Rollercoaster

This month has been a rollercoaster. Emotional ups and downs. Spiritual ups and downs. Not God's fault at all. Even though I have been taking it out on him unknowingly for awhile.

I've been hurt.
And I feel like I've been lied to and forgotten but someone who meant so much to me who I never thought would do something like that. But isn't that how it usually goes. I know everyone has their reasons and there are two sides to every story.

I realized that because of what happened I looked at God and said, "Why would you show me all this and have me write so much and all this if it were going to be like this?" And that's when it hit me. It has nothing to do with God doing anything or doing nothing. It has directly to do with the ability to choose. God many times has had a direct and divine plan for me and I WAS THE ONE who decided to veer off. It doesn't mean God didn't use that time and that desert place to mold me and to teach me lessons, because that isn't how God gets down; but it means I just have to find the divine place again.

I can say I've been angry, confused, hurt, sad, angry again, confused again, and then after awhile...I realize that no matter how I feel or how rightful my feelings may be. That's not going to change the situation.

I'm not going to let the enemy use this incident to distance me anymore from my heavenly Father. I will love this person with the love of God. That's all I can do. I don't hate him. I don't wish any ill will on him. I never have and never will. I've always wanted him to be happy. I just hope next time he tells a girl he loves her that he won't freak out and run away.

I always knew it wasn't the right time.

And now I can, like I'm always used to. Be Amber and do God's will. With many lessons learned and people I love. I don't hate people anymore and I'm not bitter with the church. That's a huge leap from where I was. Haha. So kudos to me for learning some lessons. :)

And p.s.
I have a lot of questions for God when I get up there. Or maybe...it will so beautiful, it won't even matter what happened because it will be so glorious and all I'll want to do is worship the Father. :) I'm guessing the latter .