Great Skin?

Picture this, a 10 year old girl dealing with pockmarks, pores the size of a crater and NO one to help guide her through the early awkward stages getting bullied on the bus on the way to school. That girl was me. Frizzy curly hair no one knew what to do with people my hair was different than everyone else in my family, and skin that was unruly. I was raised by my dad. God bless him, he did the best he could but hair and skin care wasn't his forte. 

Fast forward or more like... slow forward through my teens, twenties and early thirties not only dealing with my constant weight issues but also NEVER wearing anything that would show my back, arms, legs or my bare face. This last year, at 33 I decided to do a lot of research, spend a good deal of money, and trial and error a lot of things to get my skin to be a beautiful canvas for the makeup I love wearing.  

That's how it started. No foundation I tried would work, my face never looked the way I thought it should and I was constantly self conscious.  I am happy to say that although I haven't figured it all out because well... we ARE in the frigid of Winter and Summer will bring a whole new set of challenges, I'm happy with where I'm at. And you know how I got there? 

Besides loving how my own skin looked, a friend's mom I had just met out of nowhere said, "You have beautiful skin." I was in shock and didn't know how to take the compliment because it isn't one I've ever received before. I told here I was wearing makeup. I wear a pretty shear amount but I felt bad taking skin credit where makeup helped. She said, "Yes, but I know you have beautiful skin." I wanted to start crying, okay I cried on the inside. My whole life I've been so insecure about so many things. My weight, my skin, my hair, etc. etc. And here I was at 33 finally figuring out how to listen to my body and skin to make her the happiest. 

I wanted to write about this moment because it was important to me. It may not mean a lot to anyone else but it does to me and maybe someone who has dealt with skin issues or any other issue their whole life might read this and know there is hope. And by the way, there are great ways to do this WITHOUT spending tons of money. Picking and choosing what is worth it is where I'm at now. :) Wherever you are, you're loved. <3

Sudden Interest In Fashion

 The past week I have been binge watching fashion content and critics. I never in my life have been this interested. My aunts have always been fashionable and I've always been the complete utilitarian with a weird sense of "style". I've been pondering the idea of being into style because the scripture that keeps coming up in my head is, " Don't worry about what you will wear, what you will eat, drink etc." So does that mean that people who are chefs or wine makers can't be following God's will? I just keep thinking how I am finally understanding how fashion is wearable art and meant to express one's creativity or just how they feel. I was watching this fashion critic and he commented about a woman who was Christian and how he went to Catholic church every Sunday and never met anyone chic there. That really hit home. Why is it that there aren't more Christians in the fashion realm? The art realm? Is it because they are seen as vain pursuits? I believe so, but think about it. Anything can be turned into a vain pursuit. Working for a restaurant, factory, school etc. I think we as people put values on different jobs and careers when in reality, even the most "honorable" of professions can be vain if your heart isn't in the right place. All that to say, I love fashion. The wearable art, the extravagant costumy designs etc. are beautiful and sometimes mind bending and it's great and I refuse to apologize for enjoying it. That is all.

January 1st 2021

 Well, we made it. New Year's Day 2021. 

I got to spend time with my husband's family laughing, dancing, eating and enjoying each other's company. With so much going on I really am taking one day at a time and making the most out of it. Whatever that looks like that day. God works in mysterious ways and I am not going to ignore it. I am creative and there's no getting around it. Am I working in a very not creative job right now? Absolutely. But I am learning a lot and I know it's for a reason. Like anything else I know that everything is for a season. You know what I also realized? That there aren't a lot of Christians in many circles and that Christians usually just surround themselves with each other. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. In fact the Bible instructs us to not forsake the gathering of the brethren. I also read about Jesus having dinner with people the high members of the Jewish faith found to be quite inappropriate. I've found the second half of this year that being a light in places where aren't any, although challenging, are also some of the most fruitful. Having conversations, listening to and praying for those in my circle who don't know the Lord yet but somehow, knowing I am Christian still want to have relationship with me is an honor and a privilege. That is what I'm learning this year. Whether it's at work, within family, an arts community etc. I am a beacon of hope and light through Jesus Christ. He died for all. I can't turn my back.

2020 in one post.

 Well, somehow I managed to log back into an account that I haven't logged into for almost 4 years and wow, more than a lot has happened. I'm married to the love of my life. We adopted a dog, I'm working at a lawn equipment repair shop AND we're in a stretch of something called COVID 19. Lockdowns started pretty much the weekend of my birthday this year and we've been wearing masks in public ever since. People have lost lives, lost businesses, lost a norm that many aren't quite sure will ever come back. Thank God, Sammy and I have both kept jobs and even worked extra. Travel plans have definitely changed and I haven't gotten to see my family in California but I know it's for the best. We're still in the middle of it but there is a vaccine now and God has kept us. Oh, and I haven't even mentioned the CRAZIEST Presidential election I've ever seen. So much divisiveness even within my own family. People are still contesting who won. It was too much and I've been off of social media beside YouTube for a couple of months now. I know I'll eventually go back but I needed a break. I know this post doesn't have proper thoughts all fleshed out but well... welcome to 2020. 

What do I expect for 2021? I don't really know but I do know that I'm excited for whatever comes because my life is in God's hands and who else better? Oh and I'll be 34 next year. 

Things I've learned:

1. My  new favorite nail polish brand.

2. That as much as I like the idea of blonde hair, this dark hair is constantly at war with it. We'll see what 2021 brings.

3. That having a dog is a beautiful responsibility.

4. More Spanish.

5. That sometimes listening to the Bible is easier to process than reading it.

6. That although few and far between, I will find people who believe in me; sometimes more than I believe in myself.

7. That having a business is something I may one day have on a steady basis but after making this banner today, I think I need to just create art with no agenda. 

8. Just because I'm not leading worship in the traditional sense that I've done all my life doesn't mean my life isn't worship and that God and the angels don't listen when I worship alone. 

9. That being married is an ongoing journey that gets sweeter with time.

10. Life is short. Always leave people better than you found them. 

On the eve of my 30th Birthday and against my better judgment...

Well, today is my last day of being in my 20’s…

What have I learned? A lot.

I’ve learned that people will come and go and how not too be too harsh on any one person because everyone is doing the best they know how. I’ve learned that as much as I thought I was lost and didn’t know what I was supposed to be doing, it’s been in me before I was born because that’s the way God does things. I’ve learned that I am different. That the way I choose to live my life isn’t the way most others I know have chosen and I am content with that. I’ve learned that a good credit score is important and to keep in contact with old landlords so you can get the apartment you actually want. I’ve learned that talking less and listening more is truly my favorite thing. I really do love listening to people talk about what they are passionate about and/or what is hurting them. I’ve learned that the devil will use the people closest to you to create the most amount of chaos. I’ve learned that saying, “I’m sorry” even though I may not have been in the wrong and truly meaning it is better than carrying on some weird unspoken energy that creates more problems and misunderstandings than it’s worth. I’ve learned how to shut my mouth when I feel like I have every right to vindicate myself and prove that I am but by the awesome power of the Holy Spirit…don’t. I’ve learned what I want out of life and that no one is going to make that happen for me and that nothing happens overnight. I’ve learned that I want my life to be marked by kindness and truth. That’s the legacy I want to leave. I’ve learned that every day I get to see children and make a positive influence in their life when their mom is going to jail for doing drugs and won’t see them for a year. I’ve learned that I’m not here to get better at anything for Amber but to fulfill the plan God has set before me. I’ve learned that this walk is straight and narrow and many people don’t want to walk it. Everyone wants to talk about it but when push comes to shove and the real work has to start, no one wants to be there. I’ve learned that I’m not a good friend. I don’t keep in touch, I have every means to and could make the time but I don’t. And I have yet to really find out the truth of why. I’ve learned that my life makes noise. But I want my life to make good noise. The noise that disrupts darkness and pauses the energies of those who would knowingly or unknowingly try to bring something else. I’ve learned A LOT about love and loss. I’ve loved much and I’ve lost much but I wouldn’t change anything. The kind of lover I am now because of what I’ve learned and the traps I’ve let myself get caught in have created a new awareness of me. I am sensitive. I am empathetic. I feel everything. My greatest desire is to leave any situation better than when I came into it. Especially with people. 

Relationships…

I’ve learned that I cannot fix anyone. Only the Holy Spirit can do that. And I’ve learned that it’s exhausting trying to fix someone and that I don’t have the energy to put out any more to do so. I’ve learned that not everyone needs to know every facet of every part of my life to be honest and true. Ive learned that laughing is my favorite and that it can instantly change the mood of a room or a person. I’ve learned that yes, I am a coffee snob but because regular type folk are mere mortals and can’t always have my perfectly temped caramel macchiato waiting for me, I’ve learned to deal. (Joking but…not?)

I’ve learned that peace is something nothing can buy and truly no one can bring except Jesus Christ. That Jesus has to be the center of it all or else the all quickly collapses into a very dark oblivion. I’ve learned that I love Asian food best and that I’m not going to give up my culture just because I live in a place or with people who don’t understand why I do the things I do. I’ve learned that I’m not the neatest person on earth or probably even on the block but that my organized chaos is good enough for me and I take care of things when I need to. I’ve learned to stop ignoring my gifts that God has given me because if I’m here to bring truth and kindness to people and they feel that when I play or sing, why would I NOT do that. I’ve learned that I can overlook  A LOT of faults for a person who is genuinely authentic, kind, loving, raw and seeking God’s face. I’ve learned that Zumba is not a thing God wants me to spend my excess time in, meaning to make money. (This is something I've gone back and forth with for a few years.) I’ve learned that curly hair is my favorite and that as much as I love red hair, it isn’t something in the cards and I’m learning to be OK with that. I’ve learned that I love children. Young people in general. I’ve learned that they like me too for the most part, although there are always exceptions. I’ve learned that I really enjoy tutoring. I don’t know if I like it better than teaching a full classroom but I do enjoy the instant gratification of when the light bulb turns on for a kid who has really had a hard time learning something. I’ve learned that I like being on time. I’ve learned that respecting others’ time is very important because it is finite and you can never get it back.

I’m still learning how to take things slowly. To be patient. To not avoid people. To be totally honest when I know it will bring conflict. I’m still learning sooo much. THAT list could go on forever.

Almost so long, 20’s. Hello, thrilling 30’s.

I'm actually excited...

On this fine evening, the 30th of December 2016, the Eve Eve of the New Year I thought I'd share my outing today. I found recipes for the Mediterranean diet including some of my FAVORITE greek foods including: garlic spread, pita bread, chicken kabobs, brown rice, hummus... I am beyond excited because I will get to once again eat the way my body enjoys and be mentally healthy again. Ok, I wasn't super mentally unstable but I was definitely getting there. Working as a lunch lady does NOTHING for one's health goals. (Believe me, I was in it for 6 months) Anywho, I also acquired some containers for my wares and I can't wait to start cooking again and try new things. I'm going to purchase some cd's tomorrow to burn for my Zumba music and maybe a small cd player so I can start rehearsing my dances for classes I want to start teaching. Well, that is the excited for the evening. P.S. the latest Star Trek movie was AMAZINGGGG!!! I think it was, "Beyond", and that my friends, it truly was.

Goodnight interweb.

2017 New Year's Resolutions...

Yes, so I am the typical cynically minded person who doesn't partake in New Year's Resolutions but my boyfriend took the "hype" out of it and well, here I am about to publicly post them so that in a year from now, I can have evidence of what I wrote down and I suppose the interweb public to keep me accountable (for whatever that is worth).

1. Finish writing a song, completely.
2. Create a reading list for the year and complete it.
3. Workout and eat healthy like I love my body.
4. Blog every day.
5. Finish the Bible in a year.
6. Dedicate myself to piano/vox
7. Run a fun 5k


These are all I have for now, I suppose I can edit this later :)