I'm moving on now.

So...I haven't written for awhile

Actually, it's been since this last tiny almost life-changing event.

I don't really know how to deal with this.

You know in movies when something goes terribly wrong with a couple and maybe years down the road they meet again but one of them is about to get married to someone else? That's what I feel like would happen to me. Like yeah, there are plenty of nice good God loving men out there but they aren't the best.

And man, it's hard just being friends. Not because he isn't ridiculously easy to get along with and have fun with, more because sometimes I just want to snuggle up next to him or hold his hand and THAT is an impossibility. It's not going to happen. I might as well just get used to the idea that we aren't going to be together. Get over him. ANd move on.

It sounds so easy. So mapped out. My life has never been that way. It unfortunately takes me way to long to catch up with reality sometimes. Because I don't want to accept. I don't believe it's true. I feel like once I see him with a new girlfriend or married or something than I won't have a choice. That will be that. It will be the stamp on everything I had ever feared. There will be no going back. No crying for stupid girl reasons. There will be no wondering what it will be like if we were to be together.

I know it sounds ridiculous but that is what I need. I am to damn loyal. I stay for too long. Even if I am the farthest thing from the mind of the other person. And it's not fait. I'm beautiful, funny, loving, caring, sharing, Godly, spontaneous, musical, dorky, smart. But none of that matters. There are all kinds of other girls who probably think the same thing about their predicament. Why did this have to happen to me. What did I do to deserve this? Nothing. That's what. We are bystanders of life and either we choose to go with the flow or fight until it makes us drown. It's our choice.

I love my Lord. I trust Him with all my heart. It's not always easy because we so many times put how we trust people here on Him. When he isn't human. He knows whats best for me. And he knows who is best for me.

I'm moving on now.