randommmmmm

So..how do I explain this.
It can sound so wrong and people would think...
Oh, well if you're thinking that way then you obviously have a problem. When in reality, I truly believe I'm more sane than most. Anyway, don't judge lest you be judged eh?

Ive been wondering if I could be with someone else. If I could imagine my future in a different way. With someone more "expected". Someone everyone would be like, aww that is so cute and so perfect yadda yadda yadda. And I have been coming to the same conclusion every time. Don't worry, I don't this thing often but there have been times when the old Amber would have been like, wow, this guy seems really nice, cute etc. And then ponder about that for awhile. Now, it's like. soo...this guy seems really nice and I'm sure he will make a beautiful husband to someone someday, but I have something better. That's always what it is. I know i have a choice. i get to decide what to do with my life. Whether i take the easy, less fulfilled road, just because it's easy and expected, or i take the challenging, most fulfilled road possible because really, that is the only way to really live.

Some people may wonder, well, if this is so great, then why would you even question, why would you even ask yourself these questions. And i would say, because this is not going to be a walk in the park. This isn't going to be a bed of roses, champaigne, and chocolate. Yes, that stuff will be in there somewhere but that's definitely not the point. I'm on a mission. And whoever is supposed to accompany me in my mission from god is who i need. no matter what anyone else says. I trust God. I don't have to have faith in something or someone I don't completely know or who is from earth. I get to trust in the only being that ever truly cared and who's plans, ideas and thoughts are the only ones that matter;. Ive got work to do. And if i didn't have to do it alone that would be great. :) And i won't have to. I see that now. Even though that particular area seems far away, i do believe it is closer then we think. And I don't want to get surprised.

I couldn't imagine anymore. It's not happy. It always consists of me knowing what i could have had and who i could have been with if I would have fought. And that, my dears, is truth.