October 5, 2015

I don't quite have a title for this post mostly because I haven't yet decided what I'm going to put in it. There is so much...

Over the last 2 months I've been introduced (as you can see from my previous post) to a group of people who are not just having a "Bible study" but actually own and USE dictionaries, concordances, commentaries etc. Why is this important? Well, because we come from an Americanized mindset and don't have all the facts or knowledge to always properly breakdown scripture. We are not scholars in Latin or Hebrew nor do we have the word bank that the writers of the Bible had nor the proper context. It really is beautiful and I've grown so much in such a short time. Thank you Lord.

In the middle of all this change in my life, I've had the privilege of meeting up with a friend to start praying. When we started it was mostly listening to sermons and worship music and just basking in the presence of the Lord and feeling His broken heart for the people and also feeling His love. It one day turned into a, "Hey, we should start praying during the week." So we did. We had no idea what we were doing except that we wanted to seek His face and only do what He wanted us to do and pray the way He would want us to pray. So again, we spend time in the word and we would walk around Palmdale and pray in the Spirit or talk or both and then get the Word out. We began understanding that the purpose of our praying was to begin breaking down and soaking the atmosphere with the Word of God and calling out the demonic strongholds that are over this Antelope Valley. We soon realized that we needed a battle plan but didn't know what that would look like and to be quite honest, are still in process. My prayer partner had the idea of learning how to pray straight from the Bible. Now I know this would seem like a DUH moment, but when you've heard so many people pray or THINK you know, going back to the root and the Son of God Himself is the ONLY place to start a foundation.

I feel like that's what is happening. A foundation of something that will last far beyond me or my prayer partner. That our names would be forgotten and only the name of Jesus would remain after we are gone. This place that has been called barren, the armpit of California, the black hole, a wasteland and one of our cities, Lancaster as the #1 most stressful city in California with Palmdale being #5 will be called a place where the Spirit of God dwells. A place people go to find peace and rest in the one true God. It will become an Oasis for anyone who is spiritually dry to come drink from the fountain of Living Water.

That is what we are asking God for. We are asking God for THIS land. For THESE people. Right NOW. It has already begun.

I've been a part of UYA or United Young Adults for the past 2 months and started going to the prayer before service and have already seen a drastic change in the format and focus of the sermons and services. Last night there were two speakers I know are seekers of God and the sermon was truth spoken in love and they prayed for the infilling of the Holy Spirit to empower those who already had a relationship with Christ.

That is the first time in I don't know how many years I've seen it. It wasn't this crazy rolling around emotional moment but a sweet, sincere answer to the call of becoming ambassadors of Christ. I just prayed and sat in awe of what was happening right before my eyes. The little prayers of us as individuals, the consistency and steadfastness to not let go of this vision until it comes to fruition was barely even touching the surface in this church service. I sat with my friend and said, "This is it, this is how it starts."

Now we need to keep praying, keep seeking, keep yearning and learning or else this will be just another flicker of a flame and then die out like all the rest. We will not give in and we will not give up. This is only the beginning. I already understand that it won't be easy and that there will be many obstacles, the years of death that has been spoken over this place and the people in it and our own flesh getting in the way of what God is wanting to do.

Well, it's been a long time...

So it's the middle of August 2015 and after logging back in I realized how long it's been since I last posted! Kind of an update (in case you care), I am single again and the Lord is so good. I won't go through all the details of that crazy train I was on but let's just say I'm in a MUCH better place now surrounded by people who see gold in me and me in them. I'm actually around like-minded people now...what?! Yeah, I'm not the weirdo who thinks Christian philosophy or learning about the Bible is weird, the Lord brought those people straight to me. I am so blessed.

There is always this picture my mom gives to me. We are always holding onto this ragged teddy bear because it's cozy, comfortable and it's been there for so long we don't know what we would do without it. But here comes Jesus, and He has a HUGE teddy bear, you know the kind, the giant one every girl wants her man to win for her. :) But the only way we will get that giant teddy bear is if we give up the comfortable one we have. We can't see what Jesus is holding for us but it's the faith and trust to know that He is always good that will hopefully eventually win us over into giving that up.

I gave up my old teddy bear and am now slowly starting to embrace a giant overly stuffed, soft as can be teddy bear and I'm loving every second of it. I am still healing from the hurt and insecurities I carried with the last bear but God is so patient that He just keeps being there no matter what. Insecurities and fear come from a place of imperfect love and if I continue to stay in the perfect love of Christ, eventually all those things I started dragging with me along the way will start to drop off. :)

I am blessed. I am joyful. I am ready to embrace the giant teddy bear.

Revival

These thoughts are just things that have been on my heart and I thought maybe I'm not the only one who's dealt with or dealing with this. 
I keep reading about everyone talking about "revival revival is coming revival is coming, Lord bring revival". To be quite honest I was irritated. You have to understand, I've been hearing about revival since I was a little girl. It was in worship songs, sermons, prayer meetings...everything.

This morning, all I could think about was revival. What does it really mean? And in all of the "famous" revivals what were the common factors? The first one I thought of was the Azusa Street Revival. I had read about the miracles and how different denominations had branched from there but never knew exactly how it started. It turns out, it was started by a black preacher named J. Seymour and started just meeting in homes. When they had gotten too full, they were able to move to 312 Azusa St. All nationalities were coming, whites, hispanics, asians...and all different religious backgrounds could be found in the congregation because of the what the Holy Spirit was doing.

This was NEW NEWS to me! Funny how when we only believe what people want to tell us how much gets left out. I was so excited. There was so much Holy Spirit moving that local journalists would attend the meetings/services and write articles about what was going on. One observer said, "No instruments of music are used. None are needed. No choir- the angels have been heard by some in the spirit. No collections are taken. No bills have been posted to advertise the meetings. No church organization is back of it. All who are in touch with God realize as soon as they enter the meetings that the Holy Ghost is the leader."

Now I understand that at this point people will be saying, "God is a God of order....etc." And I COMPLETELY AGREE with you. What I find fascinating is that the preacher (at least from the different sources I've read), didn't have any agenda other than to bring the power of the Holy Spirit and lead people to the love of Jesus. Seymour even told his congregation, "Do not talk about the gift the tongues but talk about Jesus." That's it.

Now I know there are always things that are hidden and whatnot but I'm looking at this purely through the fruit it produced.

I could talk about this much longer but I'll save you my rant. (Ok maybe just a little more) I truly believe we need to BE REVIVAL and stop waiting for some sort of lighting from Heaven. God uses the hands and feet of His people to get things done. If we keep asking for revival when we are at church but are living our daily lives contrary to that asking then what good are we really? The whole purpose of revival is to renew, refresh, to bring life. If we are expecting the miraculous power of God to move shouldn't it start with our daily lives? Shouldn't we be looking in the mirror and asking God to revive US? Because let me tell you something, when YOU are revived and on fire for God, you can't help but glow to those outside. They don't know what it is that's different about you but YOU do. I truly believe that when we as believers decide to make a radical change in OUR own lives, the overflow with leak from us to the people we come into contact with and THAT is when revival will happen. That is when God will say, "Ok, let's do this". We aren't waiting on God, He is waiting on us. Christians who have been christians for years but have lost the flame will again find their First Love. The churches will be filled with Spirit-filled people of God who don't want to change the world because they are "supposed to" but because the love of God and His spirit are so beautiful and amazing that they can't help but want to BE the good news. We need to stop expecting God to do everything for us and take our authority in Christ seriously and realize our identity in Him. God is about taking us from the scum of the earth, loving us unconditionally sooooo much that we can't help but love Him and obey in return, us be filled with sooooo much genuine love that it pours out on others and so the cycle continues.

"'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind'; and, 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'" Jesus really made it simple, people. We are the ones who make it complicated.

Feb 8th 2014

Here's the thing about going on your own. The moment my heart decided to leave my family and pursue God with Adam was one of the scariest moments of my life. Not because of Adam or because I don't trust him but because of me. Because whether I like it or not, I am and always have been prone to become a wallflower for protection. Blending in with those around me so as to not cause problems or draw too much attention to myself. This has been an issue for me my whole life. The only thing God asked me to do was to, "be myself". At the time I thought, "Ok, sounds easy enough." but it wasn't and still isn't. When you truly decide to follow the path God has for you and say "Screw you", to anyone who tells you it has to look a certain way.... it's well....hard. This is the journey I am embarking on at the moment. From the moment I started dating my boyfriend, everything around me went into a tizzy. Everything. My situation with my family and church, the way I viewed Christians, the way I viewed those less fortunate than myself, the way viewed myself... the way I related to people. Before Adam I thought that God's plan would involve the approval of all parties involved. And the truth is, that is a lie. God's plan most times will go against the grain of the religious and the prideful. They will not be able to make sense as to why I am leaving, or why I'm with Adam but that doesn't matter. And deep down I've known this but now that the Lord has made it clear, I'm much more confident.

So it's December 2nd 2013

My oh my how things have drastically transitioned in my life. I have had a boyfriend going on 6 months tomorrow, I have a new job that I absolutely love and will only grow in, I am closer to my dad than ever, I have a new church family, I am editing articles and having Thanksgiving parties, I found someone I wasn't sure I would, and my life is moving forward. Yes, I have had a rough go at it for the past few months. My family thinking that being controlling or disapproving would keep me safe when all it really did was make me sad and feeling as though I were a rabbit in a cage. Leaving a job I'd had for over a year and a half. Becoming my own person again. Loving a man who although God put in my life, hasn't always been easy. But really, what true love is always easy. Even the crazy fairytales have something horrible to overcome before they are together. I am working at a school as a science facilitator and didn't even apply for that position. I am becoming a woman. A God-fearing, people loving, truth telling, grace giving woman. 

If it weren't for the challenges in my life this year and choosing to overcome them with love and God's peace. I would not be where I am today. I would still be at a church where yes, of course they love the Lord and I love all the kids and everybody there, but it was a family business. I could only grow so much there. If it wasn't for applying for a job I didn't think I had a chance at and being confident in who I am, I wouldn't have the job I have. Well geeze, if I wouldn't have taken the math class in fall and spring and passed it I wouldn't have met my boyfriend nor would I have this job.

There is so much to be thankful for. I can see how God places people in each of our lives and how if we just follow His guide and follow the prompting of the Holy Spirit that amazing things will unfold in our lives. AMAZING things. I look at where I am now and I'm in awe. I got myself out of a big debt problem with a student loan so now I'm in the good zone so if I need other financial help, I can get it. I have been able to pay rent, pay off parking tickets and my registration on one paycheck. I have been honored to keep my peace in places and with people who are constantly sucking the energy and life out of others. God has given me so many gifts. I don't say that lightly or heightly. I say it because I know I have a responsibility to love. To love people into the Kingdom of God. I know there are people who are missionaries, who can preach a good sermon, who always TALK about Jesus all the time and yes the Lord uses them. But God has given me the gift of LOVE and COMPASSION. I know what it's like to live with hypocrites, I know what it's like to be abandoned, I know what it's like to feel like you're DOING all the RIGHT things but you don't see the favor of God on your life. But it's not about doing anything at all! It's about being in line with the Lord and seeking Him truly. Then He will line you up with where you are supposed to be and then your inpouring will eventually become outpouring. And I love Him for that. Well, of course there are many many things I love about my Lord but that is just one of them. There are 30 days in December and I plan on making them the best 30 days ever. 

To anyone who reads this, I want you to know...there is hope. There is someone that even though you haven't seen Him or maybe you don't even think you feel Him or maybe you believe He exists. He does. And He loves you more than you could ever imagine. If you think I'm lying, that's ok. You're hurt. People have done so much wrong to you it's easier to have the walls up and stay guarded. At least that's what you think. It will work for awhile but then being guarded all the time becomes tiring and depressing. Ask God the hard questions, He's not afraid of your doubt or anger. He welcomes it. That's where the healing lies.

Recent events

So, I'm no longer the worship leader of Templo El Oasis Foursquare Church English Service.
And it's been that way since August.

It's funny how people who have known you there whole life can know so little about your personality. But in all fairness, it's all I've shown them. I have been going to practice, and showing up EVERY Sunday morning at 7:30 since January. I love leading people into the presence of God. I truly do. When I'm there, nothing else matters. Time, space, attitudes, fears, insecurities....they all melt away when I raise my hands and my voice to the One who made me and for the Son who saved me.

Because of the largest of misunderstandings I have ever been a part of in my life, that position was taken away from me. Not because of a tangible thing. Sex, drugs, partying etc. But because of a judgment call that was made in the midst of emotions on something they could not put their finger on. I was willing to stay at the Church because if anyone knows me AT ALL, they know that I will be just as loud and boisterous whether I'm on a stage or not. It doesn't matter to me. I didn't leave because a position was taken away, I left because the manner in which things were handled were so angry and vile that for me to continue as if everything was fine and dandy wasn't possible. And because the church IS my family and so small, there was so way to just show up and be a part of the service without there being more problems.

So I left. I didn't intend on it. I didn't plan it. And I most definitely did not plan on it happening the way it did but it did. It was heart wrenching for a good while. For Sundays after that, I would cry because I knew I wasn't going to do what my heart loved. That things would never be the same. That there are kids whom I loved who were going to get the crap end of the stick because of what happened. It felt like a divorce. The kids always suffer.

I went to the boy's church for awhile. It was nice to not know anybody and to just blend in but quickly I realized it wasn't for me. It's for a lot of other people which is fine and no judgment call here but I needed something else. I definitely didn't expect to find it at a church my dad had just started leading worship at called, "The Connection".

Now I'm helping my dad's wife with the coffee and bagels in the morning before and after service and sing with my dad and his band occasionally when they ask or need me. That's about all the ministry I've been able to muster. I know the Lord has divine plans that I can't see but I'm glad that I am where I am. I am my own person. No one else's.

FAVOR.

Let's catch up.

God is amazing.

About a month and a half ago I literally spent a week only focusing on finding a new job. The Avenue has been great to me and I've met some amazing people but the inconsistency of hours and the minimum pay for extra work wasn't working for me. I got fed up. So I spent countless hours filling out online job applications, sending resumes and going to interviews. The boy gave me the idea for trying out the school district but I've always heard how hard it was to get into that I had my doubts. I applied for a campus monitor position at a Charter school (which I had never heard of). I didn't even know what the position actually meant let alone what God was doing.

I went in for the interview and as soon as I walked in it felt different. I felt at home. And I felt needed. The lady interviewing me saw that I had my AS and asked if I would be interested in teaching a Jr. High Science Enrichment class. I'm pretty sure my mouth dropped open. Me? Teaching Jr. High SCIENCE class? I mean, I've always liked science and wasn't half bad at it but it's been so long since I've focused on it. I was very clear with her that the only teaching experience I had was with church kids and tutoring and she was like, "ok".

It was 6 days after my interview that I got an official letter of an employment offer for BOTH jobs!! I jumped up and down like a little kid and didn't remember the last time I was so excited!! So then, I had to do a LIVESCAN background check to make sure I'm all good but it costs $55. Funny story, on the same day, I realized that the money I usually have in the bank to pay for my school loan was still in there so I called the company. They then informed me that I had paid my payments needed to get my loan in good standing and that they wouldn't be taking any more payments from me! I was like, "What?!!" I was so proud of myself. I finally finished something. My life is moving forward. So the money I was going to have to put out for the loan I was able to use for the background check!

So from a girl who was working 8 hours a week for minimum wage to 19 hours with 2 different job descriptions and one paying twice as much as the other while being able to do what she was made for is something so hard to describe. Like, I want to tell more people but I feel like it would be prideful. But in the same instant, I know it wasn't me. I showed up. Did the work and God opened the doors and gave me favor in a place that isn't just a place to work but a family trying to educate the lives of young ones.

There has been so much that has happened. I am in a writing mood so maybe I'll do another blog after this lol