I'm moving on now.

So...I haven't written for awhile

Actually, it's been since this last tiny almost life-changing event.

I don't really know how to deal with this.

You know in movies when something goes terribly wrong with a couple and maybe years down the road they meet again but one of them is about to get married to someone else? That's what I feel like would happen to me. Like yeah, there are plenty of nice good God loving men out there but they aren't the best.

And man, it's hard just being friends. Not because he isn't ridiculously easy to get along with and have fun with, more because sometimes I just want to snuggle up next to him or hold his hand and THAT is an impossibility. It's not going to happen. I might as well just get used to the idea that we aren't going to be together. Get over him. ANd move on.

It sounds so easy. So mapped out. My life has never been that way. It unfortunately takes me way to long to catch up with reality sometimes. Because I don't want to accept. I don't believe it's true. I feel like once I see him with a new girlfriend or married or something than I won't have a choice. That will be that. It will be the stamp on everything I had ever feared. There will be no going back. No crying for stupid girl reasons. There will be no wondering what it will be like if we were to be together.

I know it sounds ridiculous but that is what I need. I am to damn loyal. I stay for too long. Even if I am the farthest thing from the mind of the other person. And it's not fait. I'm beautiful, funny, loving, caring, sharing, Godly, spontaneous, musical, dorky, smart. But none of that matters. There are all kinds of other girls who probably think the same thing about their predicament. Why did this have to happen to me. What did I do to deserve this? Nothing. That's what. We are bystanders of life and either we choose to go with the flow or fight until it makes us drown. It's our choice.

I love my Lord. I trust Him with all my heart. It's not always easy because we so many times put how we trust people here on Him. When he isn't human. He knows whats best for me. And he knows who is best for me.

I'm moving on now.

My Ode to Frosted mini wheats

Frosted Mini-Wheats
Oh how sweet you are

Pouring you into my bowl of cold luscious milk
While you soak it up
Becoming just soft enough to not crunch

Sweet
But not too sweet
Perfect size for my mouth...
yummm...

Frosted mini-wheats
How I love thee
Let me count the ways.

Why is it...

that the people who supposed to be the ones who share the most love, are the ones who so many times, turn people away by their cold responses...?

I had this question for a long time.

I have been in the church all my life.

I've seen things and personally been through things that few know about.

If anyone had a reason to give up on people it was me.

But you know what?

People are people.

Humans are humans.

I had to learn at a young age to learn from those who hurt you and to cherish those who have and will always be there.
Not to put people on pedistals. Yes, I respect my authority and love them and pray for them. But why so many times do we get angry when maybe they aren't having a great day. Maybe they did make a bad decision or decisions. Maybe they said something off colored.

They're human.

And what's hardest is that, they are well aware of the higher standard God has placed them in. Isn't that all the more reason to have grace? Always listening to people's opinions, and worries, and complaints and everything else, day in and day out. Don't they deserve a day where they can relax?

Now please, don't think I'm saying, "well, they should have one day of the week where they can cuss and not care about anyone other than themselves." Because that's not it. All I'm trying to convey is ...

out of the number of times I've heard people leaving churches and giving up on people and love, I wonder if any of them stopped to think about talking to them. Not as a pion to a boss, but person of God, to person of God. Respect to respect.

Believe me, there have been many a time when I've been upset or downright angry about how something was going only to find out that they had no idea what was going on, or they had been going through some thick stuff and were off for a little bit. THEN I feel bad. THEN I have understanding.

But just a few seconds ago I was ready to let em' have it.

Love your authority.
Don't blame your not going to church or your relationship with God on another human being.

Don't make excuses.

I know when I go to heaven, I don't want to be like, "Well, God, if so and so hadn't done this to me, or if they would have just let me do this, I would have gotten your work done." Yeah, I don't think that would go over very well.

You have dominion. This is your life. You CHOOSE how you live it.

God told me tonight that the only thing stopping me is me.
The world is my oyster.
I just have to get out the opener and do it.

Same with you.
You LET those past things control who and what you are and aren't doing now.
Maybe not intentionally, but you are.

I have
And I work on it everyday.

I'm tired...

I'm tired of singin' this empty song
I thought I was so strong.
Oh, how wrong I was
How wrong I was
Sitting in the car crying tears...
Tears of fear

I'm tired of singin' this empty song
I'm not strong
Not strong

It's been sung too long
This damn old song

Time to sing something new
Something pretty
Something blue

Not time to sit anywhere crying tears of fear
Not time for fear

Time for something new
Something pretty
Somthing blue

How long?

Streaming sunlight on the blooming butterfly
How long before we let her fly
If we wait too long...
She'll die
Waiting to expose her wings
This blooming butterfly
How she longs to sing
Let her fly
Don't clip her wings

In control

I had a run-in with a very uninvited guest recently...

very univited.

and I had choices to make.

I could have yelled, or said something sarcastic or mean or blah blah blah...you all know what I'm talking about. When something happens and you go through the scenarios in your head and get to decide which path you will take. And if you've never thought about it this way, maybe you should try.

I have heard so many times, I couldn't help it, or I didn't have a choice. Bullll ogne. You ALWAYS have a choice. I've been learning that more and more this past year thanks to a few good friends who have brought it to my attention. You do have a choice. Try it. Even with something small. If someone says something unkind, just smile. I know it sounds retarded but after awhile you'll see how often people let their emotions control them instead of them controlling their emotions. Don't get me wrong, sometimes I do just let myself feel the way I think I should. But if it's destructive, I try and just feel it for that moment and then move on. Not letting that sink inside and linger there. Effecting the rest of my day.

I say all this because it's God. He gave us the power of choice. In everything. We can choose just about anything. Some things we wish we had a choice over, like who are, or what genes we were born with etc. but we just have to do the best with what we have and know that it is perfect. Really. I know I'm never gonna be a size 3 but you know what? I like my curves. I'm learning to be healthy and excercise which is just going to eccentuate those marvelous things even more.

Whoever reads this. Try it. And let me know how it goes :)

Learning To Be Vulnerable

So...

everyone has things that have been so much a part of them that they fail to realize they are there until a third-party lovingly and gently points them out.

This happens to me a lot, but tonight, it was a lot more than the "norm".

I was talking to a friend and she brought to my attention how I'm not vulnerable. I have my vulnerable moments when it's necessary but I don't live my life in a way that tells people "I am open".

And of course, this seemingly innate part of me has been conditioned over the years, trust people, they let you down, love people, they'll eventually not be there. Trust too much, it will come back and bite you in the butt.

This is so wrong.

I can't even begin to explain how this person, not knowing really what she was doing, or better explanation, what God was doing through her was bringing up.

I DON'T ALLOW MYSELF TO EVEN MAKE A CHANCE OF BEING HURT.

I only allow people in so far and then that's it. People have to prove themselves over years it seems that they really do love me. They may not always agree with whatever I'm telling them, but they love me regardless.

But what I want to talk about is different.

It's a lifestyle of vulnerability.
It is a commandment to love our neighbors.
Which to me, means EVERYONE.
How is it possible for me to TRULY love if I don't allow the possibility for hurt.
Because I already know people are going to let me down, and they may hurt me and and walk away and all that, it should be easy...right?
I'll get there.

Everywhere I go, I'm seen as this strong woman. Someone who has it "together". But if you know me for any length of time, you will soon see that I am as feeble as they come.
It hasn't been until this past year that I have been open to being hurt. Taking chances and following my heart and realizing that yes, crap is going to happen. But would I have given ALL of the things I learned because so and so didn't pull through? Would I have given up the love I learned to recieve and the love I learned to give just so I would be in my "bubble of safety"?

I am a woman.
Not a man.
Men by nature are meant to be strong when they don't want to, and step up when no one else has the guts to and take charge and all that.
And that is what I have been doing all my life.
When something isn't going right, I automatically take the reigns...never consicously thinking about it that way, but really just genuinely thinking that I'm helping the situation or the friend or whatever the case may be.

All my life I've had to be strong and show no weakness for the people closest to me. Always finding a way to help myself. I've had to be strong for my father, my brother, my "friends".

And never had an example of what a woman means.

Sweet but strong
Honest but kind
Loving but with true LOVE

I want that.
I want so much to be able to breathe.
To know that I DON'T have to have it all together all the time.
That I can wear dresses and heals and spend time and money on myself because in the long run, when I take that time and money and invest in ME, I will be THAT much more available and able to help and be what others need at that moment in a true light.

I looked up the definition of vulnerable on dictionary.com and this is what it says...
Main Entry: vulnerable
Part of Speech: adjective
Definition: open to attack
Synonyms: accessible, assailable, defenseless, exposed, liable, naked, on the line, on the spot, out on a limb, ready, sensitive, sitting duck, sucker, susceptible, tender, thin-skinned, unguarded, unprotected, unsafe, weak, wide open
Antonyms: closed, guarded, protected, safe, secure

Being vulnerable, by definition terms, means to be open to attack, exposed, naked, tender, unguarded...pretty much everything I have not been up to this point in my life.

Being open to attack doesn't just mean, Oh, woe is my, I'm just a poor helpless soul waiting for someone to hurt me, it means, I am OPEN to attack. But just as much as I am open to attack, on the other side of the coin, I am open to LOVE. Exposed!? Ha, never!!! lol. To convey what is truly on my heart at a moment's time? That's ludicrous!!! Unguarded?!!! You must be dreaming!

Really, that has been me in a nutshell. ALL the antoymns... closed, guarded, protects "SAFE".

But I can't live life that way. I can't view everyone as a possible attack therefore closing myself off to any possibility of the good they may bring no matter how short that time is.

If you ask anyone, they will tell you, I don't always play it safe. I like a little edge in my life. It keeps things interesting. WOW...

Maybe that's it. Instead of looking at it as oh, now I have to open myself up yadda yadda, It can be an adventure. Because I well know that all great adventures ever worth talking about or rekindling are the ones where the car breaks down and you had to walk three miles to get gas...or the person sitting next to you on an airplain was smelly and insisted on talking your ear off the whole ride, or getting lost, or falling off the bicycle when you tried something new.

If there were no mishaps in an adventure, it wouldn't be called that. There would be nothing to talk about.

That's how I will learn to view my new stage of vulnerablity. Not like a game because well, that just doesn't have a good ring to it, but oh well, going into the game knowing that right when I almost get close to the end, someone is gonna say, "sorry!", then I get mad, give them the eye and move on. Yes, life is a little more complicated than "Sorry!" but same principle.

You don't just stop playing board games all together because someone sent you back to start, you know that yes, these things happen, you recognize and move on, knowing that not all games are going to end up back at start. You don't shut yourself off from all the awesome things people are and human relationships can offer.

I am a woman.
I am vulnerable.
It isn't comfortable
It feels like itchy wool on my skin...
But eventually, I won't even think about it as, Oh, now I'm being vulnerable...
It will just ooze out of me.

Jesus was the most vulnerable.
Knowing what was going to happen he still lay himself out on the table.
He still never failed to love anyone who came His way.
Even though the closest people to Him denied Him...
He had grace and loved them anyway.

Judas betraying Jesus didn't stop Jesus from dying for me.
It gave Him all the more reason to do it.
He sweat blood.
So that my vulnerability wouldn't be pointless,
so that my opening up my soul would in the end, always be covered....
ALWAYS.
Because if I know who I am
And who I come from
And I know people
I also know that in the end, ALL THINGS WORK TOGETHER FOR GOOD.

Wow, I'm glad I took the time and wrote all this out,
if someone reads this and it helps in any way.
Please let me know.

Because I know I'm just one in billions of people who go through the same things everyday.

Learn to be vulnerable.
You know how to play the game
You know the risks that are at stake
And you know that without risks, there is really nothing worth being at stake for!