Oh those songs...

Why is it that when something new in life comes, so does a flood of old memories that you thought were long gone? Memories that were so dusty you thought they would never re-surface. 

One song. That's all it takes. One song to bring a flood of tears back. A part of you wants to be angry. Angry that one moment you were fine and the next you are right back where you were years ago. It shouldn't be that way. You are in a different place right? This is different right? Yes. We just have to re-train our brains. Re-train our memories to certain songs. For me a certain band for years I couldn't listen to because it would make me instantly cry. Now, I listen to it and remember a young, idealistic, romantic girl who had stars in her eyes and a sway in her body that she thought no one could take away. And I smile at that girl. Smile because someday she might come back. This time, a little more earth bound but definitely mored learned. I thank God for those things that made me who I am. Those heartbreaks and songs that remind me of how far I've come. 

I just wish it didn't happen out of nowhere. 

August 2nd

I always thought I was an easy going romantic.
It turns out I was wrong
I am quite the pessimist. The critic. The one who is waiting for the shoe to drop.
Well... the shoes have already dropped so things can only get better from here.
And they are.
I can't explain what this is
But as my good friend would say, "Amber, it's not about thinking. It's about feeling."
I am not good at "feeling"
I have been raised to be independent.
To take care of everything myself
Of course beside the occasional need of money.
The good thing was that it taught me to be completely reliant on God.
That no matter who was or wasn't in my life, He was always there and would always be there.
That is something no one can do for me. Everyone fails in one way or the other. Not Him.
But now, I find myself wanting to slowly lean on an earthly man and it freaks me out. He actually wants to take care of me. Make sure I'm smiling and happy. Who can tell when I'm about to cry and encourages it because he knows that it cleans me out. Because he knows that I always have to be strong for everyone else and that's what causes me to build my walls. I'm slowly starting to understand why God made men and women to be together. To be partners. But not just partners like the Disney movies but like partners that are constantly challenging and loving each other to be better people. Not always seeing eye to eye on everything but having discussions and hearing each other out about whatever it is you are talking about. Every day I'm learning a little more not just about myself but about how much God loves humans and about mankind.

Amongst the other thousands of things I can't explain...

So there is this person. He literally came out of nowhere. There is so much to say but I don't even know where to begin. So I will write about how these questions keep popping up into my head and I keep wanting to run away but something keeps telling me to stay put. To wait it out. To see what happens next. Because if this thing is real, if this is something that they write books and movies about then we will definitely have an epic story and God will be the writer of it. If it is a farce then it will just be another reason why I have walls of epic proportions up and I will be justified. We are completely opposite in every way. From the way we like our peanut butter to movies we love. Even though we can agree in that department sometimes. We are totally different. But in little things we are the same. But I have to say, it's nice for a change because I'm so extreme in who I am and so is this person that it makes life quite exciting and interesting because unlike most people who I can figure out, he is like a puzzle to me. Which is escheating in some aspects and terrifying in others because I don't know what's going on in that head of his. He is more honest than I'd like him to be sometimes but that's what I've always wanted. There is so much to say but I know this is only the beginning. For once I'm starting something the right way and with someone who is actually willing to put up a fight for me. Who thinks I'm worthy of pursuing. It's so crazy and so foreign. Actually being the one a guy wants above every other girl. So I guess we shall see. Only God knows the next chapter and He's taken care of me this far so I really have to need to doubt Him now. Thank you Lord for always protecting me and bringing this person into my life. For whatever reason You brought him in. Thank You.

Until next time blogspot

On the brain.

Beauty
The 6 letter word that haunts a girl from the time she can remember
Daddy, am I pretty? Daddy look at me twirl!
Our hair, our clothes, our weight, our teeth, our skin, our thighs, our butts, our arms, our stomachs, hair on our legs, our faces, our armits...

So many things...
No wonder I didn't want to bother with it until I was 17. It's like I knew I would spend the rest of my life no matter how confident I seemed to others, always wondering if I was pretty. Of course your mind tells you the truth. That there will always be someone prettier, skinner, with better skin, better hair, better teeth. But you want to be the best version of yourself right? That's the next best option. I mean, unless you have thousands of dollars to spend on things that God granted you with or didn't grant you with. For me, the things that I would like to be different I can work on. And for me, it's starting with health from the inside out. I'm not afraid to be pretty anymore. Yes, it takes effort and work and time but I actually like being confident with myself. And knowing that someone will always be better leaves me room to be me. Amber.

I hope whoever my husband is, he meets me with a ponytail and no makeup on. Pumping gas at the gas station or getting groceries late at night because I forgot to go after work. Out from the gym getting makeup remover and a new nail polish that strikes my fancy.

But who the heck knows right?

There are things I can't change. And I'm totally ok with that. My curly hair, the way I'm shaped, the marks on my face, the ways my knees buckle... so many things. But I love them. They make me me. If God wanted me to be a stick He would have done so, so He didn't. And I know if I appreciate my quirks, someone else will too :)

I wish I could tell girls that beauty really does genuinely start on the inside. Yes, there are those girls who are just born with freakazoid u and come out looking like a supermodel but for the rest of us. For the 98% of the female population, we need to own who we are. Being the healthiest versions of ourselves we can be. Not just physically but mentally and spiritually as well. There are girls I know with average looks but get all kinds of guys because they totally own who they are and don't try to be anyone else and that attracts men. Confidence is sexy. It's like a magnet. And most times we don't even know we're doing it. And that's when you know you're doing it right. Being you.

Ahhh....

there's that familiar feeling again. The feeling of being an outsider in your own circle. But this time it's different. I know it's my own doing. Well, at least most of the time. There's times when I'm around someone and I can't put my finger on as to why I'm feeling how I'm feeling. It really bothers me because it really happens at the most inopportune times. And I feel bad because I want to change it but I don't know how. And if anything has been a huge lesson this year, it's been to trust in God and trust that He is in me. There are so many doors that have opened not because I pushed them open but because I did what was in my heart. What the Lord put in my heart and He opened them for me. All I had to do was walk in. Anyway, back to the feeling. I don't know how to explain it. When I'm at church leading worship, it's just me and God. I look at the people but I don't base how "successful" worship is by their reaction. And when the Lord gives me a song or a prophetic word, I sing it or say it in this flow that I can't really explain. Like I'm in an ocean and when the tide starts to change i listen to make sure I change with it. Granted, I don't always listen very well. Heck, I'm glad when I DO listen well. But it doesn't shock me like it used to. It doesn't surprise me the way it used to. Now let me explain. I have been tinkering in the prophetic since I was 14. Didn't know what it was but over the years, I have been blessed to know people and listen to worship leaders and preachers who have helped shape my prophetic calling. So I am sooo blessed when the Holy Spirit moves in an extra special way. I'm just not shocked. And I feel bad because everyone else is so surprised and excited. I am excited, I guess I just don't show it like I used to. It's a part of me. It's kind of like getting a new hair color. At first you're really excited and want to tell everyone. Then after a couple of weeks, you accept your hair color for what it is and it becomes a part of you. It doesn't mean it doesn't feel nice when someone gives you a compliment, it's just different. And how can I say that to people without sounding completely uppity and better than. Because that's not what it is at all. BUT, what I can say is that it REALLY irritates me when people assume that because I don't talk about certain spiritual experiences I have that I have no idea what they are talking about or that somehow they are closer to God than I am. Superior if you will. It comes off very superior and I don't like that. That partially why I stopped telling everyone everything because people become envious. There is no need to be. Everyone has gifts from the Lord in different measures and capacities. I used to be jealous of certain people's gifts. Now, I just do what I need to do when He tells me. More times than not, it is something that just comes from inside me. And college group. I haven't got in like 2 months. I wanted to go because no one knew me. Then I got involved with people. Yes, there was a guy who ended up being a player blah blah blah. And then worst of all, people started to have expectations of me. I just wanted to go and get fed and if the Lord asked me to minister to someone I would. I'm sure I'll go back sometime. Probably in August. I don't know blog...so much good has happened this year. I have plans but the only plans that truly matter are the ones God has for me so I hope mine match up to His haha. And yes, I'm still praying for my future husband. And glad that I still have time to get even more awesome than I already am muahahaha.

Post for May

You're a shell of a man I used to know
Or maybe the shell was always there but you hid it really well
I always wanted to believe the best
Think of everything on the bright side
The best thing you did for me was show me Jesus
You're broken
Hell, we all are
But I have to say that if I didn't have God
I would be a complete wreck
Selling my soul for something that won't last
Piecing myself out to men just so I felt good enough
Even if just for a moment
But I don't
At 26 I truly understand that He will ALWAYS take care of me
I may not have a boyfriend or a husband to be there for the "manly" things
Fixing a car, lifting or moving something
Providing for my needs
But HE always provides
Through different avenues and different people
And I am ok with that
I'm MORE than ok with that
Because I've seen what not trusting in God looks like
What happens when you take your life into your own hands without seeking His face
And trusting that His plan and timing is best
Nothing good
And the consequences last a lot longer than the time it took to carry out that deed
It's time
My grandfather will be be measure of what a man should be
Sure, he's the kind of man you meet once in a lifetime
But that's all you need right?
ONCE
And until then
Well, and even then
I will trust in my Heavenly Father
While trying to keep that small innocent part me
Still innocent
Trying to keep that child-like heart alive
Burning with the truth of Jesus
NO ONE
Will steal that away
I don't care who tries to blow it out

Intrigue...

You are the definition of intrigue. From the outside, people may not see much. But I see you glowing. The light inside you seeps through your pores. You don't know it. You don't see it in yourself. I see it. We may never talk. After this season we may never see each other again. But I had to write about you. Dedicate a small piece of art to the inspiration you have given in just your presence. I am learning from you. By observing you. It's truly fascinating. It's a whole other world the language you speak. It's foreign and beautiful. You distract me from even the actors on the stage. Your hands they move like a swift well-oiled vehicle to interpret the language of the hearing for the language of the deaf. So although you will never read this, and this time of me knowing is short but sweet; thank you. Thank you. Thank you.