Inspiration

Ever since I can remember my favorite songs were always melancholy. My favorite chord was A minor.  I knew emotion when I could hear the strain in someone's voice as they reached deep inside their heart to relive a painful moment. As a Christian I always found this odd because I am in love with God. The joy, the peace, the love. And then I read books and stories like Job, David, Ruth, Moses, Esther, Sampson... and in every single story there is a battle. A feud between flesh and spirit. Spirit and spirit.

My deepest heart is expressed in pain. In those times when all I can do is cry out. When it is utterly apparent to me that I am not smart enough, talented enough, anything enough to fix or change something. When I think I've done everything right and yet...the floor is falling right from underneath me.

That is why I have so much joy. It isn't because my life has been painless. It isn't because my heart has never been broken. It isn't because everything got handed to me on a silver platter. Or because everyone likes me. It isn't because I was just born joyful. I have joy because the Lord gave it to me in my darkest times. He gave it to me because I'm not strong enough by myself. His joy is my strength. His joy reminds me that no matter how dark things look, that He supersedes all of it. I look up into the dark night sky and see the trillions of brilliant bulbs flashing. The fish He made for no "good" reason other than He likes and enjoys pretty things and being creative.

 The balance of opening up that deep wound, and letting the light of love flood it and heal it. That is what I want my art to be. I don't want to be afraid of the boogie man. I don't want people to afraid of the skeletons in the closet. Because God isn't. I want to open that closet. Pain and all. Then bring living water. Breathe. Life. Whether it's dancing or singing. The vulnerability is what has been lacking for so long. It's something I've dealt with since I can remember. God has changed me and is always changing me. But I know I'm not who I was.

Inspiration. Pain. Healing. Joy.