Day 3: Your First love and first kiss
I was 17 and in 12th grade. I had never kissed a boy before nor had I ever had the desire to. I never thought I was pretty enough to be liked and my dad always warned me that boys only want one thing...and boy was he right.
I met him in P.E. class and he would never participate in anything, he was too cool. He annoyed me and looked down on him for his laziness and never thought about him before or after that class-until a friend of mine confided in me that she had a crush on him and I didn't understand it. We all ended up talking and come to find out, he had a crush on me! What? Someone picked me over another girl? I didn't care how annoying he was, all I knew was that for the first time in my adolescent life, it had seemed that I had won!
As life would have it, my family started going to a new church and lo and behold there he was...playing bass and looking as rebellious as ever but always cheerful. I don't know how he managed that but he did and the more I talked to him, the more drawn I was. He was a good guy, right? Just had a rough go at it and maybe I would be the reason for his change. Oh how naive and prideful I was to think that I could do anything about him. I gave everything to him and got a few cuddles and laughs in return. I lost my first guitar and money, dignity and self-confidence because what I allowed myself to be involved in. My first love was also my first heartbreak. My biggest lesson. That's that story- which happens to go along with my first kiss.
He and I had been dating for a little while and nothing had happened. We both were going on a missions trip to Mexico and I was super excited. 1. I love traveling 2. I was going to do God's work 3. I was going with my boyfriend
The kiss. I'm not going to lie, it's a funny story. We were in a white 12 passenger van in the very back and were leaving a work site in Mexico. It was getting dark and all of a sudden, I had the urge to kiss him. I had never kissed anyone and apparently had no shame or thought as to the other multiple people sitting in the van with us but it happened. We kissed...and the world stopped moving, my senses were awakened and I wished it never had to stop. It was beautiful. Inappropriate and poorly planned? Absolutely. But before the world told me what was ok and what wasn't, I had a sense of adventure inside of me that didn't bother with the idea that one might get into trouble. There you have it, my first love along with my first kiss.
Monday, April 4, 2016
Saturday, April 2, 2016
April 2nd Day 2 of 30 Day Writing Challenge
Since I failed to write on April 1st, I'm making up for 2 days of writing, which is fine to me because I am getting in the groove. :)
My earliest memory.
Hmm... I guess the earliest memory I can think of is taking a picture and I was really cute. I remember driving to L.A. for acting stuff because apparently it was something I was quite interested in and I had a fun personality. I remember auditioning for a barbie or doll commercial and being so excited to be in my yellow outfit and them asking me questions and taking tons of pictures. I remember thinking that the cars on our side of the freeway were there because we all had red lights and the other side were cars with white lights. That must have been when I was about 5 or 6 because the other set of memories was from when I was 6 or 7 and weren't good. It was the time my mom was doing all kinds of crazy stuff like chopping my hair off to look like a boy, locking me in my room because I didn't want to eat an apple and hearing her have steamy sex in the shower with a 16 year old from our youth group...but no one wanted to know that right?
It's crazy how some of the most vivid memories one has are usually the ones that scarred you the most. I think we naturally try to put these behind us but if a question like this is asked, one might be forced to deal with them. I'm to thankful God found me and that Jesus along with His Holy Spirit healed me of my bitterness, anger, sexual confusion and so many other things. In case you were wondering, my mom didn't talk to me for 20 years and then "found me" and e-mailed me. I was very angry at first but I have a clear view of what our situation is and I pray for her often. We have a lot of things in common her and I.
My earliest memory.
Hmm... I guess the earliest memory I can think of is taking a picture and I was really cute. I remember driving to L.A. for acting stuff because apparently it was something I was quite interested in and I had a fun personality. I remember auditioning for a barbie or doll commercial and being so excited to be in my yellow outfit and them asking me questions and taking tons of pictures. I remember thinking that the cars on our side of the freeway were there because we all had red lights and the other side were cars with white lights. That must have been when I was about 5 or 6 because the other set of memories was from when I was 6 or 7 and weren't good. It was the time my mom was doing all kinds of crazy stuff like chopping my hair off to look like a boy, locking me in my room because I didn't want to eat an apple and hearing her have steamy sex in the shower with a 16 year old from our youth group...but no one wanted to know that right?
It's crazy how some of the most vivid memories one has are usually the ones that scarred you the most. I think we naturally try to put these behind us but if a question like this is asked, one might be forced to deal with them. I'm to thankful God found me and that Jesus along with His Holy Spirit healed me of my bitterness, anger, sexual confusion and so many other things. In case you were wondering, my mom didn't talk to me for 20 years and then "found me" and e-mailed me. I was very angry at first but I have a clear view of what our situation is and I pray for her often. We have a lot of things in common her and I.
April 2nd- Day 1 of 30 Day Writing Challenge
April 2nd 2016
I've been itching to write again but never know where to start. I've been journaling a lot. Mostly prayer and talks with God that I want to look back on or for others to look at if I'm not here. I found a 30 day writing challenge and decided to post them each on this blog. :)
Day 1: Five Problems with social media
I know a lot of people have strong opinions about social media but I'll tell you my problems with it based on the issues I've had personally.
Time. You see the blinking blue light on your phone and it's like the sea witches calling you to doom. You know you shouldn't check it because you will be on there much longer than you think but you can't help it because someone might have said something funny or witty to you or responded to something you thought was super deep; only to find out that yes, they commented but it totally broke your concentration of what you were doing in that moment. Next thing you know, you've been perusing through your feed (along with other people's you have never met) for an hour before you realize what time it is.
Distraction. I used to use my phone for the Bible at church and realized quickly how easily it is for me to swipe and see what someone else is doing when I should be focused on studying and learning about the Word of God. There have been MANY times I was in the middle of praying, practicing music, reading etc. when that little itch crept up on me and broke the focus I was in...therefore making me practically start over what I was doing. Even as we speak, my phone is in the other room for this EXACT reason.
Call to action? As much as people mean well by sharing posts about things they deem important, what is that really going to do? Is me sharing a post about martyrs in the Middle East going to have any effect in the natural or in the spirit realm to help them or give them strength? No. Awareness is only beneficial if it causes one to go into action. Otherwise we are just like many others in this country who feel bad for a second and then move on to whatever else catches our attention at the moment.
Laziness. Lazy. Instead of finding out if something is true for myself, many times I've been guilty of reading something that LOOKS as though it came from a reputable source but ended up being old information or straight false. We are taking in "information" so quickly that we can only filter so much properly. Instead of writing our own poems or stories, creating our own works of art, music etc. we have an entire world of these things at our fingertips that I honestly believe makes us feel like we have nothing to contribute...or maybe it's just me.
Thinking? This kind of goes along with the laziness but I mean, Come on, who needs to think for themselves or read books for themselves when we can read everyone else's comments and opinions about them? These people are smarter than me right? I'm not going to waste my time doing to work and critical thinking for myself when everyone else already has. This has and is creating a generation of people who are like mockingbirds, they only repeat what they see and hear. Even though I know it is very rare, or impossible to have an idea about something someone else already hasn't thought of; it doesn't mean that someone has heard it or that you shouldn't put the effort in to dive deeper into that idea. A idea that came into your head even if it already existed, is special because of YOU. Your frame of reference, YOUR world view etc.
Too many "friends" not enough RELATIONSHIPS.
I have currently 354 friends on Facebook. I used to have 1,000 but it was for business purposes. Ask me how many people I talk to or meet with on the daily...um...I have a good, solid 10 people I talk to and those people rarely even communicate via social media with me. So what is the purpose? To feel important? To let everyone know how brilliant this thought was I had? Basically. I have wrestled with the idea of deleting my FB account and the ONLY reason why I haven't is because of events and information about local ministries and the ability to communicate with girls who have found me and wanted to talk. Even then... I really don't like it. My level of self-control isn't great when it comes to just checking and then shutting it off. My relationships are people I text, call, visit and even e-mail. That's my circle. If I got rid of my FB all the people I actually come into contact with would still be able to communicate with me because we have ties outside of the internet.
What do YOU think 5 problems are with social media?
I've been itching to write again but never know where to start. I've been journaling a lot. Mostly prayer and talks with God that I want to look back on or for others to look at if I'm not here. I found a 30 day writing challenge and decided to post them each on this blog. :)
Day 1: Five Problems with social media
I know a lot of people have strong opinions about social media but I'll tell you my problems with it based on the issues I've had personally.
Time. You see the blinking blue light on your phone and it's like the sea witches calling you to doom. You know you shouldn't check it because you will be on there much longer than you think but you can't help it because someone might have said something funny or witty to you or responded to something you thought was super deep; only to find out that yes, they commented but it totally broke your concentration of what you were doing in that moment. Next thing you know, you've been perusing through your feed (along with other people's you have never met) for an hour before you realize what time it is.
Distraction. I used to use my phone for the Bible at church and realized quickly how easily it is for me to swipe and see what someone else is doing when I should be focused on studying and learning about the Word of God. There have been MANY times I was in the middle of praying, practicing music, reading etc. when that little itch crept up on me and broke the focus I was in...therefore making me practically start over what I was doing. Even as we speak, my phone is in the other room for this EXACT reason.
Call to action? As much as people mean well by sharing posts about things they deem important, what is that really going to do? Is me sharing a post about martyrs in the Middle East going to have any effect in the natural or in the spirit realm to help them or give them strength? No. Awareness is only beneficial if it causes one to go into action. Otherwise we are just like many others in this country who feel bad for a second and then move on to whatever else catches our attention at the moment.
Laziness. Lazy. Instead of finding out if something is true for myself, many times I've been guilty of reading something that LOOKS as though it came from a reputable source but ended up being old information or straight false. We are taking in "information" so quickly that we can only filter so much properly. Instead of writing our own poems or stories, creating our own works of art, music etc. we have an entire world of these things at our fingertips that I honestly believe makes us feel like we have nothing to contribute...or maybe it's just me.
Thinking? This kind of goes along with the laziness but I mean, Come on, who needs to think for themselves or read books for themselves when we can read everyone else's comments and opinions about them? These people are smarter than me right? I'm not going to waste my time doing to work and critical thinking for myself when everyone else already has. This has and is creating a generation of people who are like mockingbirds, they only repeat what they see and hear. Even though I know it is very rare, or impossible to have an idea about something someone else already hasn't thought of; it doesn't mean that someone has heard it or that you shouldn't put the effort in to dive deeper into that idea. A idea that came into your head even if it already existed, is special because of YOU. Your frame of reference, YOUR world view etc.
Too many "friends" not enough RELATIONSHIPS.
I have currently 354 friends on Facebook. I used to have 1,000 but it was for business purposes. Ask me how many people I talk to or meet with on the daily...um...I have a good, solid 10 people I talk to and those people rarely even communicate via social media with me. So what is the purpose? To feel important? To let everyone know how brilliant this thought was I had? Basically. I have wrestled with the idea of deleting my FB account and the ONLY reason why I haven't is because of events and information about local ministries and the ability to communicate with girls who have found me and wanted to talk. Even then... I really don't like it. My level of self-control isn't great when it comes to just checking and then shutting it off. My relationships are people I text, call, visit and even e-mail. That's my circle. If I got rid of my FB all the people I actually come into contact with would still be able to communicate with me because we have ties outside of the internet.
What do YOU think 5 problems are with social media?
Wednesday, December 2, 2015
So tired but so much to pray about...
I'm currently sitting on my bed typing this right now and although I want to go to sleep, my soul knows there is so much to pray for and intercede for and I know that until I am obedient in prayer and spending time with the Father, my sleep will be restless. I could pray all night if the Lord wills it and He will give me sufficient rest and energy for the next day. I love Him so much. I guess that was all I had to write about. Life is definitely in an interesting place but I am soaking in every minute of it and still in constant awe of His goodness.
Sweet Sleep to whomoever reads this.
Sweet Sleep to whomoever reads this.
Tuesday, November 17, 2015
Today was different.
For whatever reason, today was different than any other day of my life. You may say, "Well, of course it's different! No matter how many things you do that are the same everyday, there are still variations of things that happen." To that I would say that you are correct.
But still, today was different. I felt like for the first time in my life I was able to get glimpse of what God sees when He looks at me. The past 2 weeks have been a great struggle for me in me facing my insecurities and today the Lord was very honest and loving with me about what I've been trying to measure up to as opposed to what He finds important and what is important eternally. How quickly this world will pass us by and how quickly this physical beauty will fade. No matter how much I try to change how I look or do things to make them better at the end of the day I'm still me. I'm Amber. You can only sleep next to a person for so long with only looking at them until you realize how empty they are. This may seem trivial to many people but for a woman who has never felt like she fit in anywhere except with God, it means more than this world could ever give.
I know who I am and I know who's I am. I don't have to change anything about myself because the Holy Spirit is already guiding me into being the Amber God had always created me to be. Yes, I will ask for help in taking care of this physical package He has put my soul in because it is the temple where His Spirit dwells as well but I will no longer worry whether or not I'm physically attractive enough to any person on this planet. The person God will bring me will think I'm beautiful inside and out and more importantly, the one who created me already thinks I'm do die for.
But still, today was different. I felt like for the first time in my life I was able to get glimpse of what God sees when He looks at me. The past 2 weeks have been a great struggle for me in me facing my insecurities and today the Lord was very honest and loving with me about what I've been trying to measure up to as opposed to what He finds important and what is important eternally. How quickly this world will pass us by and how quickly this physical beauty will fade. No matter how much I try to change how I look or do things to make them better at the end of the day I'm still me. I'm Amber. You can only sleep next to a person for so long with only looking at them until you realize how empty they are. This may seem trivial to many people but for a woman who has never felt like she fit in anywhere except with God, it means more than this world could ever give.
I know who I am and I know who's I am. I don't have to change anything about myself because the Holy Spirit is already guiding me into being the Amber God had always created me to be. Yes, I will ask for help in taking care of this physical package He has put my soul in because it is the temple where His Spirit dwells as well but I will no longer worry whether or not I'm physically attractive enough to any person on this planet. The person God will bring me will think I'm beautiful inside and out and more importantly, the one who created me already thinks I'm do die for.
Friday, November 6, 2015
Nov 6 2015
Let the handmaiden of the Lord seek to do with the will of her Master. Not the will of man, society, peers, family and most of all herself; but to diligently seek the heart of the one who rescued her out of bondage to an earthly, subordinate master of this temporal earth.
Monday, October 5, 2015
October 5, 2015
I don't quite have a title for this post mostly because I haven't yet decided what I'm going to put in it. There is so much...
Over the last 2 months I've been introduced (as you can see from my previous post) to a group of people who are not just having a "Bible study" but actually own and USE dictionaries, concordances, commentaries etc. Why is this important? Well, because we come from an Americanized mindset and don't have all the facts or knowledge to always properly breakdown scripture. We are not scholars in Latin or Hebrew nor do we have the word bank that the writers of the Bible had nor the proper context. It really is beautiful and I've grown so much in such a short time. Thank you Lord.
In the middle of all this change in my life, I've had the privilege of meeting up with a friend to start praying. When we started it was mostly listening to sermons and worship music and just basking in the presence of the Lord and feeling His broken heart for the people and also feeling His love. It one day turned into a, "Hey, we should start praying during the week." So we did. We had no idea what we were doing except that we wanted to seek His face and only do what He wanted us to do and pray the way He would want us to pray. So again, we spend time in the word and we would walk around Palmdale and pray in the Spirit or talk or both and then get the Word out. We began understanding that the purpose of our praying was to begin breaking down and soaking the atmosphere with the Word of God and calling out the demonic strongholds that are over this Antelope Valley. We soon realized that we needed a battle plan but didn't know what that would look like and to be quite honest, are still in process. My prayer partner had the idea of learning how to pray straight from the Bible. Now I know this would seem like a DUH moment, but when you've heard so many people pray or THINK you know, going back to the root and the Son of God Himself is the ONLY place to start a foundation.
I feel like that's what is happening. A foundation of something that will last far beyond me or my prayer partner. That our names would be forgotten and only the name of Jesus would remain after we are gone. This place that has been called barren, the armpit of California, the black hole, a wasteland and one of our cities, Lancaster as the #1 most stressful city in California with Palmdale being #5 will be called a place where the Spirit of God dwells. A place people go to find peace and rest in the one true God. It will become an Oasis for anyone who is spiritually dry to come drink from the fountain of Living Water.
That is what we are asking God for. We are asking God for THIS land. For THESE people. Right NOW. It has already begun.
I've been a part of UYA or United Young Adults for the past 2 months and started going to the prayer before service and have already seen a drastic change in the format and focus of the sermons and services. Last night there were two speakers I know are seekers of God and the sermon was truth spoken in love and they prayed for the infilling of the Holy Spirit to empower those who already had a relationship with Christ.
That is the first time in I don't know how many years I've seen it. It wasn't this crazy rolling around emotional moment but a sweet, sincere answer to the call of becoming ambassadors of Christ. I just prayed and sat in awe of what was happening right before my eyes. The little prayers of us as individuals, the consistency and steadfastness to not let go of this vision until it comes to fruition was barely even touching the surface in this church service. I sat with my friend and said, "This is it, this is how it starts."
Now we need to keep praying, keep seeking, keep yearning and learning or else this will be just another flicker of a flame and then die out like all the rest. We will not give in and we will not give up. This is only the beginning. I already understand that it won't be easy and that there will be many obstacles, the years of death that has been spoken over this place and the people in it and our own flesh getting in the way of what God is wanting to do.
Over the last 2 months I've been introduced (as you can see from my previous post) to a group of people who are not just having a "Bible study" but actually own and USE dictionaries, concordances, commentaries etc. Why is this important? Well, because we come from an Americanized mindset and don't have all the facts or knowledge to always properly breakdown scripture. We are not scholars in Latin or Hebrew nor do we have the word bank that the writers of the Bible had nor the proper context. It really is beautiful and I've grown so much in such a short time. Thank you Lord.
In the middle of all this change in my life, I've had the privilege of meeting up with a friend to start praying. When we started it was mostly listening to sermons and worship music and just basking in the presence of the Lord and feeling His broken heart for the people and also feeling His love. It one day turned into a, "Hey, we should start praying during the week." So we did. We had no idea what we were doing except that we wanted to seek His face and only do what He wanted us to do and pray the way He would want us to pray. So again, we spend time in the word and we would walk around Palmdale and pray in the Spirit or talk or both and then get the Word out. We began understanding that the purpose of our praying was to begin breaking down and soaking the atmosphere with the Word of God and calling out the demonic strongholds that are over this Antelope Valley. We soon realized that we needed a battle plan but didn't know what that would look like and to be quite honest, are still in process. My prayer partner had the idea of learning how to pray straight from the Bible. Now I know this would seem like a DUH moment, but when you've heard so many people pray or THINK you know, going back to the root and the Son of God Himself is the ONLY place to start a foundation.
I feel like that's what is happening. A foundation of something that will last far beyond me or my prayer partner. That our names would be forgotten and only the name of Jesus would remain after we are gone. This place that has been called barren, the armpit of California, the black hole, a wasteland and one of our cities, Lancaster as the #1 most stressful city in California with Palmdale being #5 will be called a place where the Spirit of God dwells. A place people go to find peace and rest in the one true God. It will become an Oasis for anyone who is spiritually dry to come drink from the fountain of Living Water.
That is what we are asking God for. We are asking God for THIS land. For THESE people. Right NOW. It has already begun.
I've been a part of UYA or United Young Adults for the past 2 months and started going to the prayer before service and have already seen a drastic change in the format and focus of the sermons and services. Last night there were two speakers I know are seekers of God and the sermon was truth spoken in love and they prayed for the infilling of the Holy Spirit to empower those who already had a relationship with Christ.
That is the first time in I don't know how many years I've seen it. It wasn't this crazy rolling around emotional moment but a sweet, sincere answer to the call of becoming ambassadors of Christ. I just prayed and sat in awe of what was happening right before my eyes. The little prayers of us as individuals, the consistency and steadfastness to not let go of this vision until it comes to fruition was barely even touching the surface in this church service. I sat with my friend and said, "This is it, this is how it starts."
Now we need to keep praying, keep seeking, keep yearning and learning or else this will be just another flicker of a flame and then die out like all the rest. We will not give in and we will not give up. This is only the beginning. I already understand that it won't be easy and that there will be many obstacles, the years of death that has been spoken over this place and the people in it and our own flesh getting in the way of what God is wanting to do.
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