You are so beautiful to me
You are so beautiful to me
Can't you see
Your everything I hoped for
Your everything I need
You are so beautiful to me
Such joy and happiness you bring
Such joy and happiness you bring
Like a dream
A guiding light that shines in the night
Heavens gift to me
You are so beautiful to me
These lyrics are so simple
So heartfelt
To the point
For some reason
This is my song tonight
Well, not for some reason. A couple of reasons.
I was doing my talking with God and just kept telling Him how thankful i am for everything. All the things that i've put myself through and Him using them for good. And telling Him how beautiful He is and lovely and pure. Realizing that everything inside of me has a part of Him in it. On my bad days, when I want to curse people, when I'm not happy, when I'm crying and confused. He's beautiful. Period.
Friday, August 7, 2009
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Midnight Journals Primer
We want to know so badly everything we can about everything, that we lose the simplicity of living. Love. Kindness. Caring. If we know everything than what else is there to wonder about? We make fun of simple minded people but really, they are laughing at us. Take myself for example. Analytical, and OCD at some points. About everything. And yet, it's when I'm not trying to make something happen, when I'm least expecting something or someone, is when I find my greatest joys and pleasures. When I just do something that should be simple wimple without thinking about it so much. Those are my greatest joys. My greatest joys are when God gives me His smirk and say, "See, I told ya so ;)" By over thinking, I set myself up for a possibility of me being wrong. Therefore not doing, saying, being who and what I really am.
The joy of sitting on a deck on a summer night smoking a cigarette and looking at the moon. No noise but the crickets, the wind, and cars driving by a nearby street. Just me and God. No pressure, no having to put on a happy face, no pleasing anyone. Sanity is what I call it. To learn to be at peace all the time. Looking at the joy and comedy of it all, even when no one understands. That IS who I really am.
It's a full moon, you don't need to add or change anything because what's there is more than enough. It has its cycles, sometimes it's as clear as tonight and sometimes it seems like it isn't there at all... but the truth is, it's always there. Just because we don't believe it doesn't mean it isn't there. That just means, when it's dark, we have to know that the moon will be full once again and light our way through the darkest of nights. Again and again and again.
The joy of sitting on a deck on a summer night smoking a cigarette and looking at the moon. No noise but the crickets, the wind, and cars driving by a nearby street. Just me and God. No pressure, no having to put on a happy face, no pleasing anyone. Sanity is what I call it. To learn to be at peace all the time. Looking at the joy and comedy of it all, even when no one understands. That IS who I really am.
It's a full moon, you don't need to add or change anything because what's there is more than enough. It has its cycles, sometimes it's as clear as tonight and sometimes it seems like it isn't there at all... but the truth is, it's always there. Just because we don't believe it doesn't mean it isn't there. That just means, when it's dark, we have to know that the moon will be full once again and light our way through the darkest of nights. Again and again and again.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Thoughtful
People have faith in me...
In things they've never seen me do.
Things I have never openly done.
This past week alone.
On more than 4 occasions
Me saying something in a nonchalant manner
And the other person totally taking me seriously even if they had never met me in my life
It's quite scary I must say
It's happening
I can feel it
Something soon is about to unfold
If it isn't starting already
Of course I don't think I'm ready for it
But God knows what I've asked for and He knows what truly makes me happy
He knows exactly what He put inside of me
And He's willing (thankfully :) ) to be patient and guide me along the way
I'm gonna have to work for it
But what else is worth working for?
In things they've never seen me do.
Things I have never openly done.
This past week alone.
On more than 4 occasions
Me saying something in a nonchalant manner
And the other person totally taking me seriously even if they had never met me in my life
It's quite scary I must say
It's happening
I can feel it
Something soon is about to unfold
If it isn't starting already
Of course I don't think I'm ready for it
But God knows what I've asked for and He knows what truly makes me happy
He knows exactly what He put inside of me
And He's willing (thankfully :) ) to be patient and guide me along the way
I'm gonna have to work for it
But what else is worth working for?
Thursday, July 2, 2009
wowza
So I came against a brick wall yesterday...
and it hurt.
You know how people say that if you are trying to NOT be something so much that it occupies your mind most of the time, then that is EXACTLY what you'll become? Well, it happened to me.
Yes dear friends. The one thing I didn't want to be I became. Not myself. Of course out of all the other things I could possibly worry about that doesn't seem to be a big deal but if you knew me, those other things don't even have a breathe in my life anymore.
I've always battled with being myself. Where to draw the line between being loud and brutally honest and being super kind and an "angel". People who know me best know that I've been on a journey of being a b****, to being loving and compassionate and trying not to hurt anyone's feelings.
And here I am now. Having grown much during this past year, learning true humanity and learning (trying to comprehend) God's love, I have realized that the true identity of Amber Torres doesn't lie within herself as she once was ignorant of the truth. But as she is now...with the working knowledge of THE TRUTH. The One from which all things are created. Learning that I am this creation for a reason and for this season and if I TRULY want to be the me to the fullest potential. I must put all other opinions and thoughts to the wayside and completely focus on what I kNOW I'm supposed to be or figure out along the way.
This is really a change for me. Being aware. That is my slogan this season. Constantly living life on purpose. Never a thought a look or anything without my filture....MY FILTURE...which God gave ME.
and it hurt.
You know how people say that if you are trying to NOT be something so much that it occupies your mind most of the time, then that is EXACTLY what you'll become? Well, it happened to me.
Yes dear friends. The one thing I didn't want to be I became. Not myself. Of course out of all the other things I could possibly worry about that doesn't seem to be a big deal but if you knew me, those other things don't even have a breathe in my life anymore.
I've always battled with being myself. Where to draw the line between being loud and brutally honest and being super kind and an "angel". People who know me best know that I've been on a journey of being a b****, to being loving and compassionate and trying not to hurt anyone's feelings.
And here I am now. Having grown much during this past year, learning true humanity and learning (trying to comprehend) God's love, I have realized that the true identity of Amber Torres doesn't lie within herself as she once was ignorant of the truth. But as she is now...with the working knowledge of THE TRUTH. The One from which all things are created. Learning that I am this creation for a reason and for this season and if I TRULY want to be the me to the fullest potential. I must put all other opinions and thoughts to the wayside and completely focus on what I kNOW I'm supposed to be or figure out along the way.
This is really a change for me. Being aware. That is my slogan this season. Constantly living life on purpose. Never a thought a look or anything without my filture....MY FILTURE...which God gave ME.
Sunday, June 28, 2009
HE KNOWS
Who are we to say what is right and wrong
Sin is anything against God
Do what we know what is truly against God?
Do we know what He means when He says He wants our whole heart, mind, soul and spirit?
There was nothing He left out there.
He sees all
He knows all
He is everywhere
All knowing
He sees our hearts
Our thoughts
He hears our words
He sees our looks
Our body language
Our everything
For us to tell something they are in sin and not be God is extreme.
The only way for someone to tell someone they are "living in sin"
Is if that person told you...
And by the way, we all sin right.
It doesn't make us sinners
It makes us people are still being refined by God's love
And the Holy Spirit's guidance.
We don't live in that sin that we used to
The day after day sinning with no hope
Not truly knowing who we are and where we came from
We have conviction now
We know of the ONE who loves us more then we could ever love ourselves...
HE KNOWS
Sin is anything against God
Do what we know what is truly against God?
Do we know what He means when He says He wants our whole heart, mind, soul and spirit?
There was nothing He left out there.
He sees all
He knows all
He is everywhere
All knowing
He sees our hearts
Our thoughts
He hears our words
He sees our looks
Our body language
Our everything
For us to tell something they are in sin and not be God is extreme.
The only way for someone to tell someone they are "living in sin"
Is if that person told you...
And by the way, we all sin right.
It doesn't make us sinners
It makes us people are still being refined by God's love
And the Holy Spirit's guidance.
We don't live in that sin that we used to
The day after day sinning with no hope
Not truly knowing who we are and where we came from
We have conviction now
We know of the ONE who loves us more then we could ever love ourselves...
HE KNOWS
It doesn't feel bad.
So where to begin???
I have spent the last 2 days reveling over the beauty of true love.
Of a friend, who, like myself, has never been one to LOOK for love.
A friend who I trust and respect greatly...and now she is getting married.
And for some reason, I wanted to play down my feelings about him.
And she called me on it.
Well, actually, she asked the right question.
Someone asked me, "Are you seeing seeing someone?"
And I didn't reply the way I wanted to.
The way my heart wanted.
I sounded a disappointed
I said, "Yeah, I'm talking to someone"
My heart was hurt
But I didn't know what to do
I didn't know what to say.
I talk to my friend and she said,
"Hey, you feel how you feel, don't try and hide it...it could kill"
So I'm gonna take her advice. Not everyone needs the details.
I get excited when i mention his name.
It makes me light up.
But when something isn't and I wish it were the right time.
When I don't know how to explain it...
I just want to forget it and sigh.
I don't want to explain to people
I don't want to feel bad for loving someone
I don't want to feel like my feelings are "less than"
And now I realized, I don't have to.
I can't make people understand
And I don't have to explain details to everyone who asks
I don't feel bad for something that ISN'T bad.
I have spent the last 2 days reveling over the beauty of true love.
Of a friend, who, like myself, has never been one to LOOK for love.
A friend who I trust and respect greatly...and now she is getting married.
And for some reason, I wanted to play down my feelings about him.
And she called me on it.
Well, actually, she asked the right question.
Someone asked me, "Are you seeing seeing someone?"
And I didn't reply the way I wanted to.
The way my heart wanted.
I sounded a disappointed
I said, "Yeah, I'm talking to someone"
My heart was hurt
But I didn't know what to do
I didn't know what to say.
I talk to my friend and she said,
"Hey, you feel how you feel, don't try and hide it...it could kill"
So I'm gonna take her advice. Not everyone needs the details.
I get excited when i mention his name.
It makes me light up.
But when something isn't and I wish it were the right time.
When I don't know how to explain it...
I just want to forget it and sigh.
I don't want to explain to people
I don't want to feel bad for loving someone
I don't want to feel like my feelings are "less than"
And now I realized, I don't have to.
I can't make people understand
And I don't have to explain details to everyone who asks
I don't feel bad for something that ISN'T bad.
Monday, June 15, 2009
randommmmmm
So..how do I explain this.
It can sound so wrong and people would think...
Oh, well if you're thinking that way then you obviously have a problem. When in reality, I truly believe I'm more sane than most. Anyway, don't judge lest you be judged eh?
Ive been wondering if I could be with someone else. If I could imagine my future in a different way. With someone more "expected". Someone everyone would be like, aww that is so cute and so perfect yadda yadda yadda. And I have been coming to the same conclusion every time. Don't worry, I don't this thing often but there have been times when the old Amber would have been like, wow, this guy seems really nice, cute etc. And then ponder about that for awhile. Now, it's like. soo...this guy seems really nice and I'm sure he will make a beautiful husband to someone someday, but I have something better. That's always what it is. I know i have a choice. i get to decide what to do with my life. Whether i take the easy, less fulfilled road, just because it's easy and expected, or i take the challenging, most fulfilled road possible because really, that is the only way to really live.
Some people may wonder, well, if this is so great, then why would you even question, why would you even ask yourself these questions. And i would say, because this is not going to be a walk in the park. This isn't going to be a bed of roses, champaigne, and chocolate. Yes, that stuff will be in there somewhere but that's definitely not the point. I'm on a mission. And whoever is supposed to accompany me in my mission from god is who i need. no matter what anyone else says. I trust God. I don't have to have faith in something or someone I don't completely know or who is from earth. I get to trust in the only being that ever truly cared and who's plans, ideas and thoughts are the only ones that matter;. Ive got work to do. And if i didn't have to do it alone that would be great. :) And i won't have to. I see that now. Even though that particular area seems far away, i do believe it is closer then we think. And I don't want to get surprised.
I couldn't imagine anymore. It's not happy. It always consists of me knowing what i could have had and who i could have been with if I would have fought. And that, my dears, is truth.
It can sound so wrong and people would think...
Oh, well if you're thinking that way then you obviously have a problem. When in reality, I truly believe I'm more sane than most. Anyway, don't judge lest you be judged eh?
Ive been wondering if I could be with someone else. If I could imagine my future in a different way. With someone more "expected". Someone everyone would be like, aww that is so cute and so perfect yadda yadda yadda. And I have been coming to the same conclusion every time. Don't worry, I don't this thing often but there have been times when the old Amber would have been like, wow, this guy seems really nice, cute etc. And then ponder about that for awhile. Now, it's like. soo...this guy seems really nice and I'm sure he will make a beautiful husband to someone someday, but I have something better. That's always what it is. I know i have a choice. i get to decide what to do with my life. Whether i take the easy, less fulfilled road, just because it's easy and expected, or i take the challenging, most fulfilled road possible because really, that is the only way to really live.
Some people may wonder, well, if this is so great, then why would you even question, why would you even ask yourself these questions. And i would say, because this is not going to be a walk in the park. This isn't going to be a bed of roses, champaigne, and chocolate. Yes, that stuff will be in there somewhere but that's definitely not the point. I'm on a mission. And whoever is supposed to accompany me in my mission from god is who i need. no matter what anyone else says. I trust God. I don't have to have faith in something or someone I don't completely know or who is from earth. I get to trust in the only being that ever truly cared and who's plans, ideas and thoughts are the only ones that matter;. Ive got work to do. And if i didn't have to do it alone that would be great. :) And i won't have to. I see that now. Even though that particular area seems far away, i do believe it is closer then we think. And I don't want to get surprised.
I couldn't imagine anymore. It's not happy. It always consists of me knowing what i could have had and who i could have been with if I would have fought. And that, my dears, is truth.
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