1-22-13

On earth there is an end to all beauty. When a beautiful baby is born, at some point something not beautiful will happen in their life. A beautiful painting will get holes and dust from age. A flower will only last a season before it's time is done. Everything in this life is so temporary. Everything. I look at this world in the United States and wonder if people remember what it's like to have a real conversation outside of a computer. If books and writing will become a lost art. If fight for what you love will forever just be something we read about or see in movies.

I don't know where this world is going. Better yet, I do and there's a part of me that knows what it is going to take and I don't know if I'm ready to make that decision yet or not. But I know that I can't wait around every day pretending like it's not there. I find myself complaining about a job. A job that was a huge blessing when I had been looking for a year for work. That God literally placed in my hands and said, "Take it". Then here I go getting comfortable wanting more. Thinking I deserve more. I don't deserve anything. I don't deserve anything. No one owes me anything. Just being I am a child of God doesn't give me a free ticket to whatever I want. Even though if you were to ask me, I'd say, I know that. I've been starting to act like it was owed to me. Nothing is owed to me. I want to spend the rest of my life serving others without the thought of what I may get out of it. And trust that God will be with me whether it's in finances, health, relationships, etc. Jesus Himself would be sick with my actions and thoughts. But the fact that I'm sitting here after watching, "Machine Gun Preacher" at 1:07 in the morning writing this somehow I hope gives Him a glimpse that I want to change. That I want to work for Him whether I get "compensated" or not. Whether anyone remembers my name. Whether or not one more person gives me a compliment or not. Whether everyone calls me crazy or not.

God, I'm so sorry. I repent for my selfish ways. I'm sorry for my false humility and I stand before you a broken vessel. A human soul so in need of the revelation of true love. Of true love. Lord, all the things I've been selfish about I realize right now come from the fact that no one paid any attention to me when I was little. I was always told just to sit down and be quiet. To do good in school. No one ever cared about me wanting to dance, or only wanted me to play drums because they needed them. I always felt like people just wanted something from me and didn't want just me. And I've pushed a lot of people away becasue I'm afraid deep down that no one is going stand with whenthe shit hits the fan. That all these insecurities come from knowing that you are only one who is always there but knowing that I need people and I don't want to do something that will make them leave but in the process that's exactly what I do.

I'm sorry Jesus. You didn't die so that I can have everything the way I want it all the time. Eventually a child has to grow up. I'm terrified of growing up. Everything grown-ups have doenne seems to make them miserable. Broken marriages. Abused people. Doing things in the name of God because they don't have the guts to do what they really should. Being a slave to fear. To being a pauper. I'm sorry for trying to use as a slot machine. Oh let me pull this lever and see what comes out. I feel like I'm starting from scratch. From nothing. I feel like I'm in the wilderness and I know the only way out is to take a machete and cut down anything in my way. But I'm sitting here waiting and hoping that if I yell loud enough someone will find me. You've given me the tools that I need. Now it's my turn to cut the trees and get out.