Feelings...

I know feelings are here for a reason but REALLY?
They have to come up at the most "not friendly" times
They make me feel irrational and crazy.
Then when you have one feeling, then another one likes to come along with it.
All I can think of is My Best Friend's Wedding baha
Well, that's all I can muster up right now.
I started crying and was like, "REALLY?! I haven't cried over something like this in a LONGGG time."

It too shall pass.

Dear John

How did Taylor Swift know? I don't know what hit me today but playing this song brought some stuff up. It rings very true. I love blogging. Again, there are layers of healing, and I just peeled back another layer.

Dear John

D                                                      G  
Long were the nights when my days once revolved around you
D                                                G
Counting my footsteps praying the floor won't fall through again
        A                    D      A
And my mother accused me of losing my mind
G
But I swore I was fine

D                                                G
You paint me a blue sky and go back and turn it to rain
        D
And I lived in your chess game
                            G
But you changed the rules everyday
A                           D           A          G                       
Wondering which version of you I might get on the phone
Tonight
        A                            D          A            G
Well I stopped picking up and this song is to let you know why

      D                                 G
Dear John, I see it all now that you're gone
                           Bm           
Don't you think I was too young to be messed with
A                                G        (STOP)  
The girl in the dress cried the whole way home
            D
I should've known
G

      D                                     G      
Well maybe it's me and my blind optimism to blame
              D                                                 G 
Or maybe it's you and your sick need to give love then take it away
       A                        D            A              G  
And you'll add my name to your long list of traitors who don't understand
              A                       D                A        
And I'll look back and regret how I ignored when they said
        G
Run as fast as you can

      D                                 G
Dear John, I see it all now that you're gone
                          Bm            
Don't you think I was too young to be messed with 
      A                          G
The girl in the dress cried the whole way home
      D                             G
Dear John, I see it all now it was wrong
                          Bm                    
Don't you think 19's too young to be played by
      A                         G
Your dark twisted games when I loved you so
             D
I should've known

D  G

           Bm             
You are an expert at sorry
     A                
And keeping lines blurry
G
Never impressed by me acing your tests
        Bm           
All the girls that you've run dry
      A                  
Have tired, lifeless eyes
           G       
Cause you burned them out
       A                    D         A 
But I took your matches before fire could catch me
    G
So don't look now
     A                   
I'm shining like fireworks
G                    D
Over your sad empty town
  G      Bm    A G

       D                                   G
Dear John, I see it all now that you're gone
                          Bm                    
Don't you think I was too young to be messed with
    A                             G 
The girl in the dress cried the whole way home  D
                              G
I see it all now that you're gone
                           Bm                      
Don't you think I was too young to be messed with
    A                        G
The girl in the dress wrote you a song
               D
You should've known
               G
You should've known.................(D)
                           G
Don't you think I was too young
               D
You should've known

Extern...

Since I've been externing for a week now there have MULTIPLE things I would like to share with others. Observations, pet peeves, randomness etc. I'll start with something that happened today and reverse it.

So I'm at extern and a lady brings a bird inside a box into the office, she didn't clip the wings and when she opened the box, of course the bird flew out. And where? Like all good windex commercials will tell you, into the clear window racing to freedom. Well, needless to say, the little bird flew into the window and died, leaving a remnant of death behind. The girl who let the bird out?...the pajaro killer.

Also, I'm going to be quite honest. I'm done with that "girl" who really ISN'T just a friend but somehow finds herself trying to help men find what they need in God to be healed. This hasn't happened recently but there is a gentleman who gets therapy, don't get me wrong, he's good looking, El Salvadorian, nice latin accent, early 30's...with a recent divorce and 2 kids. Don't get me wrong, I was raised by a dad and I think with him and my heavenly dad it worked out pretty well, but it wasn't that, he was broken and you could see it all over him. I really just wanted to let him talk about anything he needed to and get it to someone who isn't directly involved. Because really, we ALL need that! He said I looked familiar and asked if he went to church cuz well...that's where most people know me from and he said no, and directly started talking about why he hasn't and that he should etc. etc. Guys, a girl can and will see right through the facade if we want to. Sometimes we try to see ONLY the potential. I am numero uno guilty there. Ignoring what's actually happening and foreseeing something that hasn't and never did come to fruition. But I digress. He apologized for "talking too much" and I said for him not to apologize. I know he wants to take me out and get to know eachother but the best thing I can do is be an ear. I wish I could do that without any feelings or other motives being involved on the other side. Because believe me, I have. Anywho, he did say I was beautiful which is always nice to the ears when you're tired of wearing the SAME THING every day. :) Anywho, I'll be leaving in less than 2 weeks and I pray for him. Things are looking up but He needs the creator of LOVE. He's heartbroken. And a woman is only going to help that for a moment.

I had to post this beautiful thing God did for me today.

I've been needing some money to get a couple things done with my car and well...I'm in school not working. I got 10 bucks for playing drums yesterday and I knew I needed to sow some money. I usually would have bought some coffee etc. with it but I haven't gotten money recently and I wanted to give. So I was obedient and gave. Little did I know that I would go to my family's house, open my mouth about needing something and end up with 12x that amount!!! To God be the glory! I am so in awe of His faithfulness. Even when I am doing stupid stuff He is there like...ok Amber...sigh... I don't deserve it. I made some dumb decisions but that's the mercy. Needless to say, I really felt like this was another chance to get it right! Thank you Lord for not giving up on me. I am blessed to have Abba.

Long Time Coming

I believed every word

No matter what they said

I believed every word

Thought the best was to be had

When everyone around me

Tried to warn me

I refused to see it

I was too in love

Too blind

And unfortunately

You didn't love me

Your words lasted longer than I wish they had

The power I gave you 

Was bad bad bad

And my lack of confidence didn't help

Thinking you were the best 

I couldn't possibly risk losing you…

right?

You let me go

Without letting me know

Until one day you show up

The evidence on your neck…

what was I thinking

My heart sinking

I tried to stay mad but really…

I gave you the power.

And I finally took it away.

I am me. 

And I pray for your best

I have moved on.

You aren't the one.

Amen.

Maven

Maven is my stage name. It's kind of funny how it came about. I was listening to a Kanye West song. He uses the word maven. The Lord said, that's your name. And it means talented in many areas. And I know it's not because Amber is talented in many areas, it's strictly because of the Lord. Because I always ask Him to use me however He needs.

How Sad

You haven't changed. Granted it takes two to tango but I'm amazed at how I viewed you. I ignored all the signs that were right in front of me. You didn't know what to do with me and you weren't willing to give up your own will and desires for your true purpose. This whole time, I felt something different with you, I knew there was something different. And there was...is. But you are refusing to let God be the master of your life. Therefore, we couldn't be together. I'm not perfect. I was wide-eyed and bushy tailed just for the simple fact that I could speak on spiritual matters and you understood and how you opened my eyes to such deeper truth. It didn't help you were good looking either haha. But instead of just being your friend like I should have I thought to myself, "There could never be someone else like him". That in and of itself is a lie from the pit of hell. The Lord will never have me settle. I make that decision. You had and have the makings of a true David. I pray for your healing and look forward to the day when you decide to walk into your destiny. But I on the other hand, I am actively pursuing God's calling and purpose no matter what I have to give up. Not perfectly of course because I'm hard headed and have still parts of me that are always going to be going from glory to glory. But I am a daughter of the most high God which means I am a princess in the kingdom and have all the rights of an adopted daughter to the glory and power which all belongs to Him. That is my identity. In my God. And the love He has for me. Today I saw something and the Lord just revealed to me the brokenness...and I wasn't angry anymore. I was sad. So sad I almost started crying. The Lord be with you.

-Maven