeling
Because my head is clear
And my heart is in His hands

I am strong, beautiful woman
And I am patient
More then most
And God has made me promises
And He is not a man that He should lie

I got it...

So, I was scheduled to work 5 hours today but ended up working 8. It may not sound like a big difference but it really is, I didn't know what to do. So I went home and ate because I was oober hungry. Then I watched a movie and all of a sudden was getting that blue feeling again. So I decide to work out. Yes I've been working out 6 days a week for a little over a month now but I really didn't feel like it. I was exhausted. And while I'm working out I start to cry. Granted there are a lot of tears I haven't cried yet because I just don't know how to but that's a whole other story. And then I realized...that's why people get obsessed with working out!! It's control. It's that no matter what else is going crazy in your life or who is or isn't in it the ONE thing you can control is yourself and your body and push it as far as you can. That eating/not eating, working out/not working out are all decisions that I get to make no matter what. That being overweight/obese and unhealthy is just as much of a decision as getting off my booty and eating clean, working out and being healthy!!! Eating crap seems easier at the time because it's right in front of you but when you look in the mirror and don't see the best version of yourself you know there can be, or you make an excuse as to why it's OK to have another piece of cake... (because I deserve it) or any of the other number of excuses I've made as well as millions of others and when you get mad at "those girls" for being able to wear super cute clothes or bathing suits that you would only dream of wearing that's YOUR CHOICE. Don't be mad at those girls because they control what they eat. Yes it can get out of hand just like over eating you can under eat or throw up what you just ate but I'm talking about within reason. There is a girl I know who works at a place where she has to stay a certain weight and she works out EVERY DAY and watches what she eats so she can do that. Sure at first I thought she was superficial but you know what? That takes self-control. Perseverance. Something I have lacked or thought I lacked for a lonnnnnggg time. I'm over it. People will hate on you because you're too fat, they'll hate on you because you're too skinny, they'll hate on you because you don't dress like them or because you do dress like them. Who gives a crap?! At 26 I can finally say I'm finding the Amber I was always supposed to be. Since people are going to hate anyway, why not let them hate on the best version of myself. The version God intended me to be.