Christmas Day 2009

There are pieces no one will know
There are pieces I... sad to say, will never show

I try and push you out of my mind.
Find other things
And other people
To take the place you once shared with me

But it isn't happening.

I know what is here and it is right
I have so many questions
And I have so many things I wish I could tell you...
But I can't
And I don't know when or if I ever will

The Lord above hears my cries
He sees the tears welling up in my eyes
Why couldn't we just BE
Why did this have to get so complicated
It couldn't have been simple could it?
The people closest to me don't understand

They find the things I love irrelevent
They look at me like I'm crazy

And you never did
You opened up a part of me that can never be shut again

Even if I have to write all of my thoughts and observations down on paper that is what I'm going to do.

This thing in me can't die
I won't let it die

As easy as it would be
To just forget what I know
How easy it would be to just live in this river of the lack of knowledge so many have become comfortable with....
I can't.

Every time I pray
Everytime I look into someones eyes
I see them

I see them

And it isn't always pretty
To be honest, most times it isn't

Most times I want to cry with that person.
Tell them it's going to be alright
When the Lord leads me, I do.

I am being used as a beacon of hope
A light where there isn't any

There is something welling up inside of me that I don't want to control anymore
Something that has been being slowly birthed for so long that I'm about to burst.

You know what people teach?
To be cold-hearted
To let things go.
To forfeit

I have had to let go of a lot of things and a lot of people
And God himself has done some of this for my own good
He knows me better then I know myself.

I guess all that to say
I can't forget.
He won't let me

I may have a lapse here and there
But when I go to sleep at night
You are there.

As I've said
I've tried to push you out
For sake of what I thought was my sanity
But come to find out
It's you existing somewhere in the sphere of this world that keeps me sane
That gives me hope

That I'm not the only one of my kind.

It is a hard road
And most times you are alone

To be surrounded by people all around
People who know only what they have experienced and chalking everything else to that...
Never looking beyond
Never looking with their spiritual eyes

If I don't put my nose to the grind
It will fade...
I've felt it before
But as soon as I go back to the source...
How quickly it comes back and with so much greater force

For that I thank you

I once used an analogy of soldiers in battle...
how just a picture of their loved one would get them through the pain
the suffering
the torture

Because of a hope

Because they knew what was on the other side

Never is that more true then now

I can't fight this battle based on what I see now
How depressing that would be
I have to fight for the right reasons
The right cause
The hope in the one who created me and the one who created you

It's Christmas Day...2009