First Residential Downpour...

So, this is kind of epic to me. I am obsessed with rain. I guess when you grow up for 25 years in a place that only rains 3 or 4 times a year it is like the abominable snowman. It doesn't really exist unless you see it.

Right now I'm sitting in my kind of room in Blue Eye Missouri and experiencing some downpour of the likes I've neverrr seen in California. It's crazy!! I had to document this because with the thunder, dark clouds and rain, I am the happiest girl. <3 a="" able="" be="" but="" by="" did="" glad="" had="" happen="" high="" i="" if="" in="" interview.="" interview="" it="" job="" kitchen="" local="" lord="" mention="" of="" p="" s="" school="" that="" the="" to="" was="" way="" will="" work="" yesterday="">
Ok, I am just overjoyed right now and can't even handle myself. THIS is why people don't pay for water. :)

Thank you Lord. 

So I've moved...

Today, the 25th day of July 2016 is my first day as a resident of the Midwest. I've left a job I love, friends I would die for as well as them die for me, and a place that is literally burning as I speak. I suppose that is the juxtaposition of how I feel right now. There is one person in particular I am sad about. Wondering if maybe things would have different had I made different choices but...that's not how life works. NOT life with God. I have to know that this is where I am supposed to be even if in this moment I am just a dot on a page no one sees in a place where no one knows my name. Or even worse, a place I am only known as the daughter of someone they know. A 29 year old woman fighting to keep herself. Not because her father did or does anything to perpetuate it. It just is. 

My life is now composed of 7 boxes and a hope chest. 7 boxes of the culmination of my life and hope chest filled with things that may or may not be yet to be. 

I'm new. 

I get to be who I've always wanted to be with no apologies. The person God wants me to be that I've always been too afraid of being. I'm no longer the sheepish shy girl afraid of the opinions of men and rejection. I have been rejected more times than one could know. My life is in the hands of the one who not only accepts me but is ravished by me. 

My heart hurts because people miss me... I didn't know that was possible. For someone to miss me. I just always assumed that I was better off leaving others alone and me doing my own thing. But I saw something yesterday that I had never seen before. Genuine tears in a man's eyes and an "I love you" that I can never unhear. It threw me off. I was confused. Everything in my experience tells me that men only loved me because of what I gave them and what made them feel good. This love was from a place of loving me for the essence of who I am. A Woman of God. A friend. A sister. A fellow soldier in the faith. Those were eyes that realized what was going to be gone and wanted more time. I didn't know that existed for me. No one ever waits for me at the airport. No man has ever loved me so much that he let me go because that's where I was supposed to be. That is true love. Whatever that looks like in physical doesn't matter because it manifested itself in that hug, in that look, in those words. 

And here I am, starting a new life. Whatever that means. A life led by the Holy Spirit and solely caring about the pleasure of my Father in Heaven. What makes Him pleased. What makes Him happy. I have nothing left to lose. I've lost my parents before, I've now given up the closest friends I've ever had, I've given up my car, my job, my beautiful church family. My independance. 

I am now at the feet of Jesus truly understanding what it's like to walk the talk. To not just talk about giving up everything to follow Christ but doing it. I'm not mad about it, I have no regrets. I am just a human trying to process that massive feet that is this decision I've made. I know others have given up more. That some may look at my situation and think that it's nothing. But it's something to me and most importantly, it's something to God. He can now do what He will because He knows that nothing on this earth is more important that He is. 

Am I perfect. Absolutely not. Have I arrived...that's a good one. Am I a willing vessel straining to hear the voice of my Father and be obedient? I am attempting the best I can knowing that it isn't by my will but by my spending time at His feet and knowing that whatever it looks like I'm giving up now is nothing compared to the glory that will be in Heaven.