2020 in one post.

 Well, somehow I managed to log back into an account that I haven't logged into for almost 4 years and wow, more than a lot has happened. I'm married to the love of my life. We adopted a dog, I'm working at a lawn equipment repair shop AND we're in a stretch of something called COVID 19. Lockdowns started pretty much the weekend of my birthday this year and we've been wearing masks in public ever since. People have lost lives, lost businesses, lost a norm that many aren't quite sure will ever come back. Thank God, Sammy and I have both kept jobs and even worked extra. Travel plans have definitely changed and I haven't gotten to see my family in California but I know it's for the best. We're still in the middle of it but there is a vaccine now and God has kept us. Oh, and I haven't even mentioned the CRAZIEST Presidential election I've ever seen. So much divisiveness even within my own family. People are still contesting who won. It was too much and I've been off of social media beside YouTube for a couple of months now. I know I'll eventually go back but I needed a break. I know this post doesn't have proper thoughts all fleshed out but well... welcome to 2020. 

What do I expect for 2021? I don't really know but I do know that I'm excited for whatever comes because my life is in God's hands and who else better? Oh and I'll be 34 next year. 

Things I've learned:

1. My  new favorite nail polish brand.

2. That as much as I like the idea of blonde hair, this dark hair is constantly at war with it. We'll see what 2021 brings.

3. That having a dog is a beautiful responsibility.

4. More Spanish.

5. That sometimes listening to the Bible is easier to process than reading it.

6. That although few and far between, I will find people who believe in me; sometimes more than I believe in myself.

7. That having a business is something I may one day have on a steady basis but after making this banner today, I think I need to just create art with no agenda. 

8. Just because I'm not leading worship in the traditional sense that I've done all my life doesn't mean my life isn't worship and that God and the angels don't listen when I worship alone. 

9. That being married is an ongoing journey that gets sweeter with time.

10. Life is short. Always leave people better than you found them. 

On the eve of my 30th Birthday and against my better judgment...

Well, today is my last day of being in my 20’s…

What have I learned? A lot.

I’ve learned that people will come and go and how not too be too harsh on any one person because everyone is doing the best they know how. I’ve learned that as much as I thought I was lost and didn’t know what I was supposed to be doing, it’s been in me before I was born because that’s the way God does things. I’ve learned that I am different. That the way I choose to live my life isn’t the way most others I know have chosen and I am content with that. I’ve learned that a good credit score is important and to keep in contact with old landlords so you can get the apartment you actually want. I’ve learned that talking less and listening more is truly my favorite thing. I really do love listening to people talk about what they are passionate about and/or what is hurting them. I’ve learned that the devil will use the people closest to you to create the most amount of chaos. I’ve learned that saying, “I’m sorry” even though I may not have been in the wrong and truly meaning it is better than carrying on some weird unspoken energy that creates more problems and misunderstandings than it’s worth. I’ve learned how to shut my mouth when I feel like I have every right to vindicate myself and prove that I am but by the awesome power of the Holy Spirit…don’t. I’ve learned what I want out of life and that no one is going to make that happen for me and that nothing happens overnight. I’ve learned that I want my life to be marked by kindness and truth. That’s the legacy I want to leave. I’ve learned that every day I get to see children and make a positive influence in their life when their mom is going to jail for doing drugs and won’t see them for a year. I’ve learned that I’m not here to get better at anything for Amber but to fulfill the plan God has set before me. I’ve learned that this walk is straight and narrow and many people don’t want to walk it. Everyone wants to talk about it but when push comes to shove and the real work has to start, no one wants to be there. I’ve learned that I’m not a good friend. I don’t keep in touch, I have every means to and could make the time but I don’t. And I have yet to really find out the truth of why. I’ve learned that my life makes noise. But I want my life to make good noise. The noise that disrupts darkness and pauses the energies of those who would knowingly or unknowingly try to bring something else. I’ve learned A LOT about love and loss. I’ve loved much and I’ve lost much but I wouldn’t change anything. The kind of lover I am now because of what I’ve learned and the traps I’ve let myself get caught in have created a new awareness of me. I am sensitive. I am empathetic. I feel everything. My greatest desire is to leave any situation better than when I came into it. Especially with people. 

Relationships…

I’ve learned that I cannot fix anyone. Only the Holy Spirit can do that. And I’ve learned that it’s exhausting trying to fix someone and that I don’t have the energy to put out any more to do so. I’ve learned that not everyone needs to know every facet of every part of my life to be honest and true. Ive learned that laughing is my favorite and that it can instantly change the mood of a room or a person. I’ve learned that yes, I am a coffee snob but because regular type folk are mere mortals and can’t always have my perfectly temped caramel macchiato waiting for me, I’ve learned to deal. (Joking but…not?)

I’ve learned that peace is something nothing can buy and truly no one can bring except Jesus Christ. That Jesus has to be the center of it all or else the all quickly collapses into a very dark oblivion. I’ve learned that I love Asian food best and that I’m not going to give up my culture just because I live in a place or with people who don’t understand why I do the things I do. I’ve learned that I’m not the neatest person on earth or probably even on the block but that my organized chaos is good enough for me and I take care of things when I need to. I’ve learned to stop ignoring my gifts that God has given me because if I’m here to bring truth and kindness to people and they feel that when I play or sing, why would I NOT do that. I’ve learned that I can overlook  A LOT of faults for a person who is genuinely authentic, kind, loving, raw and seeking God’s face. I’ve learned that Zumba is not a thing God wants me to spend my excess time in, meaning to make money. (This is something I've gone back and forth with for a few years.) I’ve learned that curly hair is my favorite and that as much as I love red hair, it isn’t something in the cards and I’m learning to be OK with that. I’ve learned that I love children. Young people in general. I’ve learned that they like me too for the most part, although there are always exceptions. I’ve learned that I really enjoy tutoring. I don’t know if I like it better than teaching a full classroom but I do enjoy the instant gratification of when the light bulb turns on for a kid who has really had a hard time learning something. I’ve learned that I like being on time. I’ve learned that respecting others’ time is very important because it is finite and you can never get it back.

I’m still learning how to take things slowly. To be patient. To not avoid people. To be totally honest when I know it will bring conflict. I’m still learning sooo much. THAT list could go on forever.

Almost so long, 20’s. Hello, thrilling 30’s.

I'm actually excited...

On this fine evening, the 30th of December 2016, the Eve Eve of the New Year I thought I'd share my outing today. I found recipes for the Mediterranean diet including some of my FAVORITE greek foods including: garlic spread, pita bread, chicken kabobs, brown rice, hummus... I am beyond excited because I will get to once again eat the way my body enjoys and be mentally healthy again. Ok, I wasn't super mentally unstable but I was definitely getting there. Working as a lunch lady does NOTHING for one's health goals. (Believe me, I was in it for 6 months) Anywho, I also acquired some containers for my wares and I can't wait to start cooking again and try new things. I'm going to purchase some cd's tomorrow to burn for my Zumba music and maybe a small cd player so I can start rehearsing my dances for classes I want to start teaching. Well, that is the excited for the evening. P.S. the latest Star Trek movie was AMAZINGGGG!!! I think it was, "Beyond", and that my friends, it truly was.

Goodnight interweb.

2017 New Year's Resolutions...

Yes, so I am the typical cynically minded person who doesn't partake in New Year's Resolutions but my boyfriend took the "hype" out of it and well, here I am about to publicly post them so that in a year from now, I can have evidence of what I wrote down and I suppose the interweb public to keep me accountable (for whatever that is worth).

1. Finish writing a song, completely.
2. Create a reading list for the year and complete it.
3. Workout and eat healthy like I love my body.
4. Blog every day.
5. Finish the Bible in a year.
6. Dedicate myself to piano/vox
7. Run a fun 5k


These are all I have for now, I suppose I can edit this later :)

Something different

There's something different about you. I know I've said it before about different people and the truth is that everyone is different from the everyone else but... truly. There is so much mystery about you that I get to peek into every time we spend time together and it never ceases to amaze me the beautiful soul you are. You sense my hesitation and are bothered by it. But you see, if you only knew my past and where I've come from. The boys I've dealt with. The struggle of being fine with just being me. I know it sounds cliche but I am an adapter. I would never think to admit it in the past but I can now and it has freed me. God is using you to free me. Your existence in my life is freeing me to slowly understand that there is someone who will genuinely, authentically care for me as I am and love in despite of and in spite of my baggage. Being with you has made me want to be the best version of me. Not because I feel like I need to change but because with you I feel like I can be the greatest version of myself and you would never flinch your devotion. My worries have never truly been that I wouldn't be good enough, it was always that if I wholly devoted myself to the things I love most, that everyone would think that I am too much. (As if they didn't already) That my successes and promotions from God in this life would be emasculating to whoever I was with. This was my history. And I had resigned myself to the fact that in order to be with someone, I would never reach my full potential, and you've proved me wrong. Thank you.

Create

Creation
Isn't it something strange that we are created things that have the ability to create something out of nothing except a picture, or idea in our brain? Creating. I want to create beautlifully raw, authentic, thought-provoking, brain stretching things. I don't know if that will be through music, poems, art, writing or any of the other countless things people choose to express themselves through and with. This election has united a new violent front of people who will now go and even be more in force than they were before. That's what adversity usually does. If something doesn't work out, especially somethin ghuge like this, it will either cause people to give up, become violent or be more passionate about their causes. That is something I want the church to find again. Before the presidency I hadn't seen so many people fasting and praying for the future of this nation and now that we got the desired result, I fear that the apathy may come back and now is just the beginning. We can't stoppursuing and being active in prayer and community and in spenind time with the Lord.

I want to create something or a series of somethings that people who don't know Christ can look at or listen to and respect it. Ask me questions and open doors for me to show them the truth and love of Jesus Christ. Because the world has no fear or inhibitions in what they do and are praised for it. I want praise only from my heavenly Father fand through that the people will be ministered to.

Ok, late night/early morning thoughts on 11/13/16 complete

Phew

There's something about the way you look at me. I don't know if I've seen that look before. Never has there been someone with no physical motive to care about me and be attracted to all the facets of my personality at one time. Is that what that look looks like? It's beautiful! I kinda sly away from it because it's so foreign and I'm afraid that if I look too long that it will disappear just like all of my favorite specialty drinks or foods at my favorite restaurant. I push you away. I think I hear one thing and I'm so confused sometimes and you just take it all in stride and never get angry, raise your voice or even make me feel like I'm being too emotional. You accept it, take it all in and even say that it's ok! What? It's ok for me to come into my fullness as a woman and feel things? Wait, not just feel them but express them in ways I don't even understand? There's got to be a shoe dropping around here somewhere. Well, I wouldn't call it a shoe dropping but I will say that with all your beauty, empathy, and compassion comes your humanity as well. This obsession I'm having over your humanity and whether or not it's something I can or want to deal with is something I can only describe as, "A sad bi-product of seeing the best in too many people only to find out they had no intention of seeing it themselves." The pressure and secret whispers I imagine from my family, friends and others are always there to taunt me and make me feel like I'm doing something wrong. Seeing the wrong person. And I guess after all these years I kind of did start to believe that what I wanted looked a certain kind of way but when I get a glimpse into what that looks like, I can't stand it. It's a beautiful thing and there are relationships that are made for the loud public arena with his face being seen by many but is that what I want? I've lived that life. The life under the microscope. The granddaughter of so and so and the daughter of the music minister. I just want to be the wife to the man God has made me the perfect help mate for. The man who will make me more like Christ in all the easy lovin' and tough lovin' type of ways. A man who feels like home when I'm overwhelmed and want to hide in the corner and cry. A man who loves God so much that He fears Him and cherishes me because I am a daughter of the King. A compassionate man. A soulful man. An artist. A man of God.